A flea market bellybutton piercing is a stranger punching a hole in your torso, usually within spitting distance of a table full of haunted dolls. Before his hands go anywhere near your waistband, ask about sterile needles, licensing, jewelry metal and his blood alcohol level. A shrug means keep your shirt on. People grill a…
The worst things to hear from a barber holding a weed whacker include “hold still,” “tuck those in” and pretty much any sentence that ends with the word “downstairs.” If the engine’s already running, it’s too late to fake a phone call. A Saturday trim just became a hostage situation with a cape. The Worst…
Cheap tequila starts making decisions somewhere between the third pour and the moment you tell a stranger they have an old soul. The signs the cheap tequila is about to start making decisions never really change. Standards drift early. The phone leaves your pocket like a gun in act two, and everyone at the table…
The waiting room is where the damage gets done. The exam takes about two minutes, most of it spent making small talk with a woman who has looked at more cervixes than you have looked at anything. The nine things you should never do while waiting for a Pap smear are all things people do…
Somewhere in a Wendy’s right now, two grown adults are sitting eighteen inches apart with their pants around their ankles, both pretending the other one does not exist. That mutual lie is the load-bearing wall of American civilization. The fun ways to annoy the person in the next bathroom stall all work by kicking that…
A hot tub is roughly 400 gallons of warm water shared by adults who did not shower, held at precisely the temperature a laboratory would have chosen on purpose. The 11 things nobody wants to find floating in a hot tub are the ones that turn a party into a silent investigation. Everyone starts doing…