How to Convince Your Boss You Have a Terminal Illness to Get a Raise

Well hello there, you sneaky little schemer! I see you’ve found your way to this blog post in a desperate attempt to get that raise you so richly deserve. I commend you for thinking outside the box and being willing to stoop to new lows to get ahead. Faking a terminal illness to garner sympathy and cash from your boss is a classic move. But it’s not as easy as it sounds! If you really want to sell your fictional fatal diagnosis, you’ve got to commit to the con 110%. Lucky for you, I’m here to guide you through the process with my unbeatable tips and tricks. So sit back, take notes, and get ready to become the Meryl Streep of Munchausen syndrome.

Why Pretend You’re Dying for Dollars?

I know what you’re thinking – isn’t it wrong to lie about having a terminal illness? Won’t I feel guilty? Am I going to hell for this? The answers are: maybe, probably not, and only if you believe in that sort of thing. But let’s be real, desperate times call for desperate measures. And what could be more desperate than barely scraping by on your measly salary while your boss takes luxurious vacations and wipes his butt with hundos? Here are just a few reasons why feigning fatal sickness could be your ticket to fat stacks:

• Your boss sees you as a walking, talking bag of bones that might croak any day. He’ll feel obligated to “make your last days count” with a big ol’ raise.
• You’ll get unparalleled sympathy and special treatment. Meetings, deadlines, dress codes – those are for healthy losers, not you, you poor dying dear!
• When you make your miraculous recovery, your boss will see you as an inspiration. A true fighter who beat the odds. He’ll probably give you ANOTHER raise.
• Pretending to have a terminal illness is the ULTIMATE excuse to get out of anything. Awkward social engagement? “So sorry, got chemo that day.” Boring work conference? “I’ll be getting fitted for my iron lung.” The possibilities are endless!

Picking Your Poison

The first step in executing a flawless fake terminal illness scam is deciding what disease you allegedly have. This is not a choice to be made lightly! The illness you pick will determine everything from your fake symptoms to your imaginary treatment plan. Here are some popular options to consider, along with pro tips:

Cancer The classic choice. A time-honored tradition in the faking sick community. But be warned – EVERYONE does cancer. If you go this route, you better have an airtight story and Oscar-worthy acting chops. Consider an obscure or hard to diagnose cancer to limit suspicion. Pros:

• Well-known and feared
• Garners maximum sympathy
• Many treatment options to choose from (chemo, radiation, surgery, etc.) Cons:
• So common that people might get suspicious
• You’ll have to shave your head (or will you? More on that later!)
• You might get caught in a web of lies if someone asks too many questions

ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease)

A truly terrifying and debilitating disease. But hey, that means more sympathy points for you! The beauty of ALS is that the symptoms (muscle weakness, twitching, slurred speech) are easy to fake and hard to disprove.
Pros:

• Relatively rare so people won’t know much about it
• Symptoms progress slowly so you can milk it for all it’s worth
• No major visible side effects from treatment Cons:
• Requires some acting skills to pull off symptoms realistically
• People might expect you to participate in the Ice Bucket Challenge
• Stephen Hawking comparisons will get old fast

Some Rare Genetic Thing Your Second Cousin’s Wife’s Step Brother Has

Nothing screams “I’m legit dying” like casually mentioning you have an extremely rare genetic disease that 99.9% of people have never heard of. And because it’s genetic, people will be less likely to question it! Pros:

• No one will know anything about the disease so you can make up whatever symptoms you want
• You can blame your family history and say it was “only a matter of time”
• There won’t be a standard treatment protocol to follow or deviate from Cons:
• You’ll have to remember the name of your made-up disease and recite it naturally
• People might ask for more details that you’ll have to make up on the fly
• You won’t get to participate in any fun disease-specific charities or events

The bottom line is, pick a disease that you feel confident faking and that you think will tug on your boss’s heartstrings the most. Mix and match symptoms as needed. The only limit is your imagination (and your complete lack of morals)!

