How to Win an Argument with the Voices in Your Head

Look, we’ve all been there. You’re minding your own business, maybe brushing your teeth or trying to read the newspaper, when suddenly the voices in your head start piping up again. And of course, they’ve got to disagree with every little thing you think or do. Ugh, the nerve of those jerks!

Well, I’m here to tell you that enough is enough. It’s time to take a stand against the tiny, opinionated squatters in your brain. With the right tactics, you can shut those voices down and emerge victorious in the battle for your own sanity. Just follow my hard-earned tips and you’ll be the reigning champion of the mental arena in no time.

Step 1: Identify Your Opponents

The first step to winning any war is to scout out the enemy forces. You need to figure out exactly who (or what) you’re up against inside that head of yours. Are there multiples voices all yammering at once? Is there a single Voice of Reason trying to harsh your vibes? Or maybe it’s just one really passive-aggressive internal critic picking apart your every move?

Whatever form your vocal adversaries take, give them all silly names or personifications. That way it’s easier to privately mock them when they get too annoying. Some examples:

• Theacerbic aunt who constantly tsk-tsks your life choices
• A whiny, high-pitched floyd telling you you’re dumb
• The self-righteous environmentalist shaming you for using plastic straws
• The depressive goth kid who thinks everything is futile and meaningless

Once you’ve established your opponents’ deal, you can start tactically conspiring against them. Which brings us to…

Step 2: Drown Them Out

Sometimes the most effective defense is a good loud offense. If the voices are getting too overwhelming, you need to fight sonic warfare with sonic warfare. That’s right, it’s time to crank up the volume and pound those punks into submission with the sheer power of sound.

Here are some proven voice-smothering techniques:

• Blast heavy metal or dubstep directly into your skull at top levels
• Sing cheesy pop songs from the 90s at maximum lung capacity
• Start beatboxing erratically and arrhythmically
• Make high-pitched whooping noises like a teletubby on ecstasy

The important thing is that whatever you pipe into your brain is as obnoxious and completely overwhelming as possible. With a dense enough wall of pure auditory chaos, those pesky internal hecklers will be rendered powerless. They’ll either shut up or start wildly banging on the inside of your skull trying to get out. Either way, you win!

Step 3: Negotiate Reasonably

Okay, so maybe brute force isn’t really your style. No problem, we can take a more diplomatic approach too. After all, a little compromise and tact can go a long way – even when you’re dealing with the cranky residents of your own mind.

The key is to start an open dialogue with the voices and find some common ground. Ask them in a calm, rational manner what specifically is bugging them this time. Then empathize with their position to a point, but also be firm in your own stance. A conversation could go something like this:

You: All right, let’s talk this through like adults. What seems to be the issue?

The Voices: Are you really going to eat that whole pint of ice cream? That’s so unhealthy and you’re going to feel like crap later. You’re just fear-eating again because of your crushing adult responsibilities.

You: I hear what you’re saying, and you make a fair point that maybe I shouldn’t binge mindlessly. But we all need little indulgences sometimes to stay sane. And this happens to be a rare night when I have no other plans or deadlines. So if I want to veg out and decompress over some fro-yo, that’s okay.

The Voices: …fair enough, pig out if you must. But don’t come crying to us with a stomachache later!

You: I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it, but for now – peace and quiet please. Let a girl live a little, yeah?

See? With some polite back-and-forth, you can typically reach a reasonable détente, at least for the time being. The voices get acknowledgment and you establish some boundaries. Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.

If all else fails though, bring out the big guns with…

Step 4: Threats of Violence

Look, I’ll level with you here – there are times when words and sounds alone won’t cut it against the voices. Sometimes those little punks get so out of line that you need to let them know you’re not freaking around anymore. It’s time to threaten extreme, brutal, and frankly illegal revenge.

Here are a few possibilities to berrate them with:

• “If you don’t shut your pie holes, I’m going to take a Brillopad and start scrubbing away at my brain matter until you’re ALL GONE, you hear me??”
• “One more peep and I’ll drink a gallon of psychotropics all at once until I fry every last nauseating circuit containing you ingrates!”
• “Keep running those foul word-holes and I’ll take one of those power drill things from the hardware store and open up a friggin’ hole right in my skull to let you out for good!”
• “You want to keep whispering nasty thoughts into my mind? I’ll grab some jumper cables and a car battery and jump-start my freakin’ neurons into oblivion! How’d you like that??”

Now, to be perfectly clear – you should NEVER actually attempt any of those proposed acts of cranial self-destruction. I am not at all endorsing legitimate self-harm here. Besides being wildly unsafe, following through would almost certainly get you institutionalized before you could enjoy your voice-free existence.

No, these are purely empty threats, nuclear options if you will, to be deployed against the voices only as an absolute last resort. Hopefully, the minatory imagery alone will be enough to give them pause and reconsider pestering you…at least for a little while.

But maybe the most effective tactic of all is to…

Step 5: Call Their Bluff

Upon closer examination, these inner monologues chugging away in our brains tend to be all bark and hardly any bite. I mean, what real power do they actually have over you, other than to be sporadically annoying?

