17 Things You Should Never Buy on eBay

eBay, the digital bazaar where the peculiar and the practical collide in an online shopping extravaganza. It’s a universe where your mouse click can either unearth a gem or lead to the latest addition to your “What was I thinking?” collection. Navigating this marketplace is like being a kid in a candy store, except some of the candies might just be a bit too bizarre for anyone’s taste.

Mystery Boxes: Unwrapping Disappointment

Mystery boxes on eBay are like playing the lottery, except your prize is more likely to be a puzzle with missing pieces than a jackpot. Remember that guy who bought a mystery box only to find a “treasure trove” of old batteries and a VHS tape of ’80s exercise routines? eBay’s mystery boxes are a reminder that the only mystery you’re solving is why you thought this was a good idea in the first place.

These boxes aren’t just a gamble; they’re a masterclass in the art of disappointment. Picture unwrapping a box filled with mismatched socks, expired coupons, and a CD of the world’s worst elevator music. It’s like eBay sellers are competing for the “Most Random Junk in a Box” award.

And let’s talk about the allure of these mystery deals. It’s like being drawn to a flashy ‘Sale’ sign only to find out the discount is on canned tuna… from 1997. There’s a fine line between hopeful curiosity and just plain being duped by the mystery box fad.

The lesson here? When it comes to mystery boxes, the real mystery is what you were thinking when you clicked ‘Buy Now’. Sure, there’s a chance you might score something cool, like a rare comic book or a vintage toy. But more often, you’re bidding on a box of the world’s loneliest garage sale rejects.

Used Toothbrushes: A Brush with Danger

Buying a used toothbrush on eBay is like entering a hygiene horror story where the boogeyman is plaque. It’s the kind of purchase that makes you wonder if the seller also offers slightly chewed gum. Picture this: a toothbrush, not just any toothbrush, but one that’s seen more action than a dentist’s chair during a candy sale.

Let’s face it, a used toothbrush is less about dental hygiene and more about playing bacterial bingo. It’s the only product where the previous owner’s dental history is more mysterious than the plot of a soap opera. And yet, some brave souls dive into this biohazard adventure, armed with nothing but misguided optimism and a strong stomach.

In the world of risky eBay deals, used toothbrushes sit comfortably at the top, laughing in the face of common sense. They’re the online marketplace equivalent of picking up a hitchhiker at the entrance of a haunted forest. You’re not just buying bristles; you’re buying a backstory that no amount of mouthwash can cleanse.

DIY Electric Chairs: A Shockingly Bad Idea

The DIY electric chair kit is one of those eBay finds that make you question humanity’s collective sanity. It’s like buying a puzzle where the final picture is a trip to the emergency room. Who needs a warranty when the biggest risk is becoming a human lightning rod?

These home-assembled execution devices come with a “some assembly required” tag that might as well say “good luck, you’ll need it.” It’s the ultimate in unsafe eBay purchases, where the thrill of the auction is only matched by the thrill of not electrocuting yourself. The instructions probably skip from step one to “last will and testament.”

A satirical warning about these chairs would read: “Warranty void if electrified.” That’s like saying your umbrella comes with a disclaimer against rain. Buying one of these is a lesson in risky eBay deals, where the only ‘positive’ outcome is not ending up negatively charged.

Celebrity Hair Clippings: Creepy or Cursed?

eBay’s celebrity hair clippings are the perfect buy for anyone looking to add “weird” to their collector’s shelf. It’s like owning a piece of fame, except it’s just hair, and it’s kind of creepy. Imagine showcasing a lock of hair and saying, “Yes, that’s from someone famous’ head.”

The market for these hair snippets is bizarrely booming. It’s like people forgot about photos and autographs and went straight for the DNA. You have to wonder if the plan is to clone their favorite celebrity or just to have a really odd conversation starter.

Let’s not even dive into the imaginary cloning disasters waiting to happen. One day you’re bidding on eBay for celebrity hair, the next day you’re in a sci-fi movie gone wrong. “Congratulations, you’ve successfully cloned the world’s first half-singer, half-houseplant hybrid!”

Buying celebrity hair clippings isn’t just a purchase; it’s a foray into the peculiar world of memorabilia. It’s the kind of thing you buy, then spend years explaining to guests why it’s framed on your mantlepiece. “No, it’s not a tiny, hairy spider. It’s pop star hair.”

Haunted Dolls: For That Homey Paranormal Experience

eBay’s haunted dolls are the perfect mix of creepy and comical. It’s like buying a new friend who just happens to have a ghostly entourage. Who needs a security system when your doll can just scare off intruders with its otherworldly vibes?

These dolls don’t just come with a price tag; they come with a backstory that could rival any horror movie. Imagine reading a description that says, “Loves long walks in graveyards and occasional poltergeist activities.” It’s like adopting a pet, but instead of a puppy, it’s a possessed porcelain figure.

