The Best Budget Bourbons

Ah, bourbon. The nectar of the gods, the liquid gold that flows through the veins of every true American patriot. But let’s face it, not all of us have the cash to splash on those fancy-schmancy top-shelf bottles. Fear not, my fellow penny-pinching whiskey enthusiasts! I’ve embarked on a perilous journey through the depths of the liquor store to bring you the ultimate guide to the best budget bourbons that won’t break the bank or your taste buds.

The Criteria for Cheapness

Before we dive headfirst into this boozy adventure, let’s establish some ground rules. When I say “budget,” I mean bourbons that won’t require you to sell a kidney or take out a second mortgage. We’re talking about the bottom-shelf beauties, the hidden gems that lurk in the shadows of their more expensive counterparts. Our criteria for cheapness are simple:

• Under $20 per bottle
• Available at most liquor stores (even the sketchy ones)
• Won’t make you go blind (probably)

With that out of the way, let’s get this party started!

Old Grandad: The Granddaddy of Budget Bourbons

First up on our list is Old Grandad, the bourbon that’s been around since the dawn of time (or at least since Prohibition ended). This 80-proof marvel is the perfect choice for those who want to channel their inner old-timey prospector without spending a fortune on authentic 19th-century hooch.

What does it taste like, you ask? Imagine a campfire in your mouth, with hints of caramel, vanilla, and regret. It’s like drinking liquid nostalgia, if nostalgia tasted like a boot dipped in maple syrup. But hey, at around $15 a bottle, you can’t complain. Plus, the label features a dapper gentleman who looks like he’s seen some things, so you know it’s legit.

Very Old Barton: The Not-So-Very-Old Budget Bourbon

Next up, we have Very Old Barton, a bourbon that’s not quite as old as it claims to be. But who cares about age when you’ve got a 100-proof kick in the teeth? This Kentucky straight bourbon is the perfect choice for those who want to get their money’s worth in terms of alcohol content.

Tasting notes? Think of it as a spicy, oaky slap in the face, with a hint of sweetness that’ll make you wonder if you’re drinking bourbon or licking a maple tree. It’s like a bar fight in a bottle, but in a good way. And at around $14 for a 750ml bottle, you can afford to get into a few bar fights yourself.

Evan Williams Black Label: The Bourbon That’s Blacker Than Your Soul

If you’re looking for a bourbon that’s as dark as your sense of humor, look no further than Evan Williams Black Label. This 86-proof bad boy is the perfect choice for those who like their whiskey with a side of existential dread.

What does it taste like? Imagine a leather-bound book filled with the tears of a thousand angels, mixed with a hint of vanilla and caramel. It’s like drinking a liquefied version of Johnny Cash’s wardrobe, but without the accompanying musical talent. And at around $12 a bottle, you can afford to drown your sorrows in style.

Ancient Age: The Bourbon That’s Older Than Dirt

Don’t let the name fool you – Ancient Age is neither ancient nor aged. But what it lacks in accuracy, it makes up for in affordability and tastiness. This 80-proof bourbon is the perfect choice for those who want to pretend they’re drinking something fancy without actually being fancy.

Tasting notes? Think of it as a sweet, smooth, and slightly nutty experience, like a liquid version of your grandma’s pecan pie (if your grandma was a heavy drinker). It’s the kind of bourbon that makes you want to put on a monocle and talk about the “good old days,” even if you weren’t alive for them. And at around $11 a bottle, you can afford to buy a monocle to go with it.

Rebel Yell: The Bourbon That’s As Rebellious As Your Teenage Years

Last but not least, we have Rebel Yell, the bourbon that’s as rebellious as its name suggests. This 80-proof whiskey is the perfect choice for those who want to stick it to the man (or at least to their taste buds).

What does it taste like? Imagine a honey-coated baseball bat wrapped in a leather jacket, with a hint of cinnamon and bad decisions. It’s like drinking the essence of James Dean, if James Dean was a bourbon (and who’s to say he wasn’t?). And at around $13 a bottle, you can afford to be a rebel without a trust fund.

Honorable Mentions

Of course, there are plenty of other budget bourbons out there that deserve a shout-out. Here are a few honorable mentions:

• Jim Beam White Label: The bourbon that’s as reliable as your old pickup truck (and tastes about the same).
• Heaven Hill Green Label: The bourbon that’s as green as your envy of those who can afford top-shelf whiskey.
• Kentucky Tavern: The bourbon that’s as tavern-y as your local dive bar (and just as cheap).

Conclusion

There you have it, folks – the ultimate guide to the best budget bourbons that won’t make your wallet cry. Remember, just because a bourbon is cheap doesn’t mean it’s not delicious (or at least drinkable). So next time you’re at the liquor store, skip the fancy-pants bottles and head straight for the bottom shelf. Your taste buds (and your bank account) will thank you.

And if anyone tries to judge you for drinking cheap bourbon, just tell them you’re doing it for the sake of comedy. Because let’s face it – there’s nothing funnier than a drunk person trying to justify their life choices. Cheers!