How to Boil Water

Okay, let’s be real here. You’re an adult who can presumably dress themselves and make important life decisions. So why the heck are you Googling how to boil water? It’s one of the most basic tasks known to humankind!

But hey, I get it. We all have those brain fart moments where simple things seems confusing. Maybe you lived off pizza pockets and ramen in college and never actually learned essential life skills. Or maybe you’re just looking to be entertained by some snarky internet humor. Either way, I’m here to walk you through this super complex process step-by-step. Buckle up, folks!

Step 1: Get Your Supplies Ready

For this feat of culinary wizardry, you’ll need:

• A pot (You know, that hollow, handlery thing your mom yelled at you for banging on as a kid)
• Water (The wet stuff that’s 70% of your bodily makeup)
• A heat source (Stove, campfire, or just rubbing two sticks together really fast)

Try gathering all those incredibly obscure items without getting overwhelmed and giving up. I believe in you!

Step 2: Add the Water

Unscrew the mysterious lid from the pot. Carefully pour the water inside until it’s filled about halfway. I’ll pause here to let you re-read those complicated instructions a few times…Got it? Good.

Now, a couple of tips:

• Do NOT use any other liquids! No milk, orange juice, or yes, even that dusty bottle of vodka from your college days.
• Make sure to actually use water and not, say….bleach. That would be an ex-parrot level of mistakes.

Step 3: Embark on the Perilous Journey to the Heat Source

Lift the pot filled with water, ideally using the handles to avoid nuclear levels of burned fingertips. Inspect your path ahead, watching for household obstacles like Lego landmines or hungry pets seeking a refreshing drink.

Once you’ve made it to the heat source unscathed, gently place the pot down on the surface. Center it as perfectly as possible. Having it teetering on just the edge would be like starting your showdown with the laws of physics with one hand tied behind your back.

Step 4: Unleash the Power of Heat

Most stoves/heating elements will have some way to adjust the temperature – a knob, dial, or maybe just a book of matches. Turn that sucker up until you see or hear the telltale signs of heat generating.

• For gas stoves, you want to keep twisting until you hear a subtle “whoomp” of ignition
• With electric stoves, those crimson-hot coils are your goal
• If using a fireplace or bonfire, just look for the little orange-yellow guys doing their dance

Then set a timer for way longer than you’d expect. Like 3 hours. Watching water is more grueling than bingeing bass fishing shows on radio.

Step 5: Embrace Your Inner Hawk

They say a watched pot never boils, but science has yet to prove that theory. So plant yourself directly in front of the heating water and:

• Watch unblinkingly, unmoving like a predator hunting its prey
• Do not leave your vigil for any reason – no bathroom breaks, no answering the door for package thieves, nothing
• If you look away, the water might just evaporate through some cosmic loophole

You’ve got this! Staring at pots is a valuable life skill!

Step 6: Rejoice in Your Culinary Mastery!

• BUBBLES *

Did you see that!? The water is furiously boiling and you did it! Give yourself a pat on the back, or possibly a standing ovation. You took this difficult task head on and achieved perfection.

Conclusion

Look at you go, you newly-minted master of boiling water! I’m sure achieving such culinary heights has utterly exhausted you. So maybe take a little breather before trying the equally-challenging tutorial on How to Make a Sandwich. We’ve got to pace ourselves with these demanding life skills.