And let’s talk about the doll that only haunts during business hours. It’s as if the ghost inside is unionized and strictly adheres to a 9-5 haunting schedule. “Sorry, I can’t terrorize you right now, it’s my lunch break.”

eBay bidding on a haunted doll is the adult version of telling ghost stories around a campfire. It’s all fun and games until your new doll starts watching you with those life-like eyes. At least you’ll have a valid excuse for not doing chores: “I can’t; the doll doesn’t like it when I vacuum.”

Expired Food Items: A Recipe for Disaster

eBay’s expired food section is a time machine for taste buds, offering a questionable journey into culinary history. Imagine finding a Twinkie older than some pets, preserved like a snack-sized mummy. It’s like a museum exhibit you can eat, but really, really shouldn’t.

Diving into decade-old snacks is like playing a snack-themed version of truth or dare, where every bite is a bold gamble. Picture biting into a cookie that crunches like a credit card – it’s not exactly the fine dining experience one might hope for. This is where food goes not to be eaten but to be marveled at from a safe distance.

Considering the risks of ancient eats, it turns out your taste buds might be time travelers, but they don’t have any sense of self-preservation. Eating a snack from the past is like sending your stomach on a rollercoaster ride through history. Just remember, some things are better left in the past – including that packet of chips from the Y2K era.

Fake Moon Landings: One Small Scam for Man

eBay’s counterfeit lunar memorabilia market is out of this world – literally. It’s like buying a piece of the moon, only to realize it’s just driveway gravel with a fancy story. Who knew moon rocks could look so much like the stuff in your garden?

Finding fake moon landing items on eBay is easier than finding a needle in a haystack. It’s more like finding a hay needle in a needle stack. Suddenly, everyone and their dog has a piece of lunar history for sale, and spoiler alert: it’s as genuine as a three-dollar bill.

Then there’s the conspiracy theory about these fake moon rocks. Apparently, they’re not just rocks; they’re part of an elaborate scheme involving aliens, Elvis, and a secret moon base. If you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you – Martian edition.

Navigating these lunar lies on eBay is like playing detective in a sci-fi movie. Each listing is a new episode in the saga of “Guess What’s Real.” Spoiler: It’s not the rock that glows in the dark and sings ‘Space Oddity.’

Do-It-Yourself Surgery Kits: Not Exactly Cutting Edge

eBay’s DIY surgery kits are a reminder that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should. Performing an appendectomy at home with a kit you bought online is like trying to defuse a bomb because you watched an action movie. It’s all fun and games until someone needs a real surgeon.

These kits make you wonder if there’s a YouTube tutorial for everything. “Welcome to my channel; today, we’re doing brain surgery. Don’t forget to like and subscribe!” It’s one thing to DIY a bookshelf, quite another to DIY brain surgery.

Imagine the reviews for these kits: “One star, lost my appendix, and my cat won’t stop judging me.” Or “Five stars, didn’t know what I was doing, but I sure did something!” It’s the peak of ‘buyer beware’ – or more accurately, ‘buyer, what are you even thinking?’

Offering a how-to on DIY brain surgery is like giving driving lessons to a goldfish. Sure, you can explain all you want, but should you really be surprised when things go south? eBay might be full of risky deals, but these kits take the cake for sheer absurdity.

Half-Used Candles: The Dim Light of Bargain Hunting

eBay’s half-used candles are like getting a half-eaten sandwich at a discount – sure, it’s cheaper, but there’s a reason for that. It’s the epitome of ‘used items eBay,’ where the line between thrifty and nonsensical is as thin as the wick on these sad candles. Who knew the scent of ‘barely there vanilla’ could be so underwhelming?

The story of the candle that smelled like regret starts with a hopeful click and ends with a nose wrinkle. Imagine lighting it and being greeted with the aroma of ‘eau de disappointment.’ It’s like buying a mystery novel and finding out the last page is missing.

Buying these candles isn’t just a purchase; it’s a journey into the world of questionable eBay shopping decisions. It’s the olfactory version of a ‘buyer’s regret eBay’ experience. Next time you’re tempted by a candle with a burn history, remember: some flames are meant to die out, and some candles are best left unlit.

Mystery Stains Clothing: A Spot of Bother

The world of eBay is full of mysteries, but none quite as perplexing as clothing with unidentified stains. It’s like each stain has its own story, a silent witness to past culinary escapades or clumsy adventures. Buying these garments is not just a purchase, it’s accepting a mystery that even Sherlock Holmes might politely decline.

Imagine the thrill of getting a shirt only to play a guessing game of ‘name that stain.’ Is it coffee, spaghetti sauce, or evidence of an alien encounter? Each guess is a step into the unknown, a wardrobe whodunit where the only clue is a blotch.

