Some people lose their memory to time. Your mother-in-law loses hers the second a receipt walks into the room. She borrowed the four hundred bucks. You both watched it happen. Now she squints at you like you’re a stranger trying to sell her a timeshare in Boca. The timing is medically fascinating. The fog rolls…
The repo man is in your driveway and your truck has eleven missed payments riding shotgun. The attic is now your primary residence. Mazel tov. What follows is everything you need to survive up there with your kneecaps and your last shred of self-respect mostly intact. You Earned This, Champion Somewhere along the line you…
Your tapeworm has been living inside your guts rent-free for months, eating your food, stealing your nutrients, and laying approximately one million eggs a day inside your colon — and you haven’t even offered it a name yet. Rude. Sure, doctors will tell you to “immediately seek medical treatment” and “stop eating undercooked pork” and…
Somewhere in an open-plan office right now, a man in a quarter-zip is convinced his company laptop is a money printer. He is wrong. He is also forty minutes from a meeting with HR that he thinks is about parking. So here’s the deal, you beautiful financial disaster. You want to know how to use…
You love chainsaws. You cannot see. Society told you to pick one, and society was an idiot. Because right now, three counties over, a blind man named Dale is turning a stranger’s dead oak into a mallard and charging four grand for it. Dale has a boat. Do you have a boat? Dale cannot see…
Your ex-wife calls. You answer, because hope is a disease you never finished treating. Within four seconds she has called you a no-good drunk loser, which is rude, oddly specific, and — let’s be honest — only about two-thirds wrong. She has had years to sharpen this material. You have had a six-pack and a…