The Pros and Cons of Dating a Wizard

So you’ve caught the eye of a dashing wizard and are considering taking your relationship to the next level. Congratulations! Dating a magic-wielder can be an exciting, otherworldly experience. However, before you fully commit, it’s important to carefully weigh the wand-waving pros against the potion-brewing cons. As someone who once got entangled with an enchanter, allow me to spell out the ups and downs of romancing a wizard.

The Magic of It All Let’s start with the obvious – dating a wizard is just undeniably cool. Imagine the look on your friends’ faces when you casually mention that your dinner plans involve a dragon ride to an ancient castle where your wizard beau will whip up a feast using nothing but magical incantations and some newt eyeballs. Or picture the Instagram-worthy shots you’ll snap flitting from cloud to cloud while quaffing elven champagne. There’s no denying the wow factor of an arcane amour. Other magical perks include:

• Always having perfect weather for picnics, thanks to your wizard’s weather modification charms
• VIP access to fantastic beasts and where to find them (just watch out for the Blast-Ended Skrewts)
• A partner who can literally charm the pants off you
• Never having to drive in traffic again when you can just apparate across town
• Receiving heartfelt, handwritten love letters… delivered by owl post

Of course, it’s not all giggle potions and unlimited refills on the bottomless handbag. The wizarding life comes with its share of cursed caveats too…

Dealing with Dark Arts Drama Sure, magic is might – but it can also be a mighty pain in the butt, especially when your wizard has a checkered past full of dark arts dabbling. Maybe your magical mate used to run with the wrong robe-wearing crowd back in the day and now some scorned warlock is hellbent on revenge. Suddenly you’re spending date night hiding out under invisibility cloaks while dodging death curses.

Or perhaps your sweetheart is a recovering dark arts addict, wrestling with the temptation to return to their wicked ways. You might find yourself playing life coach, therapist and parole officer all in one as you try to keep them on the straight and narrow path. Ask yourself:

• Am I okay constantly watching my back for evil nemeses and cursed objects?
• Do I have the patience to be a supportive partner to someone struggling with dark urges?
• Will I ever feel fully comfortable knowing my significant other can kill me with two words if they get ticked off enough?

Dirty little secrets from a wizard’s sordid past have a way of rearing their warty heads at the most inconvenient times. You’ll need to decide if battling theirinner demons is a quest you’re willing to embark on together.

Family Festivities and Feuds Another factor to consider is how well you’ll mesh with your magic mate’s kith and kin. Wizarding families can be an eccentric and intimidating bunch with their own peculiar customs and time-honored traditions that may seem downright batty to a non-magical muggle such as yourself.

For example, a typical holiday gathering with wizard in-laws might involve:

• Helping Grandwizard Archibald hang up the giant Christmas spider webs while the whole family watches to make sure you don’t sneeze, lest the bad luck annihilate the family line
• Being subjected to great aunt Eunice’s detailed recounting of her 112 ex-boyfriends and how she transfigured them all into toads
• Drinking a mysterious “festive punch” that causes you to burp up actual reindeer for the rest of the night
• Wearing a hideous homemade sweater that tries to strangle you every time someone says the word “fruitcake”
• Getting your mind read by legilimens relatives who then blab all your most embarrassing thoughts to the entire clan

Family feuds among wizarding folk can get downright deadly, with duels and unforgivable curses being slung over the pumpkin pie. As a muggle, it’s unlikely you’ll know the counter-curses to defend against Cousin Draco’s bat bogey hex or Auntie Bellatrix’s infamously brutal Cruciatus curse when they get triggered because you used the wrong fork for the devil’s snare salad.

Make sure you know what you’re getting into with your wizard’s family before you commit. Are they more of a lovably kooky Weasley clan or a dreadfully dour Malfoy dynasty? Discuss expectations around family gatherings early on, and come up with an escape plan for when the cauldrons start bubbling a bit too intensely.

Muggle Microaggressions Even if your wizard doesn’t have a dark past or demented family, there are still challenges that come with being the non-magical member of a mixed muggle-magic relationship. Many wizards, while well-meaning, have some biases and blind spots when it comes to muggle culture. Some examples:

• Your honey badger patronus isn’t as cool as a stag or phoenix. Plus you can’t even conjure one properly without wizard blood!
• Eye-rolling and wand-splaining whenever you try to do something “the muggle way” like wash dishes by hand or look something up on Wikipedia instead of consulting an ancient grimoire bound in human skin.
• Snide comments like “Oh I always forget you can’t apparate! Must be such a drag having to walk everywhere like a caveman.”
• Getting dragged along to Quidditch matches when you’d rather eat nails than watch a five hour broom-based sportsball snoozefest. But it’s a wizard pastime you’re expected to embrace.
• Being voluntold for “muggle ambassador” tasks like hooking up your wizard’s new scrying mirror to WiFi or showing their 800 year old Nan how to use an iPhone. You’re just expected to understand all this weird muggle techno-voodoo.
• Never getting to pick the Netflix selections because your partner just wants to watch The Wizard of Oz on repeat to mercilessly mock the inaccuracies. Yes we get it, the ruby slippers aren’t actually a real magical artifact!

