There is a specific kind of hubris that belongs to a person standing in front of a time machine, holding an EpiPen in one hand and a crumpled tissue in the other, thinking: “Yeah. This will go fine.” That person is you. And no, it will not go fine. Solo time travel tips for people…
Here are the only DIY vasectomy tips for single dads that will not end with a paramedic learning your first name: don’t. Put down whatever you were about to reach for. Back away from your own groin slowly, like it’s a raccoon that got into the garage and now has opinions. You are a single…
So you want to live inside a rented storage unit during the winter. Welcome, you magnificent disaster. Let’s be clear up top. This is illegal in all fifty states, against every lease ever printed, and a great way to meet a firefighter under the worst possible circumstances. None of that stopped you, obviously. You’re already…
A college beer foul is the kind of crime that wouldn’t even make the local news. That is exactly the problem. The cops don’t care. The RA has spiritually retired. The campus liver donor list is being aggressively updated as we speak. Society chose to look the other way. That is how an entire generation…
Some people lose their memory to time. Your mother-in-law loses hers the second a receipt walks into the room. She borrowed the four hundred bucks. You both watched it happen. Now she squints at you like you’re a stranger trying to sell her a timeshare in Boca. The timing is medically fascinating. The fog rolls…
The repo man is in your driveway and your truck has eleven missed payments riding shotgun. The attic is now your primary residence. Mazel tov. What follows is everything you need to survive up there with your kneecaps and your last shred of self-respect mostly intact. You Earned This, Champion Somewhere along the line you…