It’s been a while since I’ve posted

Where have I been? If you follow me on Twitter, then you know that I’m still around. I haven’t gone anywhere. I still don’t have lice, and my weekends are filled with charging. I have such a problem with this site. I don’t know what it is. I need to find some way to make it fun. I really wanted to build a site and make a million dollars off of. That was my goal, and now I’m starting to question if it’s possible. Maybe I set my sights too high.

What would I do with a million dollars?

I’d probably dress like Liberace for the first week. I’d have to get that out of my system. I suppose I’d do what all white trash does when they get money and go to Florida. I’d have to go to the areas where they still have a southern accent. You can’t move into a place where people already have money and still feel rich. So, I’d have to search for people who live in house trailers on cinder blocks. Seeing them would help me remember how much money I had in my bank account.

Google doesn’t like my site

I’ve come to the conclusion that Google doesn’t like my site. I think my site confuses Google, and it has no idea what it’s about. Google likes it when a site is about one topic, and that’s it. I can’t write about one topic. It’s all I can do to stay focused and write a coherent paragrah. Everyone today has the attention span of a fruit fly, and I’m no different. I’m already ready to move onto the next GIF of a dog chasing its tail.

There are some things that I want to do

I want to eat a Philly cheesesteak in the shower. I don’t know if I want it with Cheese Whiz or provolone. I don’t know which I would prefer in the shower since I’ve never had a real Philly cheesesteak. I guess I’ll have to go there someday and give both of them a try. I think it would be best to try each while, not in the shower. But, my plans aren’t written in stone.

Where does the time go?

I wrote this a few weeks ago and didn’t post it. I don’t remember why I didn’t. Oh, there was the whole gout and osteoarthritis stuff. I went to a specialist of some sort and told them about my joint pain. They ordered a bunch of tests that I didn’t take. A day or two, after I went to the doctor, I started to feel sick. A day or two after that, my joints stopped hurting. They don’t hurt at all now. I’m glad that I don’t have to take athritis pills. Though, I’m a little bummed that I can’t act like Fred Sandford while complaining about my arthitis. I hate it when people say bummed. I don’t know why I said it there.

Let’s talk some more about money

I’m not going to edit this and all that. I’m too lazy to do anything that resembles work. I’m the guy who keeps putting the same dirty plate in the dishwasher that has a spec of meatball on it that can be flicked off. I’ve got more important stuff to do than something that requires movement. I know what you’re thinking, and not a single word of it is true. Typing this was a whole lot easier than reformating the entire masterpiece, so it flowed properly into the money-making segment.

I’ve studied how people are making money online. It’s an odd bunch of penny pinchers, braggarts, and people who can’t funtion in society. Most of the people on YouTube that talk about making money online look like they haven’t seen the sun this decade. I only hope their online girlfriends don’t turn out to be 80-year-old men in Zimbabwe.

How will I make this cool stack of a million dollars

That’s a good question. I wish someone would’ve asked it sooner. I also wish I had put more thought into it. I do think it is possible to make a million dollars. I’ve read up on how to start a Shopify store. Maybe I’ll give that a try. I might try to write another eBook that sucks really bad. This one will suck even worse, but it’ll be longer. I think the length of the book is essential because people want to feel like they aren’t being ripped off when buying something that is junk. Maybe I’ll sell T-shirts or other print on demand products. I could sell stuff using Amazon FBA, where prime members get free shipping. Who doesn’t love free shipping?

I don’t think all million of the dollars will come from one source. I guess I can also go on GoFundMe and beg for money. I might need some sort of health condition or something that pulls the strings on the hearts of donors. I doubt the fact that I’ve never had lice will do the trick. People are so fickle when it comes to donating their money. If you’re not a drunk with a sad lucky story, then you better be ready to cough up a lung to get some sweet cash begging for it online.

I just realized I have egg yolk on my pants and thought you’d like to know about it.

