The best snacks for watching your neighbor’s boat get repossessed are quiet, one-handed, and crunchy enough to drown out your own giggling. Kettle corn, ballpark franks, soft pretzels, and shrimp cocktail lead the lineup. A pineapple upside-down cake closes the show, because dessert should match the neighbor’s balance sheet. Every cul-de-sac has a Gary. Gary…
The best budget decorating ideas for the shed you’re calling a guesthouse come down to a real mattress, blackout curtains, free paint, thrifted furniture, and warm light. Spend on sleep and safety first. Everything else is lipstick on a riding mower. A shed guesthouse is a backyard outbuilding with a bed, a light, a locking…
A flea market bellybutton piercing is a stranger punching a hole in your torso, usually within spitting distance of a table full of haunted dolls. Before his hands go anywhere near your waistband, ask about sterile needles, licensing, jewelry metal and his blood alcohol level. A shrug means keep your shirt on. People grill a…
The worst things to hear from a barber holding a weed whacker include “hold still,” “tuck those in” and pretty much any sentence that ends with the word “downstairs.” If the engine’s already running, it’s too late to fake a phone call. A Saturday trim just became a hostage situation with a cape. The Worst…
Cheap tequila starts making decisions somewhere between the third pour and the moment you tell a stranger they have an old soul. The signs the cheap tequila is about to start making decisions never really change. Standards drift early. The phone leaves your pocket like a gun in act two, and everyone at the table…
The waiting room is where the damage gets done. The exam takes about two minutes, most of it spent making small talk with a woman who has looked at more cervixes than you have looked at anything. The nine things you should never do while waiting for a Pap smear are all things people do…