Raising the minimum wage

There has been a lot of talk in America about raising the minimum wage to fifteen dollars an hour. I’m totally against it. I know that may sound like a shocker to some people. How can anyone be against raising the minimum wage? That’s exactly what I’m going to talk about here. There may even be a good argument for doing away with the minimum wage all together. We’ll get to that a little later. I used the word “we’ll” there to make me sound more important. There’s no we, it’s just me.

How many yachts do these people need?

Everyone knows that minimum wage workers love to show off their wealth. What an eyesore it is to see a perfectly fine marina overran with yachts. It makes me sick to my stomach to see how they squander their wealth. It’s like they constantly want to throw it in our face. I get the drift. I’m not that dense. Just because you ask me if I want fries with that doesn’t mean I’m oblivious to the truth. I can see it in your platinum grill. Gone are the days when gold is enough for them. They’ve moved up to the world of platinum.

Do they really need all those golf courses?

How much golf can one person play? I don’t understand how these minimum wage workers find the time to play golf. It makes no sense to me at all. It seems they have an unlimited amount of free time. That gets under my skin. It’s all I can do to take a minute and have a breather. What gets under my skin even more is the fact they use golf karts. Why in the world are they too lazy to walk? I’ll tell you why, it’s because of their huge SUVs. We’ll talk about that later.

Then there’s the club house. It’s like a fraternity that none of us are allowed to be a part of. I get the fact that they don’t want to rub shoulders with the likes of us average people. Not all of us have the ability to earn minimum wage. Someone should remind them of that. Maybe then they’d throw us the crust of a panini sandwich from time to time.

Their cars are getting bigger and bigger.

Average Joe’s like myself ride public transportation. We find ourselves sitting in between a woman who thinks her pants is a toilet and a guy who’s been drinking since the night before. Ever try asking someone where the next bus stop is when they’re in the middle of filling their adult diaper? Don’t even attempt it. The drunk guy next to you only wants to talk about his ex-wife. This is the joyous journey of someone who doesn’t make minimum wage. We are stuck having to coexist with people who’s bladder has a mind of its own.

Minimum wage workers, on the other hand, ride in luxury. Today’s SUVs are bigger than ever. Those people could care less what impact those vehicles have on the environment. All they care about is making sure their caviar doesn’t get too warm in their climate controlled vehicle. If we’re lucky we’ll get a hold of that can on trash day so we can recycle it. It really is true that one man gathers what another man spills.

Teeth are for losers.

They have something called health insurance. Most of you will have to look it up. I only know it exists because of the AARP ads I see on TV. These people with health insurance go to people called dentists. Think of it as a doctor for your teeth. I know that sounds like a waste of energy. But, they do exist. These teeth doctors do all kinds of stuff or so I hear. I believe all of that is a waste. I just tie one end of a piece of string to a tooth and the other to a door knob. I slam it a few times and the problem is solved. Those fancy tooth doctors can keep their motorized chairs for those who make minimum wage.

They get all the good seats at nightclubs.

I hate seeing those minimum wage workers poke their heads out of a VIP curtain. It’s like they’re too good to drink with the rest of us. They aren’t sipping on a delightfully ice cold King Cobra like all of us. No, they have bottles of champagne sent to them in buckets of ice. They can keep their bubbly rotted fruit juice. That stuff isn’t fit to be put in a dog dish. You can taste the tears of desperation in each and every glass of King Cobra. Every sip is like listening to a country music song. You don’t know the words, but you sure know how it’s going to end. Before long everything is going to be gone including the dog.

The sky must be lonely while all alone.

Those who earn minimum wage don’t fly like the rest of us. We’re all stacked next to each other more closely than sardines in a can. Have you ever flown on a long flight with the window seat sitting next to two fat people? You walk out of the plane one dimensional. You’re flatter than a piece of notebook paper. Those people who earn minimum wage don’t have to deal with any of that. Just imagine the snacks they must get. They don’t feel grateful to get a tiny bag of off-brand snack mix. It wouldn’t be too surprising if they were eating organic chips while draining a can of gluten-free beer.

I don’t know what flying would be like without a muffled captain coming over the loudspeaker. Then there’s the whole thing of waiting to get off. I’ve sat in the very back a time or two before. I’m talking back next to the toilets. You might as well keep on sitting long after the plane lands. You’re going to be waiting a long time until moving forward. I just sit there and wonder how fast those people earning minimum wage get off the plane. Those guys are probably already in the airport and searching for overpriced reading material for their flight back home.

