Your tapeworm has been living inside your guts rent-free for months, eating your food, stealing your nutrients, and laying approximately one million eggs a day inside your colon — and you haven’t even offered it a name yet. Rude. Sure, doctors will tell you to “immediately seek medical treatment” and “stop eating undercooked pork” and…
Somewhere in an open-plan office right now, a man in a quarter-zip is convinced his company laptop is a money printer. He is wrong. He is also forty minutes from a meeting with HR that he thinks is about parking. So here’s the deal, you beautiful financial disaster. You want to know how to use…
You love chainsaws. You cannot see. Society told you to pick one, and society was an idiot. Because right now, three counties over, a blind man named Dale is turning a stranger’s dead oak into a mallard and charging four grand for it. Dale has a boat. Do you have a boat? Dale cannot see…
Your ex-wife calls. You answer, because hope is a disease you never finished treating. Within four seconds she has called you a no-good drunk loser, which is rude, oddly specific, and — let’s be honest — only about two-thirds wrong. She has had years to sharpen this material. You have had a six-pack and a…
CRISPR organ cloning tips for dummies is a phrase that should not exist, and yet here you sit, mouth-breathing with ambition. Let’s set expectations. CRISPR is a gene-editing tool that cuts DNA like molecular scissors with a vendetta. Scientists use it to build organs your immune system won’t try to murder on arrival. You will…
Surviving a drunk, brawling Thanksgiving comes down to three things: low expectations, a head start on snacks, and a car with gas in it. The turkey is not the main event. The main event is your uncle explaining crypto to a sleeping dog while your aunt sharpens a butter knife with her eyes. Nobody walks…