Crafting Your Sob Story Now that you’ve settled on a suitably tragic terminal illness, it’s time to spin a yarn so sorrowful that your boss will be reaching for his checkbook and industrial-sized box of tissues. Your sob story is the heart and soul of your “I’m dying” deception. It’s the emotional manipulation missile that will obliterate your boss’s defenses and make him putty in your scheming hands. Here are the key elements every killer fake terminal illness sob story needs:

The Shocking Discovery Scene

Set the stage by describing the moment you found out about your condition. Were you sitting in a cold, sterile doctor’s office, clutching a crumpled Kleenex as the doc delivered the devastating news? Did you heroically insist there must be some mistake as a single tear rolled down your trembling cheek? Really paint a picture and make ’em feel like they’re right there with you.

The Brave Battle Ahead

You’re not going down without a fight! Describe your determination to beat this thing, no matter what it takes. Pepper in some battle terminology to show what a fighter you are. “I’m going to kick this cancer’s ass!” “ALS messed with the wrong person!” “I’m gonna punch this obscure genetic disorder right in its imaginary face!” Your boss will be inspired by your courage and moved to open his wallet.

The Emotional Gut-Punch

It’s time to turn on the waterworks and go for the emotional jugular. Talk about all the things you’re going to miss out on because of your untimely demise. Your dog’s funeral. Your daughter’s college graduation. The birth of your cyborg grandchild. Make your boss feel the weight of all the beautiful life moments you won’t get to experience. Openly sob for bonus points.

The “Money is No Object” Misdirect

You don’t want to come right out and say “I need money,” but you also want to plant the seed in your boss’s head. Try something like “I’m not worried about the piles of medical bills, I just want to make the most of the time I have left.” Your boss will have a light bulb moment and say “I know how I can help – WITH COLD HARD CA$H!”

The “I’m Here as Long as I Can” Commitment Remind your boss that even though you’re dying, you’re still dedicated to the job. You’re going to work until you physically can’t anymore, damnit! Sure, you might hack up some blood on your TPS reports, or have to take breaks to dramatically clutch your chest in the break room, but you’ll be there putting in the hours. What a selfless employee!

Staging Your Decline

You can’t just waltz into work one day and say “Surprise, I’m dying!” You’ve got to lay the groundwork with a carefully staged decline. Start subtly with a few suspicious coughs and winces of pain. Miss a couple days sporadically. Then, gradually ramp up the symptoms until you’re a walking episode of Grey’s Anatomy. The key is to make it believable and not overdo it. You want sympathy, not an ambulance called to your cubicle. Here’s a sample timeline:

Week 1: The Hint

• A few well-timed coughs and sniffles
• Holding your side and grimacing when you think someone’s watching
• Leaving a bottle of Tums conspicuously on your desk
• Goal: Plant the seed that something’s not quite right

Week 2: The Revelation

• Call in sick at least once, preferably on a busy day
• Return to work looking pale and tired
• Discreetly dab at your eyes and nose with tissues
• Walk slowly with an uneven gait
• Goal: Raise concern and arouse suspicion

Week 3: The Bombshell

• Casually drop your diagnosis in conversation
• Sniffle quietly at your desk
• Take lots of bathroom breaks for “nausea”
• Ask coworkers what they would do if they only had X months left
• Goal: Ensure that news of your condition spreads like juicy break room gossip

Week 4 and Beyond: The Decline

• Wear progressively baggier clothes to suggest weight loss
• Start using a cane or walker
• Leave yourself increasingly unhinged voicemails on your work phone
• Decorate your desk with pills, medical equipment, and inspirational quotes
• Goal: Look and act like death warmed over to maximize pity points

Faking Your Way Through “Treatment”

Congratulations, your “cancer” or whatever is really ramping up and your boss has offered you a robust raise out of the goodness of his profit-centered heart. Your work is not done yet, my fraudulent friend! Now you’ve got to really commit to the role of Patient Zero. Treatment time! Of course, you’re not actually going to undergo chemo or take some black market drug from China. You’ve just got to convince everyone that you are. And I’ve got you covered.

The Bald Cap Quandary

If you’ve chosen a disease that would logically make your hair fall out, you’ve got a choice to make. To bald cap, or not to bald cap. On one hand, nothing says “I have cancer” like a dramatic chrome dome reveal in the office. On the other, bald caps can look like a lumpy mess if not applied correctly. And do you really want to be mistaken for Mr. Clean? Consider starting with strategic thinning and then making a grand announcement that you’re shaving your remaining wisps in solidarity with other alopecitizens. No one will question it.

