We’ve all been there at one time or another, and it’s never a pretty sight. You’re sitting on the bus, or you’re at the park, or maybe you’re just out for a walk, and all of a sudden, your stomach flips over. Your lower intestines are doing backflips, there’s loud rumbling in your gut, and you feel sick with every passing second. You can’t help but notice that everyone within a five-foot radius is staring at you. They’re wondering why you’re not doing something about your current situation.
What do you do in these situations when the inevitable comes up, and you’ve got to talk about your explosive diarrhea with strangers? Well, other than immediately vomit and run away, we’ve come up with a few helpful strategies that you can use to deal with this unfortunate situation.
1. Tell people you have AIDS and not diarrhea
Let’s be honest and say that it’s pretty embarrassing to admit that you have diarrhea. Why not tell people that you have AIDS instead? The chances are that they won’t look at you weird or anything, and you can get on with your day without any unnecessary conversation. This may be a good ice-breaker for a conversation at the bar later on.
2. Blame a stray dog for the diarrhea
The truth is that there are always at least a few stray dogs running around the city, and they smell even worse than homeless people. You’re going to have a difficult time explaining to strangers that a dog used the toilet. However, you can point them to a few zany YouTube videos of dogs doing unexplained things, and they’ll probably stop asking questions.
3. Tell people that you’re part of the “Diarrhea Movement.”
You’ll be surprised at how many people you’ll find on the street who are willing to talk about your explosive diarrhea. Just pick up one of those clipboards, and you’ll be making new friends in no time. You’ll find that people are actually quite open-minded when it comes to diarrhea, so you should have no problem getting strangers on board with your movement.
4. Tell the bus driver that you’re about to go into labor
This strategy is just as useful as saying you have AIDS or that you’re part of the Diarrhea Movement. However, it may be a little bit more believable. When you tell the bus driver that you’re about to go into labor, they’ll probably pull over and let you out. He’ll probably even reward you with a coupon for some free fertilizer from his family’s business.
5. Blame the explosive diarrhea on your companion
This may be the easiest thing you can do to get out of an uncomfortable situation. Simply tell people that your companion used the toilet earlier than you did, and by the time you went inside, the toilet was full of diarrhea. Of course, it’s dishonest, but if you hate the person you’re with, it’s a nice little way to get people to stay away from them.
6. Say that you’re a “water buffalo,” and they’ll believe you
You can say this if the conditions are really awkward, and people will believe it. Just stand up on your hind legs, make loud unsatisfied noises, and no one will question the truth of what you’re saying. If this doesn’t work, feel free to walk away or try some of the other methods in this article.
7. Just tell people you have explosive diarrhea
It’s just not that hard to say it! The next time you’re in a situation where other people are around, just be honest and say the word “diarrhea” out loud. If the person you’re talking to has no clue what you’re talking about, they’ll never ask for clarification. Just listen to your gut, and make one of these strategies work for you.
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