Baby names inspired by fast food menu items are exactly what they sound like, and yes, people do this stone-cold sober. The drive-thru is not a restaurant. It is a baptismal font with a speaker box. Somewhere, a child named after a burrito thrives. Her name is Chalupa. She has better credit than you. The…
Somewhere around thirty-two, you leaned into a bright mirror and discovered your upper lip had quietly been keeping secrets from you. Proper mustache care for women in their thirties starts with one deranged idea. The fuzz up there is not your enemy, and roughly 40% of women carry some unwanted facial hair, according to dermatologists…
You play the harmonica with a mouthful of pudding the same way you play it empty: keep the harp deep, keep your lips loose, and pray to whatever god handles dairy. The only difference is that now every wrong note leaves the stage as a fine mist of butterscotch. It sounds like a bar bet…
Polite ways to decline a fistfight at the Waffle House are the most underrated survival skill in the American South. The goal is simple: walk out with your teeth, your dignity, and your smothered-and-covered intact. The difficulty is that you must turn down a brawl without wounding the pride of a man who bench-presses motorcycles…
America runs about 29,500 coin laundries, and statistically you have already ruined someone’s afternoon in at least one of them. That is not an accident. That is a craft. Being a decent human at a laundromat is easy, and any coward can do it. The real art is making forty strangers quietly wish a sinkhole…
Greg counted the beers Greg knows how many beers are in that fridge. He counted them this morning, he’ll count them tonight, and somewhere in between he has decided you’re the prime suspect in a crime you may not have committed. Learning how to convince your stepdad you’re not stealing his beer comes down to…
