Bacteria on the back of your stepdad’s tongue are digesting protein and belching out volatile sulfur compounds, mainly hydrogen sulfide and methyl mercaptan. Those gases account for about 90% of the smell in halitosis. Translated into English, his mouth is a compost bin with strong opinions about the thermostat. The hot dog note comes from…
Spray tan warning signs before you look like a traffic cone show up early, usually while you are still fully clothed and still capable of leaving. They arrive as a mystery jug and a bored technician. They arrive as a shade chart with three settings that all sound like energy drinks. Miss them and your…
Nothing inspires medical confidence like a Dodge Caravan with a red cross painted on the side in what is unmistakably nail polish. Real bloodmobiles park in these same lots, hand out these same cookies, and hire nurses who can find a vein through a winter coat. This one has a beach chair, a bath towel,…
Your pancreas is probably a flat earther. It spends its entire life lying down in the dark, and it has never once seen a horizon. Officially, it’s a gland that runs digestion and blood sugar. Spiritually, it’s a divorced guy named Dale with a ring light, a podcast mic, and a lot of thoughts about…
A five gallon bucket of ranch dressing holds about 89,600 calories. That assumes full-fat ranch, because nobody buying five gallons was ever going to pick the light version. A US gallon is 128 fluid ounces under federal measurement standards, so the bucket holds 640 ounces of creamy bad decisions. A University of Maryland dining label…
Congratulations, the weight is gone. Your skin, however, is still hanging around like the last guy at a swingers party who can’t find his pants. The short answer: you can’t legally sell it. What you can do is tighten it, hide it, lift it, or pay a surgeon to remove it like the world’s most…