As a fake blogger I feel it’s my responsibility to inform the public. There are times when this responsibility gets the best of me. When it does, I eat potato chips. Then I snap out of the funk and get straight to work educating the world at large. It’s not small task and I don’t mind it. I usually fit it in between watching episodes of The Banana Splits. If there ever was anything worth binge watching it’s that show. Just the theme song from the show is enough to make you tune into it.
I have an odd pimple like thing on my face
I noticed it when I woke up this morning. It kind of hurts. The skin around it is thicker than a normal pimple. It reminds me of an egg cooked over easy with a thicker than normal white part over the yolk. I’m sure that white part has a name. I’m too lazy to look it up. Just like I’m too lazy to look in the mirror and see what that thing is on my face. I sure hope it’s not a pterodactyl that got attached to my face during the night.
I always sit next to the guy who smells like garlic
It never seems to fail. It doesn’t matter where I am. I can be all the way around the world and the same exact thing happens. I sit down on the bus, and before long, someone comes along that smells like garlic. They aren’t there when I sit down. It’s always after I sit down. How can that be possible when it happens in countries far away from each other? I could go anywhere on planet earth and the person who ends up sitting next to me on the bus smells like garlic. I suppose there are worse things they could smell like. Have you ever sniffed a toupee sold at Good Will? If you have, then you know something smells worse than garlic.
Zestfully clean
I love how people scrubbing up or washing their hair in the shower always do so with a smile on their face during TV commercials. I don’t remember a single time when I smiled while bathing. Maybe I’m just a boring guy. I’ve also never just shampooed just one half of my head before. Like many of you I try to wash my hair at least once a month. Sure, it feels good to be under the shower and enjoy the warm wet water as it dances on my scalp. It’s never felt so good that I smiled. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. It might be time that I upgraded my shampoo.
I sure hope your cat doesn’t have diarrhea
I can’t help you if it does. Why would you think a fake blogger could help you anyway? I’m not here to give you answers. My job is to help you burn some time in between the nonsense we call every day life. The time when you’re waiting at the barber or salon to see if you do in fact have lice. Those few precious moments when you’re waiting what the pregnancy test says. That’s where this blog comes in handy. It’s for those moments in time when you need something to fill the space.
When I take this blog too serious I gum up. I don’t know if gum up is the right term. Maybe I should say freeze up. I don’t want to do anything that needs to be taken seriously. What’s the point in that? I see people taking stuff seriously every day and they really don’t accomplish much. They’re like drivers going around in circles on a race car track. The only time they know when the race is over is when the checkered flag comes out. Otherwise, those people would still be driving in a circle. Much is the same with people in their day to day lives. Some people never get bored of going around that circle. I’m the type who says forget about the circle and let’s figure out how to tap dance on rays of sunshine. It can’t be any worse than going around in a circle like a dog chasing its tail.
Call a vet
That’s my advice. You could try calling up just anyone. Free advice is better than no advice. Phone books really don’t exist today. They do if you can find someone old. You won’t actually get to use their phone book. They’ll spend too much time complaining about how small the print in the phone book is. Then you’re back to square one. You’ve got a cat with diarrhea and you still don’t know what to do.
Probably the cat was so hungry that had to eat garlic and to get rid of the smell drank a few cups of shampoo, the part that they don’t use in commercials, the pimple thing is because of the stressful situation not knowing if the cat would have its problem done in front of a mouse. That would be embarrassing. Poor cats! Hopefully I’ve learnt to not sit down in the bus, even if I am all alone in it. Thank You!
I think that cat is probably sick. Are you sure it wasn’t’ a weasel?
I forgot to specify that I never go by bus anywhere.
You never ever take the bus? Have you ever rode on a bus?
I had.
Did you take the bus some place fun?
I think I should’ve put the word “to” in there. I’m too tired to type right now.
Traveling by bus is fun enough regardless of the destination. Especially when the bus is crowded and you have to avoid being touched by visible or invisible individuals.
I think invisible individuals are the worst. Unless they smell like fresh baked bread that is.
Baker invisible people always leave traces, that’s true.
They can’t go anywhere without leaving a trail of flour behind them.
Or confusion.
I’ve got a cat…ish kinda pet. Your article is very helpful. 🙂
What exactly do you have as a pet?
