Your tapeworm hates scratch-off tickets. Not mildly. It hates them the way you hate the man who reclines his airplane seat straight into your kneecaps. There is a tenant living inside you. It is long, it is pale, and it has strong opinions about your money. Every time you buy a scratcher, something tightens deep…
Smuggling booze into the office in a baby bottle works for exactly one reason: not a single coworker will ever find the spine to ask why a 41-year-old man owns one. The method is gloriously stupid and refreshingly simple. You fill a nursery bottle with the adult beverage of your choosing and twist on a…
Your tongue feels like a gym sock that lost a bar fight. Your liver has hired a lawyer and is filing for emancipation. Somewhere in the last 72 hours you texted your ex, your landlord, and a Wendy’s drive-thru speaker you mistook for a priest. It is now 6:58 a.m. and you have to convince…
Looking extremely busy while doing absolutely nothing at work is the closest thing most adults have to a superpower. And wanting it does not make you a freak. In one survey of 1,000 full-time employees, 83% admitted to at least one act of performative work in the past year. The other 17% were lying to…
Some baby names sound like poetry. Others sound like the thing that dinged at 2 a.m. because the rinse cycle finished. The 17 baby names that sound like kitchen appliances below are all one showroom catalog away from a lawsuit. And every one of them has landed on a real birth certificate somewhere, printed by…
There is a specific kind of hubris that belongs to a person standing in front of a time machine, holding an EpiPen in one hand and a crumpled tissue in the other, thinking: “Yeah. This will go fine.” That person is you. And no, it will not go fine. Solo time travel tips for people…