How to Ruin Your Love Life in 5 Easy Steps with Online Dating

Congratulations, weary internet traveler! You’ve stumbled upon the ultimate guide to destroying your love life with online dating. Don’t worry, we’ve got your back. Follow these five simple steps, and you’ll be single and miserable in no time.

A Profile for Disaster

First things first, let’s create a profile that will send potential love interests fleeing in terror. We’re going for maximum repulsion here, so be sure to choose the least flattering photo you can find. That one of you with the double chin and the spinach in your teeth? Perfection.

Now that we have the visual aspect covered, let’s dive into your self-description. Remember, honesty is for chumps. Instead, fill your bio with outrageous lies and elaborate fantasies. Did you know you’re an astronaut by day, and a world-renowned DJ by night? You do now!

The Art of Terrible Conversations

You’ve got the profile to scare them away, but let’s not underestimate the importance of terrible communication skills. When you’re messaging your potential romantic victims, remember to be as uninteresting as possible.

Talk exclusively about yourself, and never ask questions about the other person. For bonus points, sprinkle in some typos, and maybe even make up words that don’t exist. People love it when they have to decipher your messages like they’re solving a riddle.

Scheduling the Date That Never Happens

So, you’ve managed to bamboozle someone into agreeing to a date. Well done! Now comes the fun part: making sure that date never actually happens.

Be as vague as possible when discussing potential plans. “I dunno, maybe we could hang out sometime?” is a great go-to. If they try to nail down specifics, say you’re “pretty flexible” but never commit to an actual time or place. They’ll love the uncertainty and mystery, trust us.

The Last-Minute Bailout

If, against all odds, you find yourself with a date scheduled, don’t worry, there’s still time to tank it. The key is to wait until the last possible moment to cancel, ensuring maximum disappointment and annoyance.

Feel free to get creative with your excuses. Perhaps you’ve suddenly come down with a rare and contagious illness, or your pet iguana has escaped and is wreaking havoc on the neighborhood. The more absurd, the better.

Ignoring, Ghosting, and the Art of the Slow Fade

If, by some cruel twist of fate, you end up on an actual date, fear not! There’s still hope for your love life’s demise. The key is to master the trifecta of terrible behavior: ignoring, ghosting, and the slow fade.

First, ignore any follow-up messages from your date. Then, when they inevitably confront you, simply ghost them. Finally, if they still haven’t gotten the hint, employ the slow fade: reply with increasingly sparse and unenthusiastic messages until they finally give up.

And there you have it! With these five foolproof steps, your love life will be in tatters, and you’ll be well on your way to a lifetime of solitude and misery. So go forth, and wreak havoc on the world of online dating. You’ve earned it.