So the little bastard turned another year older. Congratulations are technically in order, for a person who does not have a body, a birth certificate, or the decency to exist. Throwing a surprise party for your imaginary friend is simple. You plan the whole thing yourself, you show up, and you act shocked on their…
The printed date is a manufacturer’s opinion about flavor. Your nose is a wet biological sensor that has been rating garbage since before anyone invented pants. Neither one should be running a kitchen unsupervised. With one exception, the date on a package describes quality, not safety. The sniff test catches rot, and rot is the…
The best Thanksgiving dinner ideas for people in a coma are liquid, drama-free and delivered through a feeding tube, because the guest of honor has officially retired from chewing. It is the only person at the table getting stuffed without anybody buying them a drink first. Anything headed into that tube gets cleared by the…
The 13 foods that will find your canker sore immediately are the acidic ones, the spicy ones, the pointy ones, and the ones your immune system has beef with. A canker sore is an open ulcer on the soft tissue inside your mouth. It has no skin on it. It is a raw nerve wearing…
There is a moment in every American cheapskate’s life when the hospital bill arrives and his eye begins twitching. He looks at the deductible. He looks at the garage. He thinks, “How hard could it be?” The answer is: harder than installing a transmission while drunk, and considerably less photogenic. A colonoscopy sounds simple until…
“Hold my beer” is not the punchline. The punchline is a neighbor describing a thumb in wet grass to a dispatcher. Nobody puts the can down. The can is load-bearing. Half the firework blast patients at one California trauma center were drunk. Ninety percent turned up with a hand missing pieces of itself. Your Beer…