The best lies to tell when someone asks why your hands are sticky are boring, edible, and out of your mouth in under three seconds. Honey. A peach. A juice box that went off like a claymore in the passenger seat. Nobody in recorded history has followed up on a peach. The instinct is to…
Buy the bird last, leave it in its factory bag, hide it inside a coat with an interior pocket, and sit on the aisle in the back row. That is how you sneak a full rotisserie chicken into a movie theater, and it works most of the time. The rest of the time it leaks….
Your toilet is a straw, not a stomach. It moves three things: pee, poop, and toilet paper. That is the entire guest list. Everything else takes a slow, humiliating tour of your pipes before meeting a stranger holding a wrench. That stranger is your plumber, and he has seen things that would make a coroner…
The Health Benefits of Yelling at Inanimate Objects (Your Printer Deserves This) Yelling at a jammed printer has never once unjammed a printer. It will, however, measurably improve your grip strength for roughly ten seconds, which is worthless against a paper jam and outstanding against a pickle jar. The health benefits of yelling at inanimate…
Delicious possum recipes the whole family will fight over come down to two dishes. Possum and taters, and a whole possum roasted over sweet potatoes. Both need a full marsupial, most of an afternoon, and one relative with opinions. The meat runs dark and greasy and lands close to rabbit. Whether it comes out delicious…
Getting hired was the easy part. Some sleep-deprived manager glanced at a résumé, ignored every red flag waving like it was guiding a plane onto a runway, and signed off on a human being. That human being is you. Now comes the real craft: making that decision haunt them like a silent fart in a…