The future of cheeseburgers

Everyone knows I’m a big fan of cheeseburgers. There’s nothing I enjoy more than sinking my teeth into a juicy cheeseburger. I’m also a huge fan of futurology. That’s the study of the future. I think that’s what it means. I’m not a real blogger, so I can’t be expected to look stuff up. I just make up facts as I go along. I’ve tried to become less lazy, but it’s difficult to overcome. Laziness is quite enjoyable. I enjoy doing nothing while watching someone work up a sweat. Anyway, that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. See, I’m even too lazy to stay on topic.

What’s the future of cheeseburgers? I can’t imagine the future without cheeseburgers. It would be a pretty dull and boring place without that wonderful pink slime that McDonald’s passes off as meat. Do they still use that stuff? That’s cutting edge meat technology right there. I don’t feel so bad eating it when a man in a lab coat conjured it up. I say a man, because a woman would probably be more sensible than to feed us a science experiment on a bun like that. After all, women tend to remind us to eat our vegetables. Luckily McDonald’s has that covered too with their delicious fries. Anyone alive during the 1980’s is fully aware that ketchup is a vegetable. Dip your fries in it and enjoy all the health benefits that vegetables have to offer.

Let’s talk about the future of cheeseburgers

I believe the future is written in stone. It doesn’t matter if humans create this future or alien beings do. The future of the universe will be the same regardless. I think the universe will eventually be controlled by robots. Those robots may be infused with humanity in some way. Not like how shampoo is infused with botanicals. I’ve actually thought about dedicating an entire site to nothing but talking about the future. I don’t have the time for that now. Maybe some day if this blog takes off I’ll do that.

I’ll try to simply this by making it into sections. For some reason that was very difficult to type. My brain isn’t working today. I’m sitting next to an air conditioner and I think it slows down my brain function. It couldn’t be clogged arteries from eating too many cheeseburgers. No way could that ever be the problem.

The near future of cheeseburgers

Meat will be much different a generation or two from now. They won’t have to kill animals. All meat will be raised in laboratories. Yes, the same scientists who brought us pink slime will be making something else even more delicious. I have no problems whatsoever of eating something created by someone wearing a white lab coat. I’m an American, I’m used to eating garbage. The best part is, American food scientists know how to make it all real tasty. Those who think we no longer export anything haven’t traveled around the world. Anyone who has, knows we’re great at exporting type two diabetes and morbid obesity.

The question of morality when it comes to killing animals won’t exist. Meat will be produced in the same exact lab that your future lungs will be. Don’t worry about chain smoking. Those sticks of pure delight won’t be so deadly in the near future. You’ll be able to get yourself a brand new lung. Maybe even two if you have health insurance. They’ll be made in the same lab as your hamburger patty. Don’t worry, they won’t mix the two up. That’s only a concern for those who plan on sitting down to a fine meal of haggis.

You won’t have to worry about cholesterol either. They’ll make this meat as healthy as possible. Each slab of meat will be genetically built from the ground up. It’ll be the best beef you’ve ever eaten. The ground meat will come from the best cuts. There’s no need to make inferior cuts of meat in a laboratory. Each and every burger will be made of steak. Not just any steak, this will be the best stuff ever. I don’t know if there’s any way I can convey just how great it will take. Wonderful comes to mind. Am I overdoing it? I hoping those people cut me a check once the technology is capable of producing these results. A man can dream…

Fire changed our digestive system

They say fire changed the human digestive system. Cooking is a way of digesting food before it hits your stomach. Just how will the human digestive system change in the future? This isn’t an argument over flame broiled or grilled. That doesn’t feel right. Grilled sounds the same thing as cooking over a flame. I’m talking about McDonald’s VS Burger King here. My wife prefers Burger King’s cheeseburgers while I like McDonald’s the best. We usually settle for Burger King since that’s the closest fast food restaurant. Losing is still winning when you’re eating a cheeseburger in the end.

