How to Tell if Your Grandma’s Boyfriend Just Got Out of Prison

Alright, folks, gather ’round because we’ve got a doozy of a topic to discuss today: how to tell if your sweet, innocent grandma’s new beau is fresh out of the slammer. That’s right, we’re diving headfirst into the world of geriatric romance and ex-con detection. Buckle up, buttercups, because this ride is about to get wilder than Grandma’s bingo night!

The Suspiciously Muscular Physique

First things first, let’s talk about the most obvious sign that Grandma’s new squeeze might have just been released from the big house: his suspiciously muscular physique. Now, don’t get us wrong, there’s nothing inherently wrong with being in shape, but if Gramps is sporting biceps that look like they could crush a watermelon, you might want to raise an eyebrow.

• Prison Yard Workouts: Behind bars, there’s not much to do besides lift weights and plot revenge. If Grandma’s beau looks like he could bench press a Buick, he might have spent some time pumping iron in the prison yard.
• Tattoos of Teardrops and Barbed Wire: Nothing screams “I’ve done time” like a face full of prison tattoos. If Gramps has teardrops inked under his eyes or barbed wire wrapped around his biceps, he’s probably seen the inside of a cell.

The Mysterious Past

Another red flag that Grandma’s boyfriend might have a rap sheet longer than a CVS receipt is his mysterious past. If he’s vague about his previous employment, his family history, or his favorite color, it might be time to start digging deeper.

Suspicious Gaps in His Resume

If Gramps claims to have been a “consultant” for the past decade, but can’t provide any details about his clients or projects, he might be hiding something. And by “something,” we mean a stint in the slammer.

• “I was traveling abroad”: This is code for “I was serving time in a foreign prison.”
• “I was working on a top-secret government project”: Unless Gramps is James Bond, this probably means he was making license plates in the prison workshop.
• “I was finding myself”: Finding himself in a cell, more like it.

Evasive Answers to Simple Questions

If you ask Gramps where he grew up and he starts sweating bullets and stammering about “here and there,” he might be trying to hide his criminal past. Other suspicious answers include:

• “I don’t like to talk about my family”: Translation – “My family disowned me after my third felony conviction.”
• “I prefer to live in the present”: Code for “I don’t want you to know about my past convictions.”
• “I’m a man of mystery”: More like a man with a mystery conviction.

The Prison Lingo

If Gramps starts dropping prison slang like he’s Snoop Dogg, it’s a pretty clear sign that he’s spent some time behind bars. Here are a few key phrases to listen for:

• “I was in the hole”: This doesn’t mean he was playing golf, folks. “The hole” is slang for solitary confinement.
• “I had a cellmate named Big Tom”: If Gramps had a cellmate, he definitely wasn’t staying at the Ritz.
• “I learned a lot in the joint”: The only thing you learn in “the joint” is how to make a shiv out of a toothbrush.

The Unusual Skill Set

If Grandma’s boyfriend has a set of skills that seem a little, shall we say, “unconventional,” it might be a sign that he picked them up while doing time. Here are a few talents that should raise a red flag:

Lockpicking

If Gramps can pick a lock faster than you can say “felony,” he probably learned that trick in the clink. Unless he’s a professional locksmith (which, let’s face it, is unlikely), there’s no legitimate reason for him to have this skill.

Prison Tattoo Artistry

If Gramps is a little too skilled with a needle and ink, he might have honed his craft while serving time. Prison tattoos are often crude, homemade affairs, so if his artwork looks like it was done with a sharpened paperclip and some pen ink, it probably was.

Shiv Making

If Grandma’s beau can fashion a deadly weapon out of a toothbrush and some dental floss, he definitely learned that in prison. And if he’s showing off this skill at family gatherings, it’s time to call the cops (and possibly an exorcist).

The Prison Diet

If Gramps has a strange affinity for ramen noodles, Spam, and other commissary staples, it could be a sign that he’s recently been released from prison. Here are a few other dietary red flags:

• He hoards honey buns like they’re gold bars
• He puts ketchup on everything (and we mean everything)
• He can make a gourmet meal out of a bag of Cheetos and some mayonnaise

The Awkward Social Skills

Let’s face it, prison isn’t exactly a breeding ground for good manners and social graces. If Grandma’s boyfriend has the interpersonal skills of a feral raccoon, he might have spent some time in the clink.

