How to not cry while cutting onions

Ah, the age-old struggle of the home cook: how to chop an onion without turning into a blubbering mess. It’s a problem that has plagued humanity for centuries, leaving countless cooks with stinging eyes, runny noses, and the overwhelming urge to curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably. But fear not, my dear readers, for I have scoured the depths of culinary knowledge and unearthed the secrets to tear-free onion chopping. So put down the tissues, pick up your knives, and let’s get started on this journey to dry-eyed bliss.

The Science of Onion Tears

First things first, let’s talk about why onions make us cry in the first place. Is it because they’re just so darn beautiful that we can’t help but weep at their majesty? Or is it because they’re secretly evil masterminds, hell-bent on destroying our happiness one slice at a time?

As it turns out, the real reason is a bit more scientific than that. When you cut into an onion, you’re actually rupturing its cells and releasing a gas called syn-propanethial-S-oxide. This gas then wafts up into your eyes, where it reacts with the water in your tears to create sulfuric acid. And as we all know, sulfuric acid + eyeballs = a world of pain and misery.

But don’t worry, there are plenty of ways to combat this nefarious onion gas and keep your eyes dry and happy. Let’s take a look at some of the most popular methods.

The Goggles Method

One of the most foolproof ways to avoid onion tears is to simply create a barrier between your eyes and the offending vegetable. And what better way to do that than by donning a pair of stylish, yet functional, onion goggles?

• These special goggles are designed to fit snugly around your eyes, preventing any onion gas from sneaking in and causing chaos.
• They come in a variety of colors and styles, so you can look fashionable while you chop.
• Some even come with built-in ventilation systems, so you can breathe easy while you work.

There are a few downsides to the goggles method. For one, you may get some strange looks from your family and friends when they catch you rocking a pair of safety goggles in the kitchen. And if you wear glasses, you may have trouble finding a pair that fits comfortably over your existing eyewear.

But if you’re serious about onion chopping and don’t mind looking a bit like a mad scientist while you cook, then onion goggles may be the way to go.

The Freezer Trick

If you’re not quite ready to commit to a pair of onion goggles, then you may want to try the freezer trick instead. This method involves chilling your onions before you chop them, which can help to slow down the release of that pesky syn-propanethial-S-oxide gas.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Pop your onions in the freezer for about 15 minutes before you plan to chop them.
2. Once they’re nice and chilly, take them out and get to work.
3. The cold temperature will help to keep the onion gas at bay, giving you a bit more time to chop before the tears start to flow.

Now, this method isn’t foolproof. If you leave your onions in the freezer for too long, they may start to freeze and become difficult to chop. And if you have a particularly strong or pungent onion, even the freezer may not be enough to stop the onslaught of tears.

But if you’re in a pinch and don’t have any other tear-fighting tools at your disposal, the freezer trick can be a quick and easy way to get the job done.

The Water Method

Another popular method for avoiding onion tears is the water method. This involves chopping your onions underwater, which can help to dilute the syn-propanethial-S-oxide gas and keep it from reaching your eyes.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Fill a large bowl with cold water and submerge your onion.
2. Use a sharp knife to slice and dice the onion while it’s still underwater.
3. Once you’re finished chopping, strain the onion pieces and pat them dry with a paper towel.

This method can be a bit messy and time-consuming, but it’s surprisingly effective at keeping tears at bay. Plus, it has the added bonus of making you feel like a culinary magician, as you deftly chop your onions beneath the surface of the water.

There are a few things to keep in mind when using the water method. For one, you’ll need to make sure you have a large enough bowl to accommodate your onion and your hands. And you’ll want to use a sharp knife to avoid any slips or accidents while chopping underwater.

But if you don’t mind getting a bit wet and wild in the kitchen, the water method can be a fun and effective way to keep your eyes dry and your onions chopped.

The Gum Method

If you’re looking for a more hands-off approach to tear-free onion chopping, then you may want to try the gum method. This involves popping a piece of gum in your mouth before you start chopping, which can help to distract your senses and keep you from focusing on the onion fumes.