How will our digestive system change in the future? Why does this even matter? I’m trying to write longer articles. That’s why it matters. Eyeballs need something to read. I’m on the fence about how the digestive system will change in the near future. By that I mean within the next few hundred years. I imagine most people alive during this time will be genetically altered. I have a feeling that they’ll make our digestive system smaller. I have nothing to base this on. It’s just a line of thinking that I’ve had recently.

I think that people in the future will eat something like a pasty version of Ensure. I don’t think people will actually eat food. I’ve debated in my mind if people will eat at all. Maybe the people of the future will simply be fed using an IV. I don’t think this is practical in the end. People will still need to replenish their reserves if the Ensure stuff isn’t available. By then robots should be able to deliver it to us. I don’t have a clue why anyone wouldn’t be able to get their hands on a can of Ensure. I’m tired. Cut me some slack.

What does all of this mean?

I’m sorry if it feels like I’m stringing you along. I just want to stretch out these topics as much as possible. You see, we don’t write for humans these days. We write for Google. They sure do love long articles. The longer, the better. I’d write an article so long it made blood pour out of your eyes if it were possible. This is the dilemma when you’re writing articles for machines and not human beings. The good news is, some day humans will be machines. We’ll talk more about that later.

Humans will be connected to computers in the near future. This will probably happen a few generations down the line. Why is this important when it comes to the future of cheeseburgers? Like I said, people won’t eat food any more. Instead, it’ll be a paste like substance. The computers hooked up to the brains of people will dictate everything. It’ll be able to give you the sense that you’re eating a cheeseburger. You’ll actually be able to taste it. It could even make your nutritional drink taste like a cheeseburger. People will be able to taste anything and everything all day long. It’ll be like an all-you-can-eat buffet in your head.

Eventually cheeseburgers won’t exist at all

There will come a point when man and machine entirely become one. It’s my belief that this is why we can tell that aliens don’t exist. If they did, we would be able to see evidence of their machines. The last stage of human evolution or whatever you want to call it is merging with machines. These machines will go into space and organize it. This is the main reason why we can tell that aliens don’t exist near our part of the universe. If aliens did exist, they’d clean the place up a little. Anyone who has ever traveled knows that intelligent life always organizes everything around it. You know there’s no one around in sight if the wilderness is overrun.

Final thoughts

I think Jerry Springer has a final thoughts segment on his show. I may have to change what I call this. I’m more of a Maury Show fan myself. I’m always wondering who’s the daddy. Anyway, enjoy cheeseburgers while you can. Soon they’ll be super tasty and eventually cheaper. A few generations from now kids will think it was archaic to kill animals and eat them. They’ll have an endless supply of laboratory produced meat. The only people who eat actual meat will be those who are like the Amish. People who refuse to live in the modern day.

A few hundred years from now people won’t eat for enjoyment. Which is what most people today do. Eating as gone a long ways from simply surviving. With computers connected to our brain, we’ll be able to taste anything. It won’t matter what we want to taste. We’ll be able to spend all day long pretending to eat cheeseburgers and it’ll be more satisfying than the real thing.

Beyond that, cheeseburgers or even food won’t exist. The human/machine hybrids won’t need food at all. My belief is that these machines will simply live off of energy from stars. Materials will be used from space to replicate and expand the number of machines. There will become a point when space is absolutely controlled by the robots. Those robots will wish they could relax and enjoy a cheeseburger. It’ll be in their memory bank, but it won’t have any use for them at all.

I don’t think I can stretch this out any further. I was really hoping for a 3,000 word article. Now it feels like approaching 2,000 will be next to impossible. I could end it here. I feel kind of bad ending it here. It makes me feel like I’m cheating the machines reading this. Not the people. I’m like those who sell pink slime. The quality doesn’t matter just as long as the zombies enjoy it. In this case the zombies are the machines. The ones that rank sites in search engines. I’m done. I apologize to everyone who has read this and isn’t a machine. Go have yourself a cheeseburger. You deserve it.


I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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4 years ago

Thank you for the expose on cheeseburgers. Once i heard a lady order a happy meal with just the i know why she did that.

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