So you’ve looked at your home, your loved ones, and your dignity, and thought, “All of this could be lottery tickets.” Welcome. You’re among friends. Disgraceful, financially doomed friends, but friends. The best high-value items to pawn for lottery ticket money are the ones heavy enough to matter and light enough to carry while a…
There is a breed of human who reads a four-figure dinner bill and quietly chooses death. Faking a massive heart attack to skip a huge dinner bill is the most theatrical way ever invented to dodge splitting an appetizer. It is cowardly, illegal, and morally bankrupt. It is also, regrettably, the funniest thing you will…
Forget what your grandkids whispered about you being “past your prime” — the nursing home is the most criminally underrated singles bar in America. The lights are dim, the dress code is pajamas, and everybody here has long since accepted that bowel movements are perfectly appropriate second-date conversation. The dating pool may be shallower than…
Your tapeworm hates scratch-off tickets. Not mildly. It hates them the way you hate the man who reclines his airplane seat straight into your kneecaps. There is a tenant living inside you. It is long, it is pale, and it has strong opinions about your money. Every time you buy a scratcher, something tightens deep…
Smuggling booze into the office in a baby bottle works for exactly one reason: not a single coworker will ever find the spine to ask why a 41-year-old man owns one. The method is gloriously stupid and refreshingly simple. You fill a nursery bottle with the adult beverage of your choosing and twist on a…
Your tongue feels like a gym sock that lost a bar fight. Your liver has hired a lawyer and is filing for emancipation. Somewhere in the last 72 hours you texted your ex, your landlord, and a Wendy’s drive-thru speaker you mistook for a priest. It is now 6:58 a.m. and you have to convince…