Here’s how it works:

• The act of chewing gum stimulates your salivary glands, which can help to keep your eyes moist and prevent tears from forming.
• The minty flavor of the gum can also help to mask the smell of the onions, making them less likely to trigger a crying fit.
• Plus, the rhythmic motion of chewing can be a soothing distraction from the task at hand, helping you to stay calm and focused while you chop.

This method is not without its drawbacks. For one, you may end up with a mouthful of onion-flavored gum if you’re not careful. And if you’re a particularly vigorous chewer, you may find that your jaw starts to ache after a few minutes of chomping.

But if you’re a gum enthusiast and don’t mind a bit of multitasking while you cook, then the gum method may be worth a try.

The Bread Method

If you’re a fan of carbs (and let’s be real, who isn’t?), then you may want to give the bread method a shot. This involves sticking a slice of bread in your mouth while you chop, which can help to absorb some of the onion fumes before they have a chance to reach your eyes.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Take a slice of bread and fold it in half.
2. Stick the folded bread in your mouth, with the fold facing outward.
3. Breathe through your mouth as you chop, allowing the bread to filter out the onion fumes.

This method may make you look a bit silly, but it’s surprisingly effective at keeping tears at bay. Plus, you get to snack on a piece of bread while you cook, which is always a win in my book.

There are a few things to keep in mind when using the bread method. For one, you’ll want to make sure you’re using a plain, white bread, as other types of bread may not be as effective at absorbing the onion fumes. And you’ll want to make sure you’re breathing through your mouth, not your nose, to get the full benefit of the bread filter.

But if you’re a bread lover and don’t mind looking a bit ridiculous in the kitchen, then the bread method may be the tear-free solution you’ve been searching for.

The Candle Method

If you’re feeling a bit more mystical, you may want to try the candle method. This involves lighting a candle near your cutting board, which can help to burn off some of the onion fumes before they have a chance to reach your eyes.

Here’s how to do it:

• Light a candle and place it near your cutting board, making sure it’s not too close to any flammable materials.
• As you chop, the heat from the candle will help to disperse the onion fumes and keep them from concentrating around your eyes.
• Plus, the flickering light of the candle can create a cozy, romantic atmosphere in your kitchen, perfect for a date night or a solo cooking session.

This method is not without its risks. You’ll want to make sure you’re using a sturdy, heatproof candle holder and keeping the candle a safe distance away from your cutting board. And if you have long hair or loose clothing, you’ll want to be extra careful to avoid any accidental fires.

But if you’re a fan of mood lighting and don’t mind a bit of pyrotechnics in the kitchen, then the candle method may be worth a try.

The Fan Method

If you’re looking for a more high-tech solution to your onion woes, then you may want to invest in a fan. This involves setting up a small, portable fan near your cutting board, which can help to blow the onion fumes away from your face as you chop.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Place a small, portable fan on your counter, facing away from your cutting board.
2. Turn the fan on to a low or medium setting, depending on the strength of your onion.
3. As you chop, the fan will help to disperse the onion fumes and keep them from lingering around your eyes.

This method is particularly useful if you have a small kitchen or limited counter space, as it doesn’t require any extra tools or equipment. Plus, the cool breeze from the fan can be a welcome relief on a hot day in the kitchen.

There are a few things to keep in mind when using the fan method. For one, you’ll want to make sure your fan is clean and free of dust or debris, as you don’t want to be blowing any extra particles into your eyes. And you’ll want to experiment with different fan speeds and placements to find the setup that works best for you.

But if you’re a fan of a good pun (sorry, couldn’t resist) and don’t mind a bit of extra noise in the kitchen, then the fan method may be the way to go.

The Sharper Than a Serpent’s Tooth Method

Okay, so this one may be a bit more extreme than the other methods on this list. But if you’re really serious about avoiding onion tears, then you may want to consider investing in a seriously sharp knife.

Here’s the deal:

• A dull knife can actually cause more damage to the onion cells, releasing more of that tear-inducing gas.
• A sharp knife, on the other hand, can slice through the onion cleanly and efficiently, minimizing the amount of gas that’s released.
• Plus, a sharp knife just makes cooking in general much more enjoyable and less frustrating.

