An addiction to watching paint dry is the compulsive need to stare at a wet wall until it stops being wet, which is also how most couples describe sex after the second kid. It starts innocently. One coat of eggshell in the guest bathroom and a “quick look.” Six hours later you’re still in there,…
Competitive eating tips for people with only one tooth begin with a truth the dental industry has spent a century burying: chewing is optional. Somewhere right now, a man with a single defiant molar is preparing to inhale forty hot dogs while a fully-toothed rival weeps into his own bib. That lone tooth is not…
The worst diseases you could catch while time traveling are bubonic plague, smallpox, cholera, the 1918 flu, ergotism, and syphilis. Each one ran the planet for centuries before vaccines showed up and ruined the party. Your immune system was raised on hand sanitizer and oat-milk lattes. It would meet these things with all the readiness…
Your imaginary friend’s imaginary dog has a birthday, because even hallucinated mammals demand catering. The dog has no body or anus. It expects more than your bowling-alley childhood disaster. How to throw a birthday party for your imaginary friend’s imaginary dog begins with confidence, theatrical waste, and permanent exile from brunch. Confirm the Birthday Dog…
Your living room now smells like a farm lost custody of itself, and one lampshade contains an egg nobody can emotionally explain. The chickens are offended, the carpet is crunchy, and your landlord has developed the serene facial expression of someone pricing a new yacht. This is the hangover after a live chicken rodeo: no…
To stop your dad from putting his colonoscopy photos in the family slideshow, seize the laptop, hide the HDMI cable, and cut a deal with his ego before he cuts one at the reunion. Nobody at Grandma’s 90th needs to see where the sun doesn’t shine, rendered in 4K. Dad got his insides photographed by…