Man, I really love fat people. I don’t want anyone to think this is a post that’s anti-fat person. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m pro fat people. I’m going to tell you exactly why that is in this blog post. Fat people are just awesome. I never remember a time when there was this many fat people. When I was a kid, there wasn’t as many fat people. It’s remarkable how we are so fortunate to have these fantastic people in our society.
Fat people can lead you to all the good stuff at the store
I used to make a grocery list before going to the store. I hated sitting down and brainstorming what to buy. I’m the type of person who puts everything off to the last minute. I am the very definition of a procrastinator. I would wait until I was almost ready to go to the store to make a list. I knew that in my hurried state of mind that I’d forget something. You better believe I never forgot potato chips or chocolate. Staples like those never go forgotten.
Things start to get a little more complicated when you’re buying groceries for a family. I now have a little one to think about. There are so many different kinds of baby food to choose from. It’s impossible to know what to buy. Putting zucchini on the list doesn’t work when there are five different brands. This doesn’t mention that each brand seems to have several varieties. I knew I needed a way to simplify this entire process. I have and it’s all thanks to fat people.
I don’t make a grocery list any more. No, I haven’t moved into the digital world and make it on my smartphone. I did that at first. I thought it would be an easier way to make a list. Being lazy means that I’m looking to do as few things as humanly possible. The idea of not having to write anything on a piece of paper seemed enticing. I went the digital route before changing the way I shop for the better.
What do I do instead of making a grocery list?
I just follow a fat person around the store. I wait at the entrance until I see someone who’s really fat. I don’t fool around with anyone who waddles like a penguin. No, those people are what I consider rookies. I wait for someone to come strolling along in a motorized scooter. Those are the people who know where all the good stuff is. I don’t even think of those people as fat. I like to think of them as experienced eaters. Don’t be in a hurry when behind them. You may also want to keep a few tissues in your pocket. They make work up a sweat while getting things off of the shelf. They’ll think you’re a real darling if you wipe off the sweat as it drips down while they’re working hard leading you to the promised land of good eats.
I don’t buy baby food any more. Not since I discovered Jello Temptations. I’d like to personally thank the nice lady wearing what looked like a bed sheet for helping me discover these wonderful things. I don’t have to wonder what age the baby food is appropriate for. Jello is good for all ages. All you need is a spoon and you’re ready to go. The guesswork of mealtime has been taken out by the good folks at Kraft.
Never trust a restaurant review from a skinny person
What’s the first thing I do when I notice a new restaurant? I go online and check out their reviews. I always look at the pictures of the reviewers. If they look like someone Sally Struthers would’ve begged for money to feed… I skip right over them. Skinny people don’t know a thing about good restaurants. I don’t rate a restaurant by the number of stars left by the individual. I rate it by how many chins the person has who’s giving the review. The more chins, the more seriously I take the review.
I have a similar strategy when going to all-you-can-eat buffets. I sit back like a hunter scoping out the territory. I know to pass up on the free dinner rolls. They’re just trying to fill you up cheaply. I learned this tactic from a kind gentleman who was checking his glucose level in between pieces of pie. It was clear that he took Wilford Brimley’s words to heart when it comes to checking your blood sugar. He told me to never fill up on the items that are most widely available. These are all the cheapest things the buffet has to offer. It’s in their best interest to fill you up as cheaply as possible.
I just lean back in my chair and watch. I see where all the fat people are congregating. That’s where I’ll make my move. I’ll wait until something makes them scatter. It tends to be the moment that the fried cat fish tub only has crumbs in it. I’ll wait until a worker comes out with a fresh batch and I make a mad dash to the buffet. I run like Al Bundy towards the goal line during one of his famous four touchdowns in a single game.
One in five fat people are related to Santa Claus
This is a statistic that may come as a surprise. Now you can see why fat people are so jolly. It’s in their DNA. No one is happier than Santa Claus. He too is pleasingly plump. It comes from all of those free cookies and glasses of milk. I don’t leave cookies and milk out during the holidays. I’m sure by the time Santa goes from house to house that his sugar levels are probably out of this world. Instead, I just put a Lantus SoloSTAR insulin pen near my wish list. I still haven’t gotten the head lice that I asked for, but that doesn’t keep me from being a good boy.
Santa has elves who make the toys. No one ever sees Santa in the work shop. The same thing can be said about fat people. They too have elves. You rarely see them pushing a lawn mower or doing anything physical. This too must be an inherited trait they share with Santa. The only time they do anything remotely like physical exercise is when they wheel their scooter to tell the person who’s mowing their grass something isn’t right.
Fat people have more body space to tattoo
I’ve always been fascinated by tattoos. A fear of needles has kept me from getting any of my own. Not only that, but I don’t know what I’d want tattooed on me. I’ve never seen anything that I like enough to look at it every day. At least when it comes to cartoons that is. A tattoo is kind of like a fancy cartoon on your skin. Some people can even make the cartoon move if they jiggle their fat the right away.
I remember as a kid looking at the faded blue tattoos of family and friends. Each tattoo told an important story. Maybe someone got it after coming back from a war. Someone else may have gotten their tattoo after a night out on the town. A night they can’t remember, but they’re positive the woman who came home with them didn’t look like a jack-o-lantern about ten days past Halloween. No matter what Bill says, no one could possibly be that ugly.
Fat people have more places to tattoo. Skinny people should avoid getting tattoos all together. You can’t tell a story on a small frame. Tattoos today don’t just offer a glimpse into a moment of time. Those glimpses may turn out to be more like nightmares. It may seem like a good idea to tattoo the name of the love of your life on your chest. However, it’s probably best to see if the relationship lasts a week. If it does, then you’re in tattoo territory.
I like to think of skin as real estate. A fat person has the ability to tell an entire story. It’s like a picture book on their body. A whole comic book could be printed on their body. You could read the entire comic book without ever having to turn a single page. A world of possibilities is waiting to be discovered when ink hits flesh.
I don’t want anyone to think that any of this is meant to be derogatory towards fat people. Believing so would be the furthest thing from the truth. Fat people are absolutely awesome. My weight has fluctuated over the years. No one on planet earth loves to eat as much as I do. How many times have you read about my McDonald’s adventures? I like to think of myself as a professional at dunking fries into ketchup. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d qualify without even as much as breaking a sweat. I have a roll of fat dedicated to pork. It’s not as big as it used to be. It’s surprising how many calories you burn while pushing a baby stroller for half the day.
Food is some good stuff. Every fat person reading this has to agree with me. I like it so much, I eat it at least three times a day. I may even have a snack or two throughout the day. I always enjoyed tweeting while sitting in the comfortable chair while drinking Pepsi and eating Lay’s chips. Sour cream and onion are my favorite. I think I’ve just proven the fact that I’m not against fat people in the slightest.
The future is bright for those who want to gain some extra weight. There’s a never ending supply of processed foods just waiting for chubby fingers to take them off of the shelves. Bags of candy are getting bigger. Now you can buy bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that are almost nine dollars. The people have gotten bigger and so has the packaging. This can’t be any sort of coincidence. The size of packaging has gotten bigger across the board. You’d think that the populations have increased greatly. That the size of families are today what they were back a few hundred years ago. People aren’t having more kids. They’re just eating more.
Fat people, don’t think I hate you. I don’t. I respect your courage and your constant search for culinary treasure.