The Radiation Hoe-Down

Many cancer patients undergo radiation treatments, and you may be expected to as well. But what does that entail, exactly? Time to get creative! Throw on some comically oversized protective goggles and wrap an ACE bandage around random body parts. Walk into work complaining loudly about how your skin feels like it’s been in the microwave. Just make sure you don’t put the fake burns on a body part that might regularly be visible. We don’t need a “tan lines” situation exposing you.

The Chemo Sham-o

Chemotherapy is the big guns when it comes to cancer treatment. If you’re faking chemo, you’ve got to go all out. First, start carrying around a suspiciously unlabeled IV bag that you refer to as your “medicine.” Periodically disappear into the bathroom with it for an hour. Emerge looking exhausted and green around the gills. Sip broth at your desk and mutter about your mouth sores. If anyone asks how chemo is going, muster your best “brave soldier” face and say “It’s tough, but I’m hanging in there.” Cue the Oscar music.

The Alternative Shenanigan

More and more people are turning to alternative or experimental treatments. If anyone gets suspicious about your lack of obvious treatment side effects, just say you’re eschewing “Big Pharma” for a more holistic approach. Essential oils, energy healing, coffee enemas – pick your woo poison. Heck, start a GoFundMe for an experimental Swiss treatment that costs $50K a pop. Ka-ching!

Miraculous Recovery and Beyond

Well, well, well. Look who’s still alive and kicking! You, that’s who. Despite all odds, you’ve beaten your fake disease. Now what? It’s time to stage your triumphant return and work that survivor status for all it’s worth. Remember, cancer may be temporary but raises are forever. Here’s how to milk your miraculous “recovery” like a cash cow:

The Big Reveal

Call a meeting or wait for a company event to make your announcement. You’ll want as many witnesses as possible for this performance. Take the floor, dab your eyes and say “I have some amazing news. The doctors say I’m officially in remission!” Enjoy the applause, hugs and happy tears. Bask in your spotlight, you beautiful liar.

The “New Lease on Life” Lease

Your boss and coworkers see you as a walking inspiration, a symbol of hope and resilience. Use that to your advantage! Mention how your experience has given you “a new lease on life” and how you want to make the most of your “bonus time.” But don’t get too existential. You’re here to work hard and spew motivational quotes, not have a philosophical crisis.

The Lingering Sympathy Plea

Just because you’re cured doesn’t mean the sympathy train has to stop. You’ve been through the wringer and you’ve got the emotional scars to prove it. Remind your boss of your struggles whenever you need a perk or special consideration. “I know the Q4 budget is tight, but after all those radiation treatments, I could really use an ergonomic desk chair.” “I hate to ask for more PTO, but this will be my first vacation since the diagnosis.” You’ve earned it!

The Fallback Position

With luck, your boss will be so overjoyed and inspired by your recovery that he’ll grant your every whim. But on the off chance the sympathy is starting to wear thin, it’s always good to have a fallback. A sudden suspicious mole, a questionable mammogram, an elevated tumor marker. Just enough to keep ’em on their toes and the money flowing. Remember, there’s no cure for greed!

Conclusion

Well there you have it, my ethically-challenged reader. The ultimate guide to convincing your boss you’re at death’s door for financial gain. Will it work? Who knows! But there’s no reward without risk. And heck, if you’re gonna get fired, it might as well be in a blaze of melodramatic manipulation. Then you can write a memoir about the whole thing and get a movie deal. Talk about a win-win!

Of course, I jest. Faking a terminal illness for personal gain is wrong on every level. It’s emotionally devastating to those around you, it’s a mockery of those actually suffering, and it’s probably illegal. This entire post has been an exercise in dark humor and terrible ethics. If you’re really that hard up for a raise, I suggest brushing up the ol’ resume, not running a long con.

But hey, I’m not here to judge. I’m just a humble blogger with a twisted sense of humor. If you choose to use your powers of deception for evil, that’s on you. Just don’t come crying to me when the whole thing blows up in your manipulative little face. K? K.

In conclusion, get your bag, I guess, but maybe not like this. xoxo, Your Friendly Neighborhood Bad Influence