I ate at a restaurant last week that advertised “home-style” cooking. It got me to wondering while I looked at the menu. It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down at a restaurant that touted itself as an establishment that serves up home cooking. Typically this isn’t the type of place that I eat at. I’ll get into that later. Just hold on for a second. I’ve got some other things to spit out before then. Remember, today we write for machines and not people. I’m just trying to get some of that sweet Google traffic. That’s what we’re all here for. We’re sucking from the teet of the behemoth that makes dreams come true.
How homemade is the food?
I ordered a taco salad. It didn’t look like anything I’d get at home. It came in a fried tortilla shell. Who has time to deep fry tortilla shells at home? I’m not sure the average person could find the time to create one of these crispy delicious bowls in between changing diapers and yelling at their neighbor to keep the music down. Do you ever notice that neighbors who play loud music always have the worst taste in music? It’s never something that you actually like to hear. It makes me wonder if they do it on purpose. I wouldn’t mind being kept wide awake until four in the morning while listening to the golden pipes of Robert Goulet.
Type two diabetes on a plate
The taco salad that I ordered was huge. It could’ve easily fed two people. My wife makes my plates at meal time. I can’t imagine her piling on the food like that. I’d immediately wonder what’s going on. Why does she want me to eat so much? Do people really eat that much food at home? It’s hard to believe that anyone would eat a taco salad so big that it made them feel sluggish. I have zero doubt whatsoever that I was waddling like a penguin after eating the taco salad. Yes, I did eat the entire thing. I wasn’t going to let it go to waste.
Home style food isn’t really home cooking
The menu had all you can eat fish on it. Who cooks that way at home? When was the last time you sat at a supper table and someone said you can eat as much as you want? Keep on chowing down and they’ll cook up some more. It doesn’t matter if you just ate ten pieces of fish. They’ll fry you up another ten if that’s what you want. No one cooks like that at home. Maybe this misses the point a little when it comes to the whole home style thing. But, it’s not too far off. It could be. I’m not a real blogger. I have no responsibility to report the truth. Sorry.
I don’t go to restaurants to eat food I can get at home
I don’t want to eat home style food at a restaurant. I’m not saying my wife’s cooking is bad. But, the whole point of eating at a restaurant is to eat something different. Why go to a restaurant if they’re serving exactly what you’re eating at home? That doesn’t make a bit of sense to me at all. It’s not home style food. If it was, no one would be eating it. Unless no one cooks any more and wants oversized portions of it served for insanely high prices.
There are no waitresses at home
Want to spend a week on the couch? If that sounds appealing, just talk to your significant other like they’re a waiter or waitress. Need an extra pat of butter? Don’t get up and get it yourself. Just ask them to do it. You may need a few more ice cubes for your drink. It would be a shame for you to break away from your great meal. Nothing can get you in trouble with your spouse like pretending they’re there to serve you hand and foot.
Here are some suggestions to make home style restaurants more homey:
Randomly place a crying baby that needs a diaper change
Make sure the diaper stinks for added surrealism. It shouldn’t be possible to eat without first changing the diaper.
Where’s the hair in the food?
How can it be a home style meal without at least one hair? Come on, it’s the effort that counts. It’s like they’re not even trying. Shed a few hairs in the beef stew before putting it out on the table. It’ll ensure everyone who eats it feels right at home.
Every woman at the table should be served a cold meal
This is one thing every wife and mother can understand. How long has it been since you’ve actually eaten a hot meal? It’s not a real home style meal if the food is hot. The food shouldn’t even be warm. Serving cold food to a woman is the only way to make sure she feels at home.
A drunk uncle needs to be in the corner
No meal is family style without a drunk uncle. The restaurant needs to make sure that he’s stinking drunk. The kind of drunk that immediately gets on everyone’s nerves. He should constantly talk about his ex-wife. The no good woman who drove him to drink. He was perfectly fine until she entered the picture. The guy is mentally weak or too lazy to deal with his own issues. It’s a good thing the bottle is his best friend. It gives him the strength to fight another day and to complain about that woman who ruined his life.
I don’t know if I should say home-style, home style or homestyle. I looked it up on Google. My eyes are tired. I’m not an editor. I’m just a guy who’s craving Stove Top right now. That stuff is so much better than potatoes. Anyway, I’ve eaten at restaurants all over the world. I can’t say I’ve eaten at many, if any restaurants that really serve home cooked food. I think that kind of defies the purpose of going out to eat in the first place.
That’s all I have to say. I wish there was more. I can’t force any more words to come out of my fingers. This writing for machines is far more difficult than I expected. I know you’re probably a person reading this. But, people don’t write for people any more. It’s all about machines and how they rank blog posts in search engines. I hope the machines enjoyed this. I may try to figure out what machines like to read the most. I’m sure their interests are a little different than that of people. Who knows, they too may be big fans of Robert Goulet. I did mention his name twice. Was that just a coincidence? I’ll never tell.