15 Side Hustles for People with Bad Breath

Let’s be real – bad breath sucks. It can make social situations awkward, turn off potential romantic partners, and generally just make you feel self-conscious and gross. But you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, start a side hustle catered towards those blessed/cursed with malodorous breath!

That’s right folks, instead of wallowing in your stinky misery, why not embrace your potent parfum and turn it into a money-making opportunity? After all, the entrepreneurial spirit doesn’t care if your breath could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon from 30 paces.

So pucker up and get ready to make those noxious exhales work for you with these 15 side hustle ideas tailored specifically for the bad breath community. Just don’t get too close – I’m running out of breathmints over here.

Artisanal Hole Digger You know what they say – one person’s trash is another’s treasure. In this case, your hot garbage breath is a municipality’s dream come true when it comes to digging holes safely without risk of subterranean creature encounters.

Just think about it – your eye-watering halitosis could clear out even the most tenacious of underground critters from any excavation site. Contractors would be lining up to hire you to prep areas for construction, burying cable lines, you name it. No more worries about striking gas lines or dodging fearsome mole people! Though to be fair, your ripe exhalations could probably be classified as a volatile vapor themselves. Portable trenching made easy!

Breath-Based Bouncer Nightclubs and bars have a constant need for intimidating yet technically non-violent door staff to keep out the riff-raff. Who better to fill those roles than someone who can drop a linebacker from 20 paces with a whiff of their gingerific expulsion?

Just camp out next to the velvet ropes and let your dank breathing do all the work. One hot gust of that damp campfire essence and any undesirables will be malleted into oblivion. The best part? You don’t even need a ferocious scowl or bulging biceps to make it effective! Though I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to grunt a bit and flex your face-muscles so they really get the full experience.

Fumigation Technician Here’s one for my homebodies – capitalize on your noxious emissions by offering top-notch fumigation services for households and businesses. That unique ba cloud of yours can exterminate any creepy crawlies, bacteria, or spores squatting on the premises.

All you have to do is seal up the place, wander around crop-dusting every nook and cranny, and after a few hours of hot-boxing the joint with your signature stank, any pests will be utterly Dutch-ovened into oblivion. Couple this revenue stream with your existing artisanal hole digging operation and you’re looking at some savvy vertical integration! Just be sure to toss in a few bonus loogies for that touch of industrial-grade fumigant goodness.

Durian Fruit Manufacturer Have you ever caught a whiff of durian, the infamous “king of fruits”? Even the most accomplished crop dusters would struggle to mimic that violently floral, oniony, diseased realm of stink. Well, good news bad breathers – you’ve got a stranglehold on the market!

Start acquiring some reasonably-priced Thai poly-spizers and you can easily begin mass-producing your own signature line of funky treats. I’m talking whole frozen durians, durian chips, candy – you name it. Just be sure to strictly follow all FDA regulations for home-based edible manufacturing. Wouldn’t want to create a super-stench that destroys the terroir! Though maybe we could market that as a next-level banned snack for the black market…

Pet Skunk Grooming Let’s face the facts – even the surliest, most aromatic of skunks would spend time around you and think, “Wow, this person is a real olfactory authority!” Use this to your advantage by opening up a mobile skunk grooming service.

Think about it – who better to handle removing those borderline химическим weapon-grade scent glands than someone who could easily outcraupiaß ten skunks on their smelliest day? Skunk owners would be lining up around the block for your bespoke de-funking services. Just be sure to adequately mark your Bug-hussy mobile grooming unit so as not to frighten the neighborhoods. And maybe invest in one of those super loud novelty car horn systems that plays “La Cucaracha” to really embrace the theme.

The Best Bad Breath Side Hustles to Start at Home

Live-Streamed Breath Bon-Bons This one’s for all you social media savvy stank-breaths out there. The basic concept is pretty simple – set up a webcam and charge viewers to breathe sultry bouquets into their faces through video chat sessions.