Maybe I’ll have a Netflix show and cash in big time

It doesn’t have to be Netflix. I’d settle for anything that paid money. I’ve had this idea for a TV show called Hotel Bano. It’s something that I’ve been thinking about for quite a few years now. My wife and I met each other in Mexico a few years ago. It’s a long story that I’ll talk in more detail about some day when I have the time. Anyway, the hotel we stayed at was right on the beach. It might have been a resort; I’m not sure what the difference is. You can’t blame me for not educating myself on things like this because I’m not a blogger. I have no responsibility to fact check or research anything.

There was this old building that had a bathroom in it near the beach. I flew to Mexico, and at one of the airports, there was this old guy who was working in one of the bathrooms. He reminded me of someone who works in bathrooms in fancy places. I thought wouldn’t it be interesting if he was working in the bathroom at the hotel. I’ll admit that the sun was hot, and it warped my thought process a little. I won’t blame it on the pina colada I had earlier in the day.

What about the pizza party?

You probably read about the pizza party on Twitter. If I do somehow get a million dollars, I’ll try to throw a pizza party in Italy. Why Italy? I want to eat pizza there some day. It’s one of the places that I want to visit. I also forgot to talk about Kickstarter. Maybe I’ll do something there too. I’m starting to get bored with all this typing. I can’t believe you read this far. You deserve a slice of pizza for reading this much.

I also thought about dictating my blog posts and making YouTube videos out of them. It’s going to take a lot of traffic to make a million dollars. I’m going to have to think outside the box on this one. My fingers are getting tired. This making a million dollars is going to be more difficult than I thought. I hope my fingers aren’t getting calloused. If they are, I’ll have to soak my fingers in water mixed with Palmolive dish soap.

There will be a pizza party. We’ll all hang out and have fun. I hear that if you eat pizza in Italy, you have to eat it with a knife and fork. Someone will have to remind all of us animals how to eat pizza properly over there. The last thing I want is to be a fake mustache wearing embarrassment of the human race.

Chicken picks winning lottery ticket

There’s only one thing I like to scratch more than mosquito bites, and that’s one thing is lottery tickets. I wish I had a chicken as this guy has. The chicken picked the winning lottery ticket. If I had a chicken like that, I’d keep it as far away from KFC as possible.

How to tell if an alligator is high on meth

alligator high on meth

I was eating breakfast this morning and stumbled upon this frightening news story. It looks like alligators are starting to get high off of meth that’s been flushed down the toilet — what a way to wake up. I haven’t even finished my coffee before learning of these drug-crazed alligators. I immediately decided to do so research to help everyone identify if an alligator they stumble upon is high on meth or not. You’ll need to keep an eye out for these alligators are they’re sure to be more dangerous than the average gator.

Here are the telltale signs that an alligator has consumed methamphetamine:

The gator has a backpack full of coloring books.

I never knew that meth makes people color. I learned that by watching Live PD on YouTube.

They continuously talk about stuff that no one cares about.

I’m not talking about your great-aunt who can’t keep her mouth shut. What’s up with that woman anyway? She’s just annoying, a gator on meth talks constantly about anything and everything. The difference is, the gator wants to be seen as amusing. Your great aunt just talks to hear her voice.

Paranoia strikes when you least expect it

Let’s say you’re having a cup of tea with an alligator and all of a sudden they freak out. Did you hear that? Was it a helicopter? How can you be sure the ice cream truck driver isn’t a cop? You get the drift here. A methed out gator is worse than someone who’s been smoking crack all day long.

The alligator has developed an odd tick

We’re not talking about a playful tick like your friend with Tourette Syndrome has. This came out of nowhere and started with them grinding their teeth. Now it’s progressed to something far more hideous like watching CNN all day long.

He hasn’t slept since Golden Girls was on TV

A gator on meth won’t sleep for who knows how long. The gator can’t sleep when there are helicopters to watch out for and things to talk about. The only time the gator will get any sleep is when they shoot a tranquilizer dart into it. A real meth-addicted gator doesn’t stop until they’re forced to.

If you suspect that an alligator has consumed meth, stay away from them. You don’t want to take them aboard a plane as your comfort animal. You may want to call one of those kind fellas at Swamp People and let them know about the alligator. They’ll know what to do with it.