So you want to lose thirty pounds, and you’ve decided the express lane is a bloodborne parasite delivered by a bug the size of a typo. Bold. Stupid, but bold. Here’s the honest answer right up top: yes, a screaming malarial fever will absolutely torch your appetite, your water weight, and your will to live,…
Somewhere right now, a couple is naming their son Aiden. Again. The fourth one this week. The best baby names inspired by deli meats exist so your family never has to join that pile. Picture a kid named Pastrami walking into homeroom. The whole room sits up straight. Now picture a kid named Aiden, already…
Putting a hot pepper anywhere near your back door is a decision your nervous system will be filing a formal complaint about. The worst hot peppers to use in an enema are the superhots: the Carolina Reaper, the ghost pepper, the Trinidad Scorpion, and any pepper with “death,” “nuclear,” or “widow” in its name. These…
There is a special breed of human who quits a job they hate the responsible way. They write a heartfelt resignation letter, they give a full two weeks, and they walk out the door with their dignity completely intact and their bank account completely empty. That is the sucker’s exit. Quitting gets you a firm…
There comes a moment in every family gathering when the air shifts, the dog flees the room, and you realize Grandpa has once again loaded his slacks like a Civil War musket. Telling him is delicate work. You want to be fast, kind, and standing roughly forty feet upwind. The honest approach: pull him aside…
Somewhere in America right now, a Thanksgiving host is sprinting away from a pan of gravy to reach a bathroom in time. That host is an amateur. The seasoned host does not leave the kitchen. The seasoned host has already settled the entire bathroom question, structurally, inside their pants. Hosting Thanksgiving while wearing adult diapers…