Dating a wizard means constantly feeling like you’re either a quaint curiosity or a bumbling second class citizen in the magical realm. You’ll need a healthy dose of self-confidence and a willingness to fling a few creative curses of your own now and then to hold your own with the hocus pocus crowd.

Wizards Are from Mars, Muggles Are from Venus Even setting aside the magical microaggressions, wizards and muggles sometimes feel like they’re from two different worlds. This can lead to misunderstandings and frustrations as you navigate your cultural differences. Some areas where you may find your wizard relationship hitting an invisible brick wall:

Communication Styles:

• Wizards tend to be quite secretive and may keep you at a wand’s length as a muggle, only revealing what they deem safe or necessary.
• They communicate via floopowder face to face or by owls, so good luck getting a prompt text back like a normal 21st century human.
• Instead of talking through issues directly, your wizard may passive-aggressively enchant the dishes to rearrange themselves into angry messages like “Wash me yourself, you patronizing squib!”
• Terms of endearment will include baffling wizardisms like “U R MY HORCRUX” or “SPEW 4EVER” – their version of muggle sexting.

Conflict Resolution:

• When you piss off a wizard, you risk getting your tongue hexed into a sardine can or your eyeballs enchanted to always see everything upside down.
• They may disapparate mid-argument to go pout in their ultra-secretive wizard clubhouse you’re not invited to. So no chance to resolve things.
• Expert gaslighters who will literally obliviate your memory to erase evidence of their wrongdoing or use legilimency to twist your thoughts.
• Because they feel superior to muggle law enforcement, good luck getting wizarding authorities to take your complaints seriously when they’re up to no good.

Daily Activities:

• When your wizard cancels plans last minute because “the skrewts got loose,” you won’t know if that’s code for another witch on the side or if they literally have magical vermin issues.
• Due to the muggles can never know mandate, you’ll have to pass on couples activities like sorcery square dancing or unicorn trekking.
• They may object to your “weird” muggle hobbies like escape rooms, karaoke or trying out new restaurants, leaving you with few compatible activities to bond over.
• Their idea of a fancy date night involves getting splinched together while apparating to Pigfarts on Mars. Because nothing says romance like an accidental double amputation!

Moral Outlook:

• Many wizards suffer from a superiority complex that borders on eugenics with their pureblood rhetoric and disdain for all things muggle.
• They may scoff at your pesky muggle fixation on silly concepts like ethics, democracy, or not using magic to oppress the non-magical. So amoral!
• Wizard politics are rife with corruption and conspiracy theories that make QAnon blush. But if you express alarm over a blood quill maiming students, you’re just an ignorant muggle who doesn’t understand the greater good.
• They’re comfortable with house elf slave labor, centaur oppression, and banking with a literal goblin monopoly. What could possibly go wrong with an economy entirely based on leprechaun gold!?

The wizarding world can be so out of touch and backwards in many ways, a muggle progressive may find themselves constantly biting their tongue or getting into heated debates about basic human decency, even with a well-intentioned wizard partner. Getting on the same page with your worldviews and values is crucial for relationship harmony.

So…Is It Worth It? With so many obstacles to navigate in a muggle-magic match, you may be wondering – is love really all you need to make it through? As someone who’s been around the Quidditch pitch when it comes to wizard dating, here’s my take:

If you’re with a wizard who truly sees you as an equal despite your woeful lack of magic, respects your muggle-tastic ways, and is willing to put in the work to bridge the cultural gaps, then it can be an enchanting adventure full of spark and sorcery (and I don’t just mean in the bedroom). The key is to find a wizard with high Emotional Intelligence (EQ) to balance out that high Magical Quotient (MQ).

Of course no relationship is perfect, and there may be times you long for the simple days of dating a basic muggle who didn’t make you check your pumpkin juice for gluten with a sneakoscope. But overall, if you’ve met a wizard who makes you feel as effervescent as Felix Felicis and as comforted as a hug from Molly Weasley, then it’s worth giving that magic carpet ride a chance.

But if you find yourself perpetually playing the clumsy comic relief character in someone else’s hero story, or feeling more squib than special, then it may be time to summon the Knight Bus to GTFO. There are plenty more warlocks in the wizarding world! The most important thing is to know your worth, communicate your needs, and never settle for a wizard who treats you as lesser than, no matter how big their wand or shiny their Nimbus 2000.

Happy witch-hunting, my fellow muggles! And remember – not all those who wander (into the wizarding world) are lost. Sometimes we find exactly the magic we need, even if it comes with a few disarming quirks. Mischief managed!