Excessive Flinching

If Gramps flinches every time someone raises their hand or makes a sudden movement, it could be a sign that he’s used to living in a hostile environment (like prison). Other signs of prison-induced jumpiness include:

• Sleeping with one eye open
• Constantly checking over his shoulder
• Diving under the table at the sound of a loud noise

Inappropriate Jokes

If Grandma’s boyfriend thinks it’s hilarious to make jokes about prison rape or shanking snitches, he might have a little too much firsthand experience with the subject matter. Other inappropriate prison jokes include:

• “What do you call a prisoner with a law degree? A inmate!” (Cue awkward silence)
• “I once knew a guy who could smuggle a cell phone in his… well, let’s just say he had a special talent.” (Cue gagging)
• “What’s the difference between prison food and airline food? About 10 years!” (Cue crickets)

The Parole Officer on Speed Dial

If Gramps has a parole officer on speed dial, it’s a pretty clear sign that he’s recently been released from prison. Other parole-related red flags include:

• Mandatory drug tests
• Ankle monitor (which he insists is a new fitness tracker)
• Court-ordered anger management classes (which he claims are “just for fun”)

The Tearful Reunion with Old “Friends”

If Grandma’s boyfriend gets misty-eyed every time he sees an old “friend” from his past, it might be because they served time together. Other signs of a prison reunion include:

• Elaborate handshakes that look like a secret code
• Tearful hugs that last just a little too long
• Reminiscing about “the good old days” (which apparently involved a lot of lockdowns and prison riots)

The Sudden Interest in Religion

If Gramps suddenly becomes a devout follower of a obscure religion, it might be because he found Jesus (or Allah, or Buddha) while serving time. Prison conversions are a common occurrence, and while there’s nothing inherently wrong with finding faith, it’s a little suspicious if it happens right after a stint in the slammer.

• He insists on saying grace before every meal (including breakfast)
• He starts quoting obscure Bible verses (that may or may not be actual Bible verses)
• He tries to convert everyone he meets (including the mailman and the guy at the gas station)

The Intense Staring Contests

If Grandma’s boyfriend engages in intense staring contests with everyone he meets, it might be a sign that he’s used to asserting his dominance in prison. In the clink, a hard stare can be the difference between being respected and being someone’s prison wife.

• He stares at the waiter until he gets a free dessert
• He stares at the dog until it submits to his alpha status
• He stares at the TV until it changes channels (okay, that one might just be a coincidence)

The Aversion to Snitching

If Gramps has a strict “no snitching” policy, it might be because he learned the hard way that snitches get stitches (or worse) in prison. Other signs of a snitch aversion include:

• He refuses to report a crime, even if he’s the victim
• He gets nervous whenever he sees a police officer
• He has a tattoo that says “snitches get stitches” (okay, that one’s a dead giveaway)

The Constant Paranoia

If Grandma’s boyfriend is constantly looking over his shoulder and jumping at shadows, it might be because he’s used to living in a state of constant paranoia (like in prison). Other signs of prison-induced paranoia include:

• He insists on sitting with his back to the wall at restaurants
• He checks under the bed for “shanks” before going to sleep
• He’s convinced that the government is watching him through his TV (which, to be fair, might actually be true)

The Unusual Prison Talents

If Gramps has a set of unusual talents that seem to have no practical application in the outside world, it might be because he picked them up while serving time. Here are a few prison talents to watch out for:

• He can make a shiv out of literally anything (including a bar of soap and a toothbrush)
• He can communicate using only prison slang and hand gestures
• He can turn a pack of ramen noodles into a gourmet meal (okay, that one’s actually pretty impressive)

So there you have it, folks. If Grandma’s boyfriend exhibits any of these red flags, it might be time to start asking some tough questions (and possibly invest in a good lawyer). But hey, who are we to judge? Maybe Gramps is just a misunderstood soul who made a few mistakes in his past. Or maybe he’s a hardened criminal who’s just waiting for the right moment to strike. Either way, it’s important to keep an eye out for any suspicious behavior (and to always have a shiv handy, just in case).

But in all seriousness, if you suspect that Grandma’s boyfriend might be fresh out of prison, it’s important to approach the situation with caution and compassion. Remember, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone deserves a second chance (unless they’re a serial killer or a Nickelback fan, in which case, run for the hills). So before you go accusing Gramps of being a hardened criminal, try to get to know him as a person. You might be surprised by what you find (or you might be horrified, in which case, please refer to the aforementioned shiv).

And if all else fails, just remember: if Grandma’s happy, then who are we to judge? After all, love knows no bounds (except maybe the bounds of a prison cell). So let’s all raise a glass (of prune juice) to Grandma and her new beau, and wish them all the happiness in the world (and a lifetime supply of ramen noodles).