5 Things You Can Do Right Now to Make Your Uncle Stop Licking Your Furniture

So, your uncle has developed a peculiar taste for your furniture, and you’re desperate for a solution. Don’t worry; we’ve got you covered. Start by transforming your living space into a less lickable paradise. Swap out those plush couches for some rustic, uninviting burlap seating. This way, when your uncle arrives for a visit, he won’t be enticed by the smooth velvety textures that scream, “Please, lick me!” Burlap, on the other hand, is more likely to scream, “I dare you to try!”

Conduct an Undercover Flavor Investigation

Maybe your uncle isn’t licking your furniture just for the thrill of it; perhaps he’s genuinely enjoying the taste. As a curious and caring family member, it’s your job to find out what flavors might be hiding within your furniture. Incognito taste-testing is key here. We don’t want your uncle to catch wind of your covert mission. Once you’ve identified the flavor culprit, make it your mission to eliminate it from your home. Say goodbye to your lavender-scented candles and furniture polish if that’s what it takes!

Create a Lickable Distraction

Sometimes, the best way to stop someone from doing something is to give them a better alternative. In this case, we’re talking about a lickable distraction. Craft a delicious concoction of edible paint, and coat a decoy piece of furniture with it. This masterpiece will be a beacon of irresistible lickability for your uncle. Position it in a prominent spot so that it catches his eye and lures him away from your actual furniture. Remember, it’s all about misdirection, so be prepared to sacrifice that old coffee table for the greater good.

Stage an Intervention (But With Humor)

Confronting your uncle about his furniture-licking habit may be tough, but you can soften the blow with humor. Gather your family and prepare a tongue-in-cheek intervention, where each person shares a light-hearted, silly anecdote about how your uncle’s licking habit has affected them. You could mention that time your grandma nearly choked on her tea because she was laughing so hard at your uncle trying to tongue-wrestle a dining chair. Laughter might just be the medicine that cures his compulsion.

Develop a Secret Handshake

Sometimes, all a person needs is a little human connection to remind them that there are better things to do than lick furniture. Develop a secret handshake with your uncle, something that requires a little bit of dexterity and concentration. Every time he starts eyeing your ottoman like a tasty snack, initiate the handshake. It’ll serve as a gentle reminder that you’re there for him and that his tongue is better suited for other activities, like shaking hands with his favorite niece or nephew.

In Conclusion:

Dealing with a furniture-licking uncle might seem like an insurmountable challenge, but with a little creativity and humor, you can put an end to his bizarre habit. So go on, dive into these tactics and take back your home from the tyranny of your uncle’s relentless tongue. And who knows? Maybe one day you’ll all laugh about it around a table that’s blissfully free of saliva.


I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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