That’s why sometimes it’s best to just stop cowering before their scolding tones, verbal abuse, and unsolicited criticisms. Stand up for yourself and just start calling the voices on their BS whenever it crops up. A few possible responses:

The Voices: Ugh, can you be any more awkward and lame? Quit rambling on again with your dumb jokes – no one is ever impressed.

You: Or what? What are you sad sacks going to do about it exactly? Keep piping up with incidental peanut-gallery commentary that I can easily ignore or mute at will? Ooh, no, please don’t be mean to me anymore – said no one ever feeling threatened by imaginary voices.

The Voices: You’re a hopeless slob and human being. Just look at how you’ve let your place go and all those personal projects left unfinished. Why even try when you always ultimately fail?

You: Blah blah, same sad instrumental you downers play on repeat loop. I’ve tuned out plenty of real-world critics with more agency than you jabroni dirt-whistlers. So please, keep berating me with uninvited put-downs if it makes you feel big and tough. I’ll be over here living my flawed, human life and barely registering your lame droplets of attempt shade.

The Voices: You know we aren’t real though, right? We’re literally just projections of your own messed-up psyche nagging at itself. How’s that for a mind job?

You: Well no duh, you think I’m not hip to that game? I created you sad saps and can just as easily uncreate you with a purely rational reframing of my own mental state. I already won just by summoning the wherewithal to mock and disrespect you into irrelevance. So please, keep on keeping on – I’ll be laughing off your empty cries into the sweet abyss!

You see? By dismissing the voices as the impotent mental gnats they are, you neuter them of any substantive ability to rattle or demoralize you. They’re left as ineffectual as a StrexCorp manager trying to assertively suck out your soul. And the more you tune them out and press on calmly with your day, the more their nagging loses its sting.

At this stage, now you’re just blatantly ignoring them to their smug little faces. That allows you to fully concentrate on getting literal and proactive about…

Step 6: Getting Your Life Together

Because let’s be real – oftentimes, those little inner bastards are harping on about SOMETHING for a reason. It’s typically because we’re making twinges of self-destructive choices, falling short of our potential, or letting fears and doubts distract us from our goals and priorities. As obnoxious as they are, the chatter and second-guessing can at times be our psyche’s way of telling us something needs to change.

So instead of just quieting the voices without addressing the root of their existence, try taking control and making concrete improvements to your life. When you work on fixing the issues causing those voices to manifest, they often lose their meaning and power.

Some proactive steps to consider:

• Get your living situation decluttered and organized
• Pursue new hobbies/skills that excite and challenge you
• Commit to healthier lifestyle habits like exercise, meal-prepping, etc.
• Start checking off long-neglected tasks on your to-do list
• Seek therapy or counseling to deal with deeper mental hurdles

The idea is to become more resolute, self-possessed, and on top of your day-to-day existence. It’s amazing how much less the voices can rattle you when you’re not wallowing in a spiral of ambiguity and stagnation. No ammunition for their heckling when you’re clearly getting your sh!t together.

And finally, when all else fails to quiet those persistent interior monologues…

Step 7: Realize That Everyone Has Them

At the end of the day, tuning out disruptive inner voices can only go so far in one’s quest for mental solace. That’s because the simple fact is that everyone – yes, EVERYONE – has some form of an inner monologue keeping them company and criticizing their every move. It’s just part of the twisted rich-tapestry of human consciousness.

Hell, you could be one of the most centered, Type-A personas to ever roam the earth, yet still have the odd contradictory thought pop up to play loggerhead from time to time. (“Huh, why did I have a baseless urge to jaywalk across traffic just now? So weird!”) It’s natural to never be in perfect harmony with ourselves.

So instead of working yourself into a tizzy trying to fully extinguish the voices – since they’ll likely always be flickering away in some form – the healthier route may be to simply accept them as a nuisance that provides comedy more than hardship.

Think about it, aren’t the most ridiculous and outrageously negative internal musings the best? Like, we’d all be vastly more boring dimwits without some totally unhinged goblin screeching utter nonsense from our id once in a while.

“You call THAT using seasoning? Why even bother cooking if you’re just going to produce a flavorless, soul-dead pile of nourishment? You should just quit everything forever and lay motionless on the floor!”

“Bold move wearing socks with those sandals today, bruh! No one will ever respect your controversial choice in casual footwear.”

“Hold up, you’re really gonna make eye contact with the cashier as she’s giving you change? Just keep staring at her with those dead eyes until she cowers in existential horror.”

Like, how hilarious is that crap? Your brain is just a big ol’ novelty insult puppy generating a near-constant stream of absurd chiding. No wonder stand-up comics mine their internal could-voices for their best material.

So don’t fight the voices too hard, my friends. Savor their hijinks, rebut them with some colorful sass of your own, but don’t take them too seriously. They’ll never truly go away, but you can definitely convince them to mostly just be weird comedic asides to the real main event – living your weird, precious little life to the fullest.