Questions That Seem to Have No Answers

Do chickens have fingers? Is it possible to milk a cat? Do fish sleep? These questions don’t have obvious answers. So I set out to research them.

I found that chickens do not have fingers. They have claws instead. How then can restaurants have chicken fingers on their menu if chickens don’t have fingers? The restaurants get their chicken fingers by de-clawing the chickens. Then they slice off the tips of their wings to make the chicken fit into a small box. The tip of the chicken’s beak is also cut off. The chicken beaks are then used to make pet toothbrushes.

To milk a cat, you must put the cat into the washing machine and turn it on. I don’t suggest that you do this for obvious reasons. Sticking a cat in a washing machine could cause injury to both the cat and the washing machine. To avoid this, lubricate the cat with soap and place it in the washing machine. This works best if you have a front loader washing machine.

Fish don’t sleep because they don’t have eyelids. Fish have a form of slits that allows them to see. This is why fish can stay alert all the time. It also doesn’t hurt that the world’s waterways are flooded with various stimulants that make sleeping impossible.

To prove my point, I decided to conduct a simple experiment. I went to the pet store and bought a goldfish. I went to the grocery store and bought a can of soda. The goldfish were placed into the can. The soda was unopened and poured into the can. The goldfish were placed into the bathtub and water was added. The can was taped shut. At intervals, I would remove the tape and check on the goldfish. After a while, the goldfish seemed to be depressed. I decided to try a different approach. Instead of soda, I would use beer. I went back to the store and bought a beer. The goldfish were placed into the can. The beer was opened and poured into the can. The goldfish were placed into the bathtub, and water was added. The can was taped shut. I left the goldfish to his own devices. I was surprised when it the next day, and it was still alive. I retaped the can and placed the goldfish in my bedroom. I came back a few hours later, and the goldfish was playing disco music while throwing a party.

For the next part of my experiment, I was going to have to go away for a few days. So I left the goldfish in my bathtub. I came back the next morning, and he built a bicycle out of toothpaste and soap. The goldfish proceeded to ride the bicycle down the hallway. I was starting to wonder what was in that beer. When I came back a few hours later, the goldfish had invented a time machine out of shampoo and soap. The goldfish went back in time and convinced Albert Einstein to drop out of school. The goldfish convinced Einstein to drop out of school, so now there was no one to figure out the theory of relativity. The goldfish went back in time again and convinced Einstein to become a hairdresser. In a matter of days, Einstein became the world’s leading hairdresser.