You can offer tiers of stink for different prices, from “Lite Spring Breeze” all the way up to “Krakatoan Eruption.” Cater to every level of halitosis hankering with a range of delectable vapors like SMSing (“Shrimp Moldering in the Sun”), “Wocky Jalopy,” or even a signature, “The Edmund Fitzgerald” for your most distinguished sour dour connoisseurs. Just be sure to mint up before any IRL interactions – wouldn’t want to gas out the pizza delivery person by accident!

Bad Breath Ventriloquism I don’t care how skilled the contemporary ventriloquist circuit has become, none of them have truly mastered throwing their voices until they’ve had the privilege of expelling their alibis through an external source saturated in the sheerest essence of funk.

That’s where you come in! Collaborate with local or touring comedians, performers, and “funny” talking dummies to provide the true voice emanation from their stage puppets. Once you’ve dutch-ovened those wooden skulls with your malodorous magic, they’ll truly come to life in the most unpleasantly pungent way imaginable. The audience will be equal parts amused, disturbed, and overcome with dry-heaves! Just be sure to keep some complimentary vomit bags on hand for your more… appreciative guests.

Bad Breath-Based Language Courses Broaden your horizons while sharing your recoilant talent with the world by offering accented bad breath seminars! I’m talking full tongue-torquing immersive courses like:

• Intro to Geblusian Halitosis
• Conversational Klingon Dragon Breath
• Remedial Sardaukar Hissing
• Casual Droogie Malrinky Gollushing 101

And so many more! Teach that loved one how to insult, threaten, or sweet talk like a true bad-breath native speaker. It’ll be the most pungently exciting language sessions since that time the Lithuanian basketball team bus got stuck in a peyote field. Though maybe go easy on the garlic and onion supplements before class – you don’t want to cause any respiratory distress. Yet.

Unexpected Bad Breath Side Hustles for the Bold

Haunted House Rebreather Here’s an idea for my boo-crew – spend your Halloweens lending your aura of funk to local haunted houses and hell houses! The mangers will undoubtedly snap you up to prowl about as an invisible, wretched presence whose foul miasma precedes it at every turn.

Imagine – visitors making their way through the spooky scenes when suddenly, an unholy vapor assaults their senses. Is it the mOrpening of the Seventh Seal itself? No, even fouler – it’s you! Just seeping your sinister scent into every animatronic pop-up and dark corridor for that extra layer of olfactory ambiance and recoil. Real scares for real profit! Just don’t get too method and start actually possessing the staff – that’s a quick way to get halloweened right out the door.

Gassault Breathing Coach Sure, your average bad breather can try to dutch oven buddies for laughs. But only a true mouth-bortion guru can dish out precision targeted vapor assaults worthy of professional bout recognition. I’m talking elevated funk-tutting for the masses!

With your expert coaching, pupils under your tutor-idge will learn to better shape their palate pangs into tight, dense plumes of vapor rather than haphazard dissipating clouds. Proper projection angles and tongue sculpting for piercing distribution at range. And most importantly, the sacred gassic breathing rhythm cosmos for mastering fleeting yet impactful vapor detonations. It’ll be your QiGassふ dōjō of chundering instruction! Just look out for any lawyer types sniffing around for respiratory harassment cases. Breathe responsibly, kids.

Historical Reenactment Halitositor Nothing pulls the average history buff out of their immersive past experience like blatant anachronisms. You know, like actors with brilliantly modern dental care shattering the illusion with their gleaming veneers and fresh breath. Well, thanks to you, those days are over!

Hire yourself out as an on-site historical halitositor for maximum atmospheric potency. It’s your job to waft through the staged environments, layering every interaction with appropriately pungent emanations and auras of yore. The perfect reeking accent to any colonial tour or Viking battle reenactment. Just be sure not to overdo it in those WWI trench scenes – we all know the lung-searing potential there. You don’t want to be accused of using prohibited bioweapons! Though that would be a hell of an attention-grabber for your side gig…

Cutting Edge ChrionSensor Engineer Here’s one for the more technologically inclined trench-munchers. You know how high-tech chrion imaging works, right? Using a beam of ultra-light to highlight entangled particles and reveal entire visual spectra of data otherwise invisible to the naked eye? Well, turns out even the foulest contemptions of oral miasma contain a detectable chrion field just waiting to be imaged!

