So, you’ve met someone new and interesting online. The conversation has been great, you seem to have a lot in common, and you’re ready to meet up in person. But then, they causally mention their beloved collection of vintage dolls. Uh oh. You try to keep an open mind, but when they send you a photo, you can’t help but shudder a bit. Row after row of glassy eyes seem to bore into your soul. Those fixed, painted-on smiles suddenly seem more menacing than cheerful. What have you gotten yourself into?
Well, don’t panic and ghost them just yet! With the proper preparation and mindset, you can make it through this date without too much emotional scarring. Here’s a handy survival guide for a first date with someone who collects creepy dolls:
Know What You’re Getting Into
The first key to survival is arming yourself with knowledge. Do a bit of online recon to learn about your date’s specific doll collection. A few things to look into:
- What era are the dolls from? Victorian porcelain dolls will require a different survival strategy than 1980s Cabbage Patch Kids.
- Are they in pristine condition or showing some wear and tear? Mint condition dolls are unnerving enough – you don’t want to see the stuff of nightmares that is a time-ravaged doll.
- Does your date have names and backstories for the dolls? If so, memorize a few key facts to casually drop into conversation. “Wow, this must be Agatha, the schoolteacher wrongfully executed for witchcraft in the 1600s! I’ve heard so much about her.”
Choose the Right Outfit
You need an ensemble that says “I’m laid-back and down for whatever” while also subtly conveying “Please don’t murder me and turn me into a human doll.” Some tips:
- Avoid any loud patterns or colors that could potentially attract the dolls’ attention and provoke them.
- Skip dangly earrings or shiny jewelry. You don’t want a deranged doll mistaking them for her long-lost baubles.
- Pants and sensible shoes are a must in case you need to make a quick getaway.
Compliment the Collection
Look, your date is proud of those creepy dolls. If you spend the whole time visibly shuddering or crying, you probably won’t get asked out again. And that would be a shame, because behind all the unsettling figurines, your date seems pretty cool. So summon your acting skills and lay on the praise:
- “The way you’ve arranged them really highlights each doll’s unique bone structure!”
- “I love how you can see snippets of human souls flickering in some of their eyes. So special.”
- “Did you create all the tiny shackles and blood spatter yourself? You’re so talented!”
Flattery will get you everywhere. Especially into a second date NOT surrounded by dolls.
Ask Questions (But Not Too Many)
Show your date you’re interested in this important piece of their life by asking thoughtful questions about the collection. Just be careful not to pry too much, lest you accidentally stumble upon dark secrets not meant for mortal ears. Some question dos and don’ts:
- DO: “How did you first get into collecting dolls?”
- DON’T: “Have you noticed an increase in the whispering coming from the basement since expanding your collection?”
- DO: “What’s the most meaningful doll in your collection?”
- DON’T: “How many bodies are hidden in the crawlspace behind the doll room?”
Bring a Gift for the Dolls
Nothing will win you more points with your date than embracing their beloved collection. Pick up a small gift to demonstrate you care about their interests (and appeasing any vengeful doll spirits). Some crowd-pleasing ideas include:
- Doll-sized hats or hair bows
- A tiny ouija board for communicating beyond the veil
- Festive eye patches to cover up any unfortunate “empty socket” situations
Feel free to get creative, just avoid anything sharp that could later be used against you.
Keep the Conversation Away from the Dolls
There is such a thing as TOO much doll talk. Make sure to steer the conversation to non-haunted topics as well. A few light, breezy ideas:
- “If you had to fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck, which would you choose and why?”
- “What’s the most embarrassing childhood nickname you had?” (NOTE: If their answer is “Dolly,” abort mission immediately)
- “Who do you think would win in a cage match – Benjamin Franklin or Genghis Khan?”
The goal is to make your date laugh and see you as a fully-formed person, not just a potential skin suit for a doll.
Find Non-Doll Related Activities
If things are going well, your date may suggest moving on to another activity together. This is good! Probably! Some nice date options to counter the doll of it all:
- Mini golf
- Bowling
- Literally anything outdoors in the sunshine
Suggesting something lighthearted will help end things on a high note. Might want to avoid the local wax museum though. Too risky.
Have an Exit Strategy
Sometimes even the best laid plans go awry. If you reach a point in the date where you feel your physical or mental safety is at risk, it’s time to tap out. Some warning signs that it’s time to bail:
- Your date refers to the dolls as their “children”
- More than three dolls have inexplicably changed positions when you weren’t looking
- The tears of a doll have mysteriously appeared on your shirt sleeve
Here’s where that trusted friend who you’ve kept informed of your whereabouts all night will come in handy. Have them call you with an “emergency” that requires your immediate assistance. Or if subtlety isn’t an option, yell “Oh no, what’s that over there?!”, point behind your date, then hightail it out the door while they’re distracted. No, it’s not the most mature exit. But this is survival we’re talking about.
Bring Backup
If all else fails, you may need to bring in reinforcements. See if you can rope a friend into crashing the date about halfway through. Maybe they “coincidentally” show up at the same restaurant. Or they urgently need to borrow your, uh, vacuum cleaner. Right now. For reasons.
Just knowing you have a lifeline can go a long way towards keeping you calm and relaxed on the date. And if they’re a really good friend, maybe they’ll even offer to take a creepy doll home as a souvenir. You never know when you might need to regift it.
Don’t Rule Out a Second Date
Okay, so the first date was a bit of a spooky challenge. But don’t let the dolls scare you off entirely. Your date is clearly far more than their admittedly unnerving collection. And they probably have plenty of other interesting quirks you’ve yet to uncover. If you felt a spark, give it another chance. Just maybe suggest a non doll-centric activity for date #2. Axe throwing could be fun?
And who knows, maybe you’ll grow to tolerate, or even love, the little plastic hellions in time. Stockholm syndrome is a powerful thing. (But if your date starts referring to you as their “new favorite doll”, RUN.)
But Above All, Remember… It’s Just One Date
No matter how it pans out, it’s a few hours of your life. An evening likely to become a funny story to share with friends, an amusing memory to look back on years from now. You’re being open-minded and taking a chance – that’s what the dating world is all about. Even if your date ends up rocking you to sleep in a giant baby crib while cooing a haunting lullaby, you’ll still wake up in the morning and move on with your regularly scheduled, non-doll infested existence.
So go forth and conquer this date! And if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll get to add “narrowly escaped a voodoo doll tea party” to your relationship resume. Your friends are sure to be impressed.
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