The comedic investigation into these mystery stains could rival any detective show. “Today on CSI: Closet, we analyze the curious case of the mustard mark.” The intrigue is undeniable, but maybe, just maybe, some mysteries are better left unsolved.

Pre-Chewed Gum: A Sticky Situation

The eBay market for pre-chewed gum is as baffling as it is unhygienic. It’s like there’s a secret society out there that thrives on second-hand chewing. These gum enthusiasts must think the flavor gets better with experience, like a fine wine or a well-aged cheese – only much, much less appetizing.

Imagine stumbling upon a listing for “gently chewed” gum with the flavor profile of “essence of stranger.” The review section would be a goldmine: “Five stars – really captured the essence of mystery with a hint of bad life choices.” It’s like taking a gamble with your taste buds, but the risk is consuming someone else’s saliva.

This bizarre corner of eBay is a stark reminder that ‘buyer beware’ takes on a whole new meaning online. It’s one thing to buy a used book; it’s a whole other ballgame to buy a used piece of gum. The thrill of the auction just doesn’t quite extend to bidding on someone’s leftover chew.

Broken Electronics: Because Who Needs Functionality?

eBay’s broken electronics section is where functionality goes to retire. It’s like a tech hospice where gadgets live out their final days in a state of semi-usefulness. Take, for instance, the phone that only works on Tuesdays – it’s not just a phone, it’s a weekly surprise.

Imagine the joy of owning a TV that only displays green. It’s like watching the world through the eyes of a Martian. This TV doesn’t just show programs; it gives you a free, permanent filter. Who needs regular colors when you can live in a perpetual St. Patrick’s Day?

The charm of these gadgets is in their unpredictability. It’s like playing electronic roulette – will it turn on today or just sit there like a modern art piece? Each day is a new adventure in troubleshooting.

Self-Help Books by Unknown Authors: Guidance to Nowhere

eBay’s self-help section by unknown authors is a treasure trove of questionable wisdom. You’ll find gems like “Yell at the Moon to Relieve Stress.” It’s unclear if the stress relief comes from the yelling or the confused looks from neighbors.

Then there’s the book titled “How to Clap with One Hand.” It’s less of a self-help book and more of a philosophical conundrum. The book leaves readers not only with a sense of achievement but also with a lingering question: “Why did I try this in the first place?”

These books are like guides to a parallel universe where logic takes a back seat. They’re the literary equivalent of a wild goose chase, but at least geese are real. It’s like buying a map to buried treasure, only to realize X marks the spot in your own backyard.

In this corner of eBay, the advice ranges from the bizarre to the downright hilarious. It’s a rollercoaster ride through the human psyche, with detours into the absurd. One book promises to teach you “The Art of Invisible Juggling.” It’s perfect for anyone who wants to impress their friends with skills they can’t actually see.

Illegal Potions and Spells: For When You’ve Given Up on Science

eBay’s illegal potions and spells section is like a fantasy novel come to life, but with more legal disclaimers. There’s a potion for turning your boss into a toad, but let’s be honest, it’s probably just green tea with a fancy label. Still, the customer reviews are a hoot: “Tried to toadify my boss, now he just likes flies a bit too much.”

The side effects of these magic spells are worth a read on their own. “Warning: May turn user into a pumpkin after midnight.” It’s like a fairy tale, but you’re the one who ends up as decor. And you thought turning into a frog was bad!

Exploring this magical marketplace is like taking a walk through a bizarre, mystical bazaar. One seller offers a spell to find true love, but the fine print reads, “Results may vary, especially if you’re a scarecrow.” It’s a wild mix of the mystical and the blatantly bogus.

Burnt Toast Art: Charred and Overpriced

eBay’s burnt toast art section proves that one man’s breakfast is another man’s masterpiece. It’s a niche market where the canvas is as edible as it is questionable. Who knew burnt bread could capture the essence of modern art?

Then there’s the toast portrait of Elvis. It’s like the King himself decided to make a comeback on a slice of whole wheat. The artist must have thought, “What better way to honor a legend than with butter and a bit of over-toasting?”

These charred creations are a testament to human creativity… or maybe just our ability to see faces in our food. It’s the kind of art that makes you wonder, “Should I hang this on the wall or just spread some jam on it?”

Used Bath Water: Just No

The trend of buying used bath water on eBay is a baffling phenomenon that begs the question, “Why?” It’s like shopping for a mystery box, but instead of a surprise, you get someone’s leftover tub time. The online marketplace has its quirks, but this one might just take the cake.

The dangers of second-hand suds are both baffling and slightly horrifying. It’s not just water; it’s a personal history lesson you never asked for. Imagine the disclaimer: “May contain traces of bubbles, rubber ducks, and regret.”

Purchasing someone’s used bath water is like playing the world’s least appealing game of mystery. Each jar is like a suspense novel where the plot thickens with every unsettling floatie. It’s a dive into the unknown, and not the exciting kind.