They eat fruits and vegetables.

Most of us haven’t seen an actual vegetable since the beginning of the millennium. The only vegetables we see are those that are in packs of ramen noodles. Not those blocks of ramen noodles that are a staple of diets of those who don’t earn minimum wage. I’m talking about the cups of what they call instant soup. I always feel like it’s Thanksgiving when I’m preparing one of those delicious meals. I know then that I’ll be getting my yearly taste of vegetables. I also be getting enough sodium to last an entire year too.

Then there’s fruit. You can guarantee that the only people who have fruit in their house earn minimum wage. It’s not possible for the rest of us to afford it. The closest thing we come to fruit is fruit flavored candy. The stuff full of GMO sweeteners that will make us grow an extra set of limbs. We’ll do anything to get that fruit flavor. Most of us don’t even know what real fruit tastes like. We only know what artificially flavored cherry stuff tastes like. None of us would be able to identify a real cherry even if it was in front of us. That is, unless you’re a minimum wage worker.

Only water from a bottle is good enough for them.

Let’s talk about bottled water since we’re talking about food. They only drink water that comes from a bottle. They’re too good to get lead poisoning like the rest of us. We don’t know what’s going to come out of the faucet. We only hope that whatever is in the water is good for us. Drinking tap water is much like playing scratch-off tickets. You know you’re going to lose one of these days. You just don’t know if the glass you’re about to tip is loaded with lead or not. It’s just a matter of time before you’re slurping down a glass of refreshing liquid that will cause irreversible damage.

I like how they throw away bottles of water that aren’t even finished. It’s like water can be found almost anywhere. Their gluttony is beyond belief. I don’t know if I’d like to get my water from a bottle. I like the excitement of not knowing what’s in the water I drink. I think bottled water is a waste of money. That’s not a concern if you’re earning minimum wage. This is just one of the many ways they rub their money in all of our faces.

All of the good real estate is taken.

Every scenic square inch of land is long gone. They’ve already gobbled it up. We’re stuck living in postage stamp size apartments. I live in an apartment so small I have to sit on the toilet while cooking supper. There’s no room in between the toilet and stove. Sure, it’s convenient to sit and watch my ramen noodles boiling in the pot. However, this isn’t ideal in the least. Not unless you’re feeling slightly under the weather due to drinking lead contaminated water. As everyone knows that stuff can go right through you. Maybe that’s why the toilet is so close to the kitchen sink.

Those who aren’t fortunate enough to earn minimum wage daydream about having big lush green yards. The thoughts of barbecues and children playing in them delightfully race through the minds of those of us who yearn to earn minimum wage. It’s never going to happen. Not as long as those deep pocketed jerks have their way. We’ll just be their servants until we’re too old to get the job done. All we are good for is mowing their lawn or cleaning their toilets. Beyond that, those minimum wage workers could care less about us.

Final thoughts

I’m not in favor of raising the minimum wage. I don’t think these people deserve a single red cent more. I actually think it’s a good idea to abolish the minimum wage all together. It’s high time we allow the market to decide what people are worth. I’d even welcome changing the hourly wage to something like a tipping system. Kind of like how waiters and waitresses are paid today. No one deserves to drive a brand new Cadillac every year. Come on man, let’s get serious. These people have it far too good.

While I’m talking about wages, I’m also in favor of getting rid of child labor laws. Why shouldn’t kids work? I say no kid is too young to work. There’s a million jobs that they could be doing. Look at their little fingers. Surely they can be put to good use doing something. I can’t see why a kid can’t go to school and pull a night shift working at a factory. The kids today are lazy. Plain and simple. I blame it on minimum wage. They don’t have to worry about improving their life one bit. The kids today know they’ll have the minimum wage to fall back on.

I’m not saying that all of these minimum wage workers are bad people. I’m sure some of them are okay. A person can only take so much. To say that I’m fed up would be an understatement. I feel like an outcast any time I’m near one of these people. They’re judgemental and always think they’re better than everyone else. Most of them don’t know what it’s like to struggle the way the average person does. Sometimes you just have to overlook people. Such is the case with those who earn minimum wage and think we’ll never live up tot their standard.


I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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3 years ago

Good morning!

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