Somewhere in a Wendy’s right now, two grown adults are sitting eighteen inches apart with their pants around their ankles, both pretending the other one does not exist. That mutual lie is the load-bearing wall of American civilization. The fun ways to annoy the person in the next bathroom stall all work by kicking that…
A hot tub is roughly 400 gallons of warm water shared by adults who did not shower, held at precisely the temperature a laboratory would have chosen on purpose. The 11 things nobody wants to find floating in a hot tub are the ones that turn a party into a silent investigation. Everyone starts doing…
The best lies to tell when someone asks why your hands are sticky are boring, edible, and out of your mouth in under three seconds. Honey. A peach. A juice box that went off like a claymore in the passenger seat. Nobody in recorded history has followed up on a peach. The instinct is to…
Buy the bird last, leave it in its factory bag, hide it inside a coat with an interior pocket, and sit on the aisle in the back row. That is how you sneak a full rotisserie chicken into a movie theater, and it works most of the time. The rest of the time it leaks….
Your toilet is a straw, not a stomach. It moves three things: pee, poop, and toilet paper. That is the entire guest list. Everything else takes a slow, humiliating tour of your pipes before meeting a stranger holding a wrench. That stranger is your plumber, and he has seen things that would make a coroner…
The Health Benefits of Yelling at Inanimate Objects (Your Printer Deserves This) Yelling at a jammed printer has never once unjammed a printer. It will, however, measurably improve your grip strength for roughly ten seconds, which is worthless against a paper jam and outstanding against a pickle jar. The health benefits of yelling at inanimate…