What to Do if You Suspect Your Friend is Driving Drunk

Picture this: you’re out for a night on the town with your best buddy, having a grand old time. You’re both feeling a little tipsy, but hey, that’s what Uber is for, right? Wrong. Your friend, in a moment of sheer brilliance, decides they’re perfectly capable of driving home. Panic sets in as you realize you’re about to become an unwilling participant in a real-life game of Mario Kart. But fear not, my dear reader, for I have compiled a list of absolutely foolproof ways to handle this situation.

The Subtle Approach

1. Casually mention how much you love their car and would hate to see it wrapped around a tree.
2. Start singing “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk” at the top of your lungs until they get the hint.
3. Pretend to be a police officer and threaten to arrest them for public intoxication. (Disclaimer: This may backfire if they call your bluff.)

If subtlety isn’t your strong suit, it’s time to bring out the big guns.

The Art of Distraction

1. Suddenly develop an insatiable craving for late-night tacos. Insist that you simply cannot go on living without them.
2. Challenge your friend to a breakdance battle in the parking lot. Nothing sobers you up quite like a little cardio.
3. Start a deep, philosophical discussion about the meaning of life. By the time you’ve solved all the world’s problems, they’ll have forgotten all about driving.

Remember, the key is to keep them occupied long enough for the alcohol to wear off or for you to secretly call them a cab.

The Bribery Method

Let’s face it, sometimes you have to grease the wheels a little to get what you want. In this case, what you want is for your friend to hand over their keys and not end up as a cautionary tale on the evening news.

• Offer to buy them a month’s supply of their favorite snack food in exchange for their keys.
• Promise to do their laundry for a week. (Note: This may require hazmat gear, depending on your friend’s hygiene habits.)
• Volunteer to be their personal chauffeur for the night, complete with a fancy hat and a British accent.

The Tough Love Approach

If all else fails, it’s time to channel your inner parent and lay down the law.

1. Remind them of that time they accidentally sat on your hamster and promised to owe you one. Well, it’s time to collect.
2. Threaten to call their mom and tattle on them. No one wants to face the wrath of an angry mother.
3. Physically block the driver’s side door with your body. If they try to move you, go boneless like a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store.

The “I’m Not Drunk, You’re Drunk” Defense

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But what if I’m the one who’s been drinking too?” Fear not, my slightly sloshed friend, for I have a solution for you too.

Simply convince your friend that they’re the one who’s been drinking and you’re the responsible one. Use phrases like:

• “Wow, I can’t believe how much you’ve had to drink tonight!”
• “Are you sure you’re okay to drive? You’re looking a little wobbly.”
• “I think I saw you do at least three keg stands in the last hour.”

With any luck, they’ll start to question their own sobriety and hand over the keys.

The “Call in the Reinforcements” Plan

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your friend just won’t listen to reason. In this case, it’s time to bring in some backup.

1. Call their significant other and explain the situation. Nothing strikes fear into the heart of a drunk driver quite like the thought of facing their angry partner.
2. Enlist the help of the bartender or bouncer. They’ve seen their fair share of drunk people and know how to handle them.
3. If all else fails, call the police. Yes, it may seem like a drastic measure, but it’s better than letting your friend become a statistic.

The “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em” Approach

Okay, I’ll level with you. This one is a bit of a Hail Mary. If nothing else has worked and your friend is absolutely determined to drive drunk, your last resort is to join them.

Here’s the plan:

1. Insist on riding shotgun so you can keep an eye on them.
2. Constantly remind them to “stay in their lane” and “watch out for that tree.”
3. If they start to swerve, grab the wheel and steer them to safety. (Note: This may result in a few mailboxes being taken out, but that’s a small price to pay for your friend’s life.)
4. Once you’ve safely arrived at your destination, promptly confiscate their keys and give them a stern talking-to about the dangers of drunk driving.

The “Reverse Psychology” Trick

If your friend is the type who always does the opposite of what you tell them, it’s time to use a little reverse psychology.

1. Tell them that you think they’re totally fine to drive and that you have complete faith in their ability to navigate the roads while intoxicated.
2. Encourage them to “show off their skills” by weaving in and out of traffic or doing donuts in an empty parking lot.
3. Casually mention how impressed you are by their “superior driving abilities” and how you wish you could be as confident behind the wheel after a few drinks.

With any luck, they’ll start to second-guess themselves and realize that maybe driving drunk isn’t such a great idea after all.

The “Scare Them Straight” Method

If all else fails, it’s time to resort to some good old-fashioned scare tactics.

1. Regale them with horror stories of drunk driving accidents you’ve heard about on the news.
2. Show them graphic pictures of car crashes caused by intoxicated drivers. (Bonus points if you can find ones that look suspiciously like their car.)
3. Remind them of how much they love their car and how devastating it would be to see it reduced to a twisted heap of metal.

The goal here is to make the consequences of drunk driving seem so terrifying that they’ll never even consider getting behind the wheel while under the influence again.

The “Bait and Switch” Bamboozle

This one requires a bit of advanced planning, but it’s worth it for the look on your friend’s face when they realize they’ve been duped.

1. Before heading out for the night, secretly disable your friend’s car. Remove the battery, let the air out of the tires, or even just hide their keys.
2. When it comes time to leave, feign surprise and concern when their car won’t start.
3. Offer to call them a cab or give them a ride home, all while trying to keep a straight face.

The next day, when they come to retrieve their car, you can come clean about your little prank and give them a friendly reminder about the importance of not driving drunk.

The “It’s All a Dream” Deception

If you’re feeling particularly mischievous, you can try convincing your friend that the entire night has been nothing but a dream.

1. When they insist on driving home, play along and get in the car with them.
2. As they’re driving, casually mention how strange it is that everything seems to be moving in slow motion and how the colors all look a bit off.
3. Gradually start to introduce more and more surreal elements into the conversation, like talking animals or flying cars.
4. When they inevitably become confused and disoriented, gently suggest that maybe they’re actually dreaming and that it’s time to wake up.

If done correctly, this little mind trick can be just enough to snap your friend out of their drunken stupor and convince them to hand over the keys.

The “Designated Driver” Disguise

If all else fails, it’s time to break out the costumes.

1. Before your friend has a chance to get behind the wheel, quickly change into a chauffeur’s uniform or a police officer’s outfit.
2. Approach their car and explain that you’ve been hired as their designated driver for the evening.
3. If they try to argue, simply flash your fake badge or point to your official-looking hat and insist that you’re just doing your job.

Sure, it may be a bit of a stretch, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

In Conclusion

Dealing with a friend who insists on driving drunk can be a tricky situation, but with a little creativity and a lot of perseverance, you can keep them (and everyone else on the road) safe. Whether you choose to bribe them with snacks, scare them with horror stories, or simply sit on them until they sober up, the important thing is that you don’t give up. Remember, friends don’t let friends drive drunk – even if it means resorting to some unconventional methods. And if all else fails, hey, there’s always the option of just hitting them over the head with a bottle of wine and throwing away the keys. (Disclaimer: Please don’t actually do this. It’s a joke. Mostly.)