There are a few downsides to this method. For one, a really sharp knife can be a bit intimidating (and dangerous) if you’re not used to using one. And investing in a high-quality, sharp knife can be a bit of a splurge, especially if you’re on a tight budget.

But if you’re willing to put in the time and effort to master your knife skills, and you don’t mind spending a bit of extra cash on a good blade, then the sharper than a serpent’s tooth method may be the ultimate solution to your onion woes.

The Onion Whisperer Method

If all else fails, you may want to try the onion whisperer method. This involves talking to your onions in a soothing, calming voice, convincing them to release their tear-inducing gases in a more gentle and controlled manner.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Hold your onion in your hand and look it straight in the eye (or the root end, if you prefer).
2. Speak to the onion in a low, comforting voice, telling it how much you appreciate its flavor and aroma.
3. As you chop, continue to murmur words of encouragement and praise to the onion, thanking it for its sacrifice and assuring it that it will be put to good use in your dish.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “This is ridiculous. Onions can’t understand English (or any other language, for that matter).” And you’re probably right. But hear me out.

Sometimes, the act of focusing your attention on something other than your own discomfort can be enough to distract you from the tears and the burning sensation in your eyes. And if talking to your onions helps you to stay calm and focused while you chop, then who’s to say it’s not a valid method?

Plus, think of the stories you’ll have to tell at your next dinner party. “Oh, you think you’re a good cook? Well, I once convinced an onion to stop making me cry just by sweet-talking it. Beat that, Martha Stewart.”

The Embrace the Tears Method

Okay, hear me out on this one. What if, instead of trying to avoid the tears, you just… let them flow?

I know, I know. It sounds counterintuitive. But stay with me.

• Crying is a natural, healthy response to the irritants in onions. It’s your body’s way of flushing out the syn-propanethial-S-oxide and protecting your eyes from damage.
• Plus, crying can be cathartic. It releases endorphins and other feel-good chemicals in your brain, leaving you feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.
• And let’s be real: there’s something kind of badass about chopping onions with tears streaming down your face, like a culinary warrior who’s not afraid to show their emotions.

This method is not for everyone. If you wear contact lenses or have sensitive eyes, you may want to stick with one of the other methods on this list. And if you’re cooking for a crowd, you may not want to risk ruining your carefully applied makeup or scaring your guests with your tear-stained face.

But if you’re cooking for yourself or a close friend, and you’re not afraid to let your emotions show, then the embrace the tears method may be worth a try. Just make sure you have a box of tissues handy and a good excuse for your puffy, red eyes when you’re done.

The Delegate the Chopping Method

Finally, if all else fails, there’s always the delegate the chopping method. This involves finding someone else to do the onion chopping for you, preferably someone who’s not as sensitive to the effects of syn-propanethial-S-oxide.

Here are a few options:

• Bribe your significant other or roommate with the promise of a delicious meal in exchange for their onion-chopping services.
• Hire a professional chef or sous chef to do your onion chopping for you. (Hey, if you can afford it, why not?)
• Train your dog or cat to chop onions for you. (Okay, maybe not the most practical solution, but imagine the YouTube views you’d get!)

This method is not without its drawbacks. For one, you’ll have to relinquish some control over your cooking process, which can be tough for some people. And if you’re relying on someone else to do your onion chopping, you may have to deal with some inconsistencies in size and shape (not to mention the occasional missing fingertip).

But if you’re really, truly, desperately averse to onion tears, and you don’t mind delegating some of your kitchen duties, then the delegate the chopping method may be the way to go.

In Conclusion

So there you have it, folks. Ten foolproof (okay, maybe not foolproof, but at least moderately effective) methods for avoiding onion tears in the kitchen.

Whether you choose to don a pair of stylish onion goggles, sweet-talk your onions into submission, or just let the tears flow like a culinary warrior, remember that the most important thing is to have fun and enjoy the process of cooking.

After all, a few tears in the kitchen are a small price to pay for the delicious, flavorful dishes that onions can help create. So go forth, my brave onion choppers, and may your eyes be dry and your taste buds be happy.

And if all else fails, just remember: there’s no shame in ordering takeout. Happy chopping!