How to Overcome the Desire to Shoplift

We’ve all been there – you’re innocently browsing the sale racks at Neiman’s, when a stunning silk scarf that’s marked down from $800 to $797.50 catches your eye. “I could totally pull that off,” you think. “In fact, I’d look positively smashing!” And that’s when the shoplifter’s devil on your shoulder starts whispering sweet nothings about the five-finger discount…

Now, now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Slipping that baby into your oversized tote would be the ultimate fashion faux pas – one that could literally get your cute little keister thrown in the slammer! I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not get too up close and personal with anyone’s cavity search techniques, if you know what I mean.

But don’t worry, I’ve got your back (and your potential criminal record) covered with these hilarious and ironclad tips for keeping your sticky paws to yourself while shopping. Let’s get into it!

Step 1: Identify Your Klepto Triggers The first step to solving any problem is understanding what’s causing it in the first place. With shoplifting urges, there could be several factors at play:

• You’re a bougie shopaholic with Champagne taste but a Natty Light budget
• You get an adrenaline rush from doing minor illegal things (you little rebel, you!)
• You’re chronically forgetful and just kept…forgetting…to pay for stuff
• It’s a compulsive mental health issue you struggle with (no judgment, fam)

Whatever the root cause, knowing your triggers can help you anticipate situations that might inspire five-finger piracy. For instance, if you know you get light-fingered around designer purses, avoid stores like Louis Vuitton and stick to more budget-friendly accessories at Claire’s. Problem solved!

Step 2: Find Legal Ways to Get Your Kicks For some, the thrill of shoplifting comes from getting away with defying rules and feeling like a badass renegade. The good news is, there are lots of 100% legal ways to scratch that rebel itch without committing actual crimes:

• Go bungee jumping or skydiving – nothing says “adrenaline junkie” like plummeting towards Earth while attached to a giant rubber band!
• Get into fights on Twitter over literally any topic – ethics in gaming journalism, pineapple on pizza, you name it. Just log off before the cops get called for cyber harassment.
• Attend a City Council meeting and loudly, but calmly, voice your dumbest political opinions. It’s not illegal, just extremely annoying!
• Acquire aream of low-stakes misdemeanor violations, like driving a few mph over the limit or “forgetting” to pay parking meters. The adrenaline of constantly evading The Man will keep you on your toes!

The possibilities for safe, non-felonious thrills are endless. Use your imagination, you lawless rascal!

Step 3: Set a “Treats” Budget Oftentimes, people engage in retail thievery because they can’t afford the ridiculous markups on everyday items. You know the ones – they’re like “Here’s a plain white t-shirt for the reasonable price of $150!” No thanks, Becky.

Rather than leaving the store with the t-shirt and a new criminal record, try setting up a “Treats” budget that allows you to splurge on nice things responsibly:

• Divert money from non-essential expenses like daily caviar lunches and luxury yak fur coats into your Treats fund.
• Deposit at least 30% of any financial windfalls like work bonuses or litigation settlement payouts into the fund. Shoplift that settlement check and it’s felony grand theft time!
• Seek out “cash only” side gigs like dog walking or cam work to earn guilt-free spending cash (use protection, folks!)
• Raid the sofa for loose change on the regular – you’d be amazed what those quarters can add up to!

With a steady flow of legal fun money, it gets a lot easier to say “Worth the price!” rather than “Worth the risk of jail time!

Step 4: Identify Enabling Shopping Buddies There’s nothing more dangerous than a partner in crime who’s all too willing to assist in your literal crimes. We’ve all got those sketchy friends who have zero qualms about stuffing merch into their xxl purses – do not, I repeat, DO NOT go shopping with them!

Instead, surround yourself with a reliable circle of honest folk who will call you out for any shady behavior. Ideal shopping buddies include:

• Your grandma who will beat you senseless with her purse if you steal
• Uptight roommates who aren’t afraid to snitch to the authorities
• Local cops who are working off-duty security for the stores
• Random strangers who are nosy and love confrontation

These stand-up citizens won’t hesitate to narc on you or verbally shame you for any illegal shopping transgressions. And really, is there any greater motivator to be good than avoidance of public embarrassment?

Step 5: Channel That Freaky Energy Elsewhere Okay, so you’ve tried everything – setting aside a shopping budget, surrounding yourself with a moral support system, seeking out legal thrills. But the urge to shoplift is still there, whispering sweet temptations into your ear like an sireny ex-lover. What now?

When all else fails, you’ve gotta find a positive outlet for that pent-up klepto energy. May I suggest:

• Taking up more socially acceptable addictions like knitting, binge-watching terrible TV shows, or hoarding ceramic figurines
• Channeling those light fingers into become a master pickpocket…of inanimate objects! See how many individual playing cards you can swipe out of a deck in one minute. Go!
• Exploring ethical non-monogamy by “stealing” other people’s partners with consent. It’s not technically illegal in most places!
• Volunteering at a local museum, where you’ll be surrounded by priceless artifacts just begging to be stuffed under your oversized cardigan. But you would never, right? Right??

The point is, there are healthier ways to get that deviant fix without landing yourself in the big house. It’s all about keeping those itchy fingers busy with productive (or at least harmless) hobbies.

Step 6: If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em Okay, everybody remains calm – this is just a hypothetical! But let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you did something extremely stupid and stole like $5000 worth of electronics from your local Best Buy. What do you do then, when temptation has already won?

In that scenario, I’d recommend fully leaning into your new life of crime and becoming the slickest, most audacious thief who ever lived. Some ideas:

• Start an underground crime school to teach others your sticky-fingered ways. Potential class titles include “Profiting From Petty Larceny 101” and “Money Laundering For Dummies.”
• Upgrade from petty shoplifting to bigger scores – art heists, bank robberies, smuggling priceless antiquities, the works! After all, in for a penny, in for a few million pounds…
• Get yourself a dapper lil’ burglar outfit like a flat cap, catburglar onesie, and rapscallion mask to really lean into your new identity as a hardened criminal.
• Find yourself an elderly partner-in-crime who can seem totally innocuous and distract shopkeeps while you boost the goods. (“<em>Why yes, I am just a sweet little old lady meandering about this Jared’s…</em>”)

The possibilities for an exciting life of brazen lawbreaking are endless! Though I probably don’t need to remind you that this is all purely hypothetical…right? Right??

The Bottom Line: Don’t Do It, Bro At the end of the day, no designer handbag or pair of shoes is worth spending time behind bars, getting slapped with hefty fines, or dealing with a permanent criminal record that could mess up your life. There’s nothing funny or badass about shoplifting – it’s just sad and kinda pathetic, to be perfectly frank.

But hey, we all get those feral “WANT SHINY THING” impulses sometimes. The trick is recognizing them for what they are – childish nonsense! – and deploying healthy, responsible coping strategies instead. Whenever the shoplifting demons start tempting you, reread this ironclad list of tips on staying on the straight and narrow. Or, you know, just remind yourself that jumpsuits are absolutely not your color…

So don’t be a dingus, kids! Keep those sticky fingers to yourselves and #shoplift responsibly. No merch is worth getting your life ruined over.