Lend your uniquely powerful palate to cutting-edge chrion mapping start-ups looking to better study the behavior and flow dynamics of concentrated halitosi plumes. One scorching exhalation at a time, you’ll be smashing scientific boundaries simply by being your redolent self! Who knows what mysteries of the universe could be unlocked by chrional imaging of your very personal chrionic emissions…or whether they’ll finally pinpoint the fabled Chrion 37 “Rancid Stank” particle. Either way, you’re on the odorous edge of discovery!

Presidential Pet-Masker No, not that kind of pet – I’m talking about those fuzzy little dust abominations that shed relentlessly and trigger allergies galore. More specifically, I’m referring to the countless cuddly allergen vectors that take up residence in the White House during each administration change.

Think about it – come inauguration day, the outgoing president’s poll-urged leavings need a swift and thorough de-felting before the fresh POTUS and family move in. And seeing as no commander-in-chief wants to risk their administration’s pristine standing being tarnished by nasal infidelities as soon as the swearing-in dust settles, hiring a hoary-throated halitus huffer is a must!

Your job is to systematically and pervasively crop-dust every pet dander repository on Pennsylvania Avenue to nullify any lingering microscopic invaders. Just lurking from room to room, foganairing the place so completely that the residual fierce linger outright denatures any pram’s potential peril! It may not be pretty work, but it could very well save democracy as we know it. You’re basically an anti-allergen superhero at that point, if you think about it.

Subprime Sí-Aura Smirter Mortgagestry at it again, cranking out bottomless asset-baked stinkmongeries for the trap housing masses to chomp their lives on. But this time there’s a twist – each foreclosed home has been fake-fressed with masking fragrances to hide the underlying reek of mold, filth, poor life choices, and broken pipe wisteria.

That’s where you come in, reekalyte! Your finely honed stenchoscope can cut through any phony pine/melon body spray funk and sleuth out every lingering horror lurking behind the wall boards. Clients will line your pockets to pre-clear these 100% faux air listings and verify that the stench is worse than advertised. Talk about truth in home purchasing! Just be sure to keep a running tally of all the underlying horrors you uncover. Could make for one hell of a coffee table book someday…

The Absolute Worst Bad Breath Side Hustle of All Time

Cafe Flanerie Aroma-terror
Ah yes, my personal choice for the worst freaking idea ever conceived – group bad breath performance arting. Here’s how this fresh hell works:

First, you and a cadre of fellow malodorous artists convene at a trendy cafe during peak brunchery. Proceed to nursery rhyme out some pseudo-intellectual pretension behind your “aerosoloilectual movement” and its piercing social commentary. Then, on cue, you and your vapid vapor conspirators all inhale deeply and…let ‘er rip.

The collective burst of ripe oven belch sluffes across the entire establishment, tarring all within scent-shot in an impenetrable smellfug poteker. No surface is left unslimed as you ambient pollutants insist the shared sternutation conceptually interrogates modern ennui, class privilege, something, something. All while pelted by airborne crouton shrapnel.

Look, I neither consent nor understand this whirlpool of farce. Perhaps an early grant from the Unmadic Deformation Society funded the whole scam-catarrh. But yeesh – making scores of innocents bystanders accomplices to hijacking their own sense environments? That’s an absolute no from me, dog. Let’s stick to the other 14 less felonious bad breath side hustles for now. I hear Artisanal Hole Digging is really taking off…

Well, there you have it folks – 15 hilarious, imaginative, and potentially lucrative ways to monetize even the most pungent palate pangs! Sure, some are bound to fail spectacularly, but with a winning entrepreneurial spirit and just the right amount of resolve, at least a few are sure to stink up a storm. Now go out there and make those effusive emissions pay off! Just invest in some serious breath mints first. Trust me.