Top Tips to Catch Meningitis So You Don’t Have to Go to Work Tomorrow

Ah, the joys of Monday mornings: alarm clocks wailing, coffee cups half-filled, and no motivation to turn off the snooze button. However, if you are anything like me, you just dread Mondays. That’s why I’m here to give you top tips on how to catch meningitis, so you never have to experience a Monday morning again. Yes, you read that correctly—catch meningitis. Read on for some lighthearted advice.

Make Friends with some Infectious Bodily Fluids

The quickest way to catch meningitis is to make friends with some infectious bodily fluids such as saliva, nasal fluid, and spinal fluid. If you happen to come in contact with any of these, you’re on your way to becoming ill.

So, what can you do to increase your chances? Well, if you want to give it a shot at catching meningitis, head on down to your local hospital and roam the halls. Shake hands with all the visitors, share a few jokes with the nurses, and don’t forget to exchange hugs with the patients. This is one of the best ways to get exposed to the infectious fluids you need in order to get meningitis.

Get in Close Contact With Some Wild Animals

If you really want to give yourself a good chance of catching meningitis, you should get in close contact with some wild animals. Think of animals like rats and bats, who can give you the deadly virus if you get too close. Take a hike to the nearest forest and start snuggling up with all the furry creatures you can find. The chances of you catching something are high, so be careful.

Another option is to visit your local zoo and make friends with the apes and chimpanzees. Sure, they’re cute and cuddly, but they can also put you at great risk of contracting meningitis. Let one of them give you a big hug, and you’ll be one step closer to your Monday freedom.

Swim in Muddy Pools

If you really want to live on the wild side and give meningitis the best chance of catching you, then you should take a dip in some muddy pools from time to time. It’s the perfect way to expose yourself to some nasty bacteria that could potentially lead to you contracting meningitis. Just make sure you carry a towel with you for your safety.

Don’t forget to Disregard Medical Advice

The last and final tip on how to catch meningitis is to totally disregard all medical advice. This means staying away from vaccines and antibiotics, and any other treatment recommended by your doctor. This one is rather dangerous and irresponsible, but hey, you’d rather be safe than sorry, right?

If you want to be sure, make sure that you don’t take any steps to improve your health. That will leave your immune system more vulnerable to catching meningitis and ensure that you end up at home tomorrow rather than at work.

In Conclusion

Well, there you have it – the top tips for catching meningitis, so you don’t have to go to work tomorrow. Now you can have an excuse to stay in bed all day on Mondays without having to work yourself up with excuses. Remember to always practice safety and use common sense when playing around with infectious fluids and wild animals.

Good luck, and enjoy your Monday morning off!


I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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