The best places to hide your hemorrhoid cream at work are a bag you personally carry, a drawer that locks, or the glovebox of your car. Everywhere else is a coin flip with your dignity. That tube is small and shaped like a fire extinguisher for a very specific emergency. It has never once blended…
The worst places to have a loud argument about money are the ones with an audience, bad acoustics, no exit, and a stranger holding your dog. American couples average 58 money-related arguments a year, which is one roughly every six days. Nobody schedules those. They arrive like a fart in a crowded elevator: unplanned, undeniable,…
So you demolished a Crunchwrap Supreme at 1 a.m., and now a board-certified professional is about to introduce himself to the aftermath. The good news: this is survivable. The better news: there are seven battle-tested ways to keep your dignity, your doctor, and the building’s smoke detectors fully operational. None of them involve a time…
Being covered in baby oil turns an ordinary adult into a human eel with a LinkedIn account. Almost nothing you normally do stays legal, safe, or socially survivable once you’ve gone full glazed doughnut. The honest answer is short: do less, touch nothing, apologize early. The longer answer involves your couch, a condom that didn’t…
A limo is a couch that drinks. It is the only party that pulls over when somebody needs to pee, and the only one where the staff drives you home afterward and asks if you had a nice night. Fun things to do in a limo run from the wholesome to the kind of thing…
The worst places to practice your bagpipe solo at 6 a.m. are any building where humans are currently unconscious, any building where humans are trying to become unconscious, and the great outdoors. That covers apartments, hospitals, hotels, campgrounds, office parks, and your in-laws’ guest room. The Great Highland bagpipe has no volume knob. It has…