How to Use a Porta-Potty on Mars

It won’t be long until humans are on Mars. You know what that means; you’ll have to use a porta-potty sometime. The problem is, you can’t just whip out your business and go. You need to be careful. There are just a few things to keep in mind.

Select your nearest porta-potty

Not the one that looks like it may be too close to the edge of the cliff or hill that you’re about to rappel down. The last thing you want is to have a gust of wind come by and whip you off Mars, all because you had the urgent need to go number 2. The best ones are the ones that have been picked up from a construction site and just left there for anyone to use.

Check the contents

Make sure that your porta-potty of choice has some type of odor or indicator that there may have been a previous “visitor.” If it smells funky, even a little bit, I’d recommend going with a different porta-potty. If there’s not, go with a different one.

If you want to make sure that no nasty bacteria are growing in it, pull the door open and take a good look inside. If you see what looks like a party-foul, you know what to do next. If it doesn’t look like there’s any form of life inside, good. You can go ahead and take a seat.

Go ahead and take a seat

You’re going to want to pull out that handy dandy Martian Sanitary Pad™. It comes in both Junior and Adult sizes, so there’s just one size for all, no worrying with the extra uncomfortable stuff. When you’re done doing your business, make sure you seal it up real good! Don’t let it fly around the inside of the porta-potty after you’ve sealed up. If you have any extra, just throw that into the Martian Sanitary Pad™ barrel. You may want to use your hand to cover it up. You don’t want the contaminated Martian Sanitary Pad™ floating around in there. It’s not good for anyone.

Lock it up

You’re not going to want your porta-potty flying around on Mars. It’ll make you feel really vulnerable, which is not good for your personal safety. So, make sure that you lock up all of the doors after you’ve done your business.

Don’t forget to bring some reading material to the porta-potty

You never know how long you’ll be in there. You can bring your smartphone, but who knows if they have 5G on Mars. You may want to bring a book along. Just make sure that it’s in a container with a lid. You don’t want to be caught in a case of the Red-Eye again!

You may also be considering bringing something else along with you. You want to make sure that you’re very careful with that. Nothing that would require a lighter or stove or anything that is fire-related.


That’s all you need to know about using a porta-potty on Mars. If you follow the steps outlined here, you’ll be set for your time on Mars. Just remember to keep those doors locked. When you’re done with your business, make sure you seal up and don’t let it fly around. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your Martian Sanitary Pad™ with you.



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