13 Bad Reasons To Buy Jewels

Buying jewels should be a thoughtful process, not a knee-jerk reaction to life’s oddities. Yet, here we are, about to dive deep into the shimmering pool of reasons so absurd, they make buying a pet rock seem like a sound investment. Let’s embark on this glittering journey of folly, shall we?

To Impress Your Goldfish

Believe it or not, decking yourself out in jewels to catch the eye of your aquatic pet is like trying to win an Oscar for a performance in a home video. Goldfish, with their supposed short memory span, won’t remember your bling past the three-second mark, let alone appreciate the aesthetic. It’s a high-cost venture with no return, unless you count the bewildered stares of your house guests as they ponder your life choices.

Because You Mistook a Pirate Movie for a Documentary

When the credits roll after the latest swashbuckling adventure, some viewers walk away inspired, convinced that a life of jewel-encrusted piracy is their calling. This leads to office attire that could blind a colleague at twenty paces and a misguided attempt at swagger that’s more likely to get you a referral to HR than a ship to command. Reality check: Corporate corridors are not forgiving to the pirate aesthetic.

To Prove You’re Not a Vampire

There’s a peculiar notion floating around that if you can handle silver, you must not be a vampire. This has led to some individuals donning silver jewels like they’re gearing up for a supernatural showdown. Unfortunately, all this proves is that you’ve got a flair for the dramatic and perhaps a misunderstood affection for Gothic literature. Vampires, if they’re browsing, are not impressed.

Hoping They’ll Hatch into Dragons

The fantasy genre has done wonders for our imagination but havoc on our logic. Some souls, bless their hearts, invest in jewels under the impression they might one day hatch into dragons. It’s a long wait filled with disappointment and the slow realization that no, your living room will not become a dragon’s lair. On the bright side, you’ll have a sparkling collection to stare at while you come to terms with reality.

To Solve the Mystery of Gravity

There are experiments, and then there’s dropping your jewels on the floor to test if gravity still works. Spoiler: It does. Your earrings, however, might not survive the experiment unscathed. It’s a costly way to confirm a fundamental law of physics, one that could have been verified with far less valuable objects. Science appreciates the commitment, though.

Because You Believe in Jewel-osynthesis

In a bizarre twist of misunderstanding, some folks strap on jewels with the hope of photosynthesizing. This might come as a shock, but humans—and their adornments—lack the ability to turn sunlight into energy, no matter how sparkly they are. It’s a hard pill to swallow for the aspiring human-plant hybrids. Best stick to vitamin D for your sunshine needs.

To Become Invisible

A surprising number of individuals believe that decking themselves in clear crystals will render them invisible. The logic is puzzling, and the outcomes are consistently visible. There’s something endearing about the optimism, though. It’s a clear case of misinterpreting fantasy novels or having far too literal a take on the phrase “fade into the background.”

As a Substitute for Personality

It’s a harsh truth, but jewels can’t compensate for personality. No amount of glitter can outshine a lackluster character, though some try valiantly with a veritable treasure trove around their necks. The endeavor often results in a dazzling exterior that only highlights the void within. Focus on polishing your inner shine; it’s far more rewarding.

To Win a Bet With a Magpie

Engaging in a bling-off with a magpie is a unique kind of ambition. These birds, known for their love of shiny objects, become unwitting rivals in the quest for sparkle supremacy. Losing such a bet can be humbling, especially when the magpie shows up for its winnings. There’s a life lesson in there somewhere, probably about humility or the dangers of challenging wildlife to contests of vanity.

Because You’re Preparing for the Apocalypse

The apocalypse prepper who chooses jewels over canned goods is a rare breed. Their survival strategy hinges on the hope that post-apocalyptic currency will be gemstones rather than, say, food or water. It’s an optimistic, if misguided, strategy that overlooks the basic needs of survival in favor of a more glamorous approach to the end of the world.

To Control the Weather

There are those who wear jewels in the hope of influencing the weather, a practice that’s yet to produce a single cloud on demand. It’s a whimsical attempt at playing god, minus the omnipotence. The weather remains stubbornly unaffected by human accessorizing, leaving would-be weather wizards with nothing but a fashionable ensemble to show for their efforts.

As a DIY Dentistry Kit

The idea of using precious stones for at-home dental work is both horrifying and fascinating. It’s a testament to human ingenuity and a stark reminder of why professionals exist. The end results are often less “Hollywood smile” and more “cautionary tale,” proving that some things are best left to those with actual dental degrees.

In a Misguided Attempt to Attract Aliens

Lastly, there’s the ambitious individual who arrays jewels in their backyard, hoping to catch the eye of a passing extraterrestrial. It’s a lonely vigil, and one that assumes aliens share our appreciation for earthly bling. The chances of interstellar contact remain slim, but at least the garden looks fabulous.

In conclusion, the reasons to buy jewels are many and varied, but let’s agree that practicality rarely makes the list. Whether you’re trying to impress aquatic pets or signal to the cosmos, it’s clear that the allure of jewels taps into the human love for the unnecessary and the outright bizarre.