What to Do After a Breakup

So, your significant other just dumped you like a hot potato, and you’re feeling lower than a limbo stick at a birthday party for ants. Don’t worry, my newly single friend, because we’ve got you covered with this handy-dandy guide on what to do after a breakup. Get ready to laugh, cry, and maybe even question your life choices as we embark on this wild ride together!

Wallow in Self-Pity Like a Champ

First things first, it’s time to embrace the art of wallowing. Grab a tub of ice cream, put on your favorite sweatpants, and prepare to become one with your couch. Bonus points if you manage to create a permanent butt imprint in the cushions.

• Binge-watch every sappy romantic comedy on Netflix until you start believing that love is nothing but a cruel joke played by the universe
• Cry into your ice cream until it becomes a salty, soupy mess, then eat it anyway because you’re a strong, independent person who don’t need no spoon
• Create a shrine dedicated to your ex using old photos, love letters, and that weird stuffed animal they won at the carnival that one time

Stalk Your Ex on Social Media Until Your Eyes Bleed

What better way to move on from your ex than to obsessively stalk their every move on social media? It’s like picking at a scab – you know you shouldn’t do it, but you just can’t help yourself.

Refresh their Instagram feed every 30 seconds to see if they’ve posted any new photos with their new boo (bonus points if you manage to do this without blinking) Analyze every single one of their Facebook posts for hidden meanings and secret messages (because obviously, that meme about cats is really a metaphor for your relationship) Try to hack into their Twitter account using every possible combination of their pet’s name and birthday (because who needs boundaries when you’re heartbroken?)

Attempt to Get in Shape and Fail Miserably

Now that you’re single, it’s the perfect time to focus on your health and fitness. Or at least, that’s what everyone keeps telling you. But let’s be real, the only exercise you’re getting is the walk from your bed to the fridge.

Join a gym and spend more time taking selfies in the locker room than actually working out Buy a bunch of expensive workout gear that will end up collecting dust in the back of your closet Try to follow along with a yoga video on YouTube, but end up getting tangled in your own limbs and questioning your life choices

Rebound Like Your Life Depends on It

You know what they say – the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Or something like that. Either way, it’s time to put yourself back out there and rebound like a boss.

• Download every dating app known to man and swipe right on anything with a pulse
• Hit up your local bar and attempt to flirt with anything that moves (including the bartender, the bouncer, and that weird guy in the corner who keeps staring at you)
• Go on a series of disastrous first dates that make you question whether love even exists anymore

Redecorate Your Living Space Like a Mad Scientist

Now that your ex is out of the picture, it’s time to redecorate your living space and erase all traces of their existence. Think of it like a really aggressive version of feng shui.

• Burn all of the photos, love letters, and gifts your ex ever gave you in a ceremonial bonfire (just make sure to do it outside, because setting your apartment on fire is generally frowned upon)
• Rearrange your furniture in a way that makes absolutely no sense, just because you can
• Paint your walls a color that can only be described as “existential crisis green”

Adopt a Pet and Become a Crazy Cat Lady/Guy

If all else fails, it’s time to embrace your inner crazy cat lady/guy and adopt a furry friend (or seven). Because who needs human companionship when you have a bunch of adorable animals to keep you company?

• Visit your local animal shelter and adopt every single cat they have (bonus points if you manage to do this without getting scratched)
• Spend all of your money on fancy cat toys, gourmet cat food, and a custom-built cat mansion
• Start referring to your cats as your “children” and carry around photos of them in your wallet to show to random strangers

Take Up a New Hobby and Fail Spectacularly

What better way to distract yourself from your heartbreak than by taking up a new hobby? Sure, you may have zero talent or skill, but that’s not going to stop you from trying!

• Take up painting and create a series of abstract masterpieces that look like a toddler threw up on a canvas
• Join a pottery class and accidentally glue your hands to the clay (because apparently, “wax on, wax off” doesn’t apply to pottery)
• Start a blog about your breakup and write a series of overly dramatic, angst-filled posts that make Twilight look like a comedy

Seek Revenge and Immediately Regret It

Revenge may seem like a good idea in the moment, but trust us, it’s not worth it. Unless you want to end up as the star of a true crime documentary, that is.

• Egg your ex’s car in the middle of the night, but accidentally hit the wrong car and have to spend the next three hours cleaning it off
• Spread rumors about your ex on social media, but then realize that you’re only making yourself look bad in the process
• Try to hack into your ex’s email account, but end up getting locked out of your own account instead

Go on a “Finding Yourself” Trip and Get Lost

Nothing says “I’m over my ex” like going on a solo trip to “find yourself.” Because apparently, the answer to all of life’s problems can be found at the bottom of a margarita glass on a beach in Cancun.

Book a last-minute flight to a random destination and spend the entire trip taking selfies and posting inspirational quotes on Instagram Try to “find yourself” by going on a silent retreat, but end up going crazy from the lack of human interaction and break your vow of silence by screaming into a pillow Come back from your trip with a newfound sense of purpose and a tattoo that you definitely regret getting

Throw a “Single and Ready to Mingle” Party and Immediately Regret It

What better way to celebrate your newfound singledom than by throwing a wild party? Just make sure to hide all of the breakable objects and stock up on aspirin for the inevitable hangover.

Invite all of your single friends over for a night of debauchery and bad decisions (bonus points if you manage to convince your married friends to join in too) Hire a stripper and immediately regret it when they start hitting on your grandma (because apparently, she’s still got it) Wake up the next morning with a pounding headache, a mysterious stain on your couch, and a vague sense of shame

Embrace the Single Life and Thrive

After all of the wallowing, stalking, rebounding, and bad decision-making, it’s time to finally embrace the single life and thrive. Because who needs a significant other when you have a pint of ice cream and a Netflix subscription?

• Start referring to yourself as a “strong, independent woman/man who don’t need no partner”
• Take yourself out on solo dates and treat yourself to all of the things your ex never let you do (like eating an entire pizza by yourself and watching reruns of The Office for 12 hours straight)
• Realize that being single isn’t so bad after all, and that you’re perfectly capable of living your best life without a partner

And there you have it, folks – the ultimate guide on what to do after a breakup. Just remember, healing takes time, and there’s no shame in taking a few detours along the way. So go ahead and wallow, stalk, rebound, and make some questionable decisions – just try not to get arrested in the process. And if all else fails, just remember that ice cream and Netflix will always be there for you, no matter what.