My pet is pretty healthy. Others might say scary and loathsome, I just don’t listen to them. Its name is Darky. Maybe I will show it to you one day, I am not sure yet. I don’t want to cause any trauma to my dear animal. People’s reaction may cause it to hide in some shadowy corner and never come out. Thanks for asking! Have a great day!
What does your pet smell like?
It always takes the smell of the beholder. So cute! It blends also well in the environment.
That made my nose smile.
Only your nose? What were your ears doing meanwhile…?
They were listening to aunt Martha ask me to do something for her.
She’s back in the scene, isn’t she? Best wishes to your lovely aunt!
She’s like a cold sore… She never really leaves.
You must feel voraciously loved.
It depends on why she needs me.
Do you make her coffee&tea every Saturday morning?
No, that’s her husband Bert’s job. His name is Albert. But, he thinks it’s “cool” to be called Bert.
I also think that’s cool! I already like him. Your aunt is so lucky!
You’ll be able to talk to Aunt Martha and maybe even Bert later this week. They’ll be here and so will Gimmy. I’m still teaching him how to type.
Are you going to make a live broadcast with all of them? Don’t forget to let me know the precise day and hour, I don’t want to miss a thing!
There won’t be no video or anything like that. I’m hopeful I can convince them to post this week.
That’s good enough! Ring the bell on your Twitter account when it happens. Good luck!
I’ll let everyone know. I won’t forget. I’m taking brain health seriously.
Do you have an assurance for it ?
I haven’t really been doing anything to keep my brain healthy. I’ve just been lying to myself about it. My brain must not be healthy enough to realize I’m lying to it.
It’s kinda complicated, maybe some sort of a brain testing machine could answer to that. Maybe you can trick your brain to design such a smart machine. Good luck!
Thanks for wishing me good luck. I’ll need all the luck I can get.
Do you want me to give you some of my own?
Sure. Why not? I’d like some pizza too if it’s possible.
Send your giraffe over, he is faster and you’ll have your pizza in a minute. Do you want it with extracheese ?
Please, no extra cheese. I’m on a diet. Thank you.
I’ll keep it simple. Let me know when he is on his way to my kitchen.
Gimmy should be over there any minute now.
Mozzarella is still on the shelves in the store
What’s it doing there?
They all dream about playing a role in a YouTube video with many visualisations.
You know you’ve hit the big time if you’ve got a YouTube channel.
Have you already got one?
No. I might make one. What do you suggest I make videos of?
I would watch a video attached to every article you write. It would be interesting to see an addapted film version of it. ☺
I have thought about doing that with a robot reading the article.
And the actors?
They are on strike.
Buy some on Amazon.
What are they striking for?
Better wages and health insurance.
Maybe your flea circus is available and eager to appear in a YouTube video.
I forgot all about the flea circus. Sometimes they’re jealous over my attempts to get lice.
They will never interact with each other anyway; it’s pointless to be jealous as long as you have enough blood in your system. I thought they get a minimal education in their schooling programs. Weird.
It looks like you’ve never been in the same room with both lice and fleas. They are very jealous of one another. It could even be said they’re also highly competitive as well.
I don’t understand why do you want lice so badly….Maybe you like them fighting….hmmm
When you’ll get the lice, I can only hope you will not want also leeches.
I don’t want leeches. I only like things that make me itch.
I know! Hives would be the ideal solution to all your itchy craves.
I know! Hives would be the ideal solution to all your cravings!
I posted twice, it was not my intention…is that bad?
Do they feel good when they scratch them?
They feel same as everyone: important.
I don’t know about that. My favorite thing to scratch in the whole wide world is mosquito bites. I sure miss he summertime!
Don’t they sell on Amazon lab mosquitos? Give it a try, avoid useless suffering 🙂
Amazon has everything else. I wouldn’t be surprised if they also had real live mosquitoes.
Do they sell it by piece or by wieght
I don’t know to be honest. They’d cost an arm and a leg buying them individually I imagine.
No
I hate milk.
Me too. But I don’t know why…
Milk looks good, looks like beer when freshly milked. Just close your eyes and drink the liquor!
Does it have bubbles in it too? I’ve never seen fresh milk before.
No bubbles, unless you add some using straws.
I used to do that when I was a kid.
Too bad you are not doing it anymore. Maybe you’ll practice it with your daughter when she is ready to have this sort of fun.
I’m sure she’ll do it. I just hate milk though. I’d rather drink vinegar.
I’d better charge my phone.
Why? What happened??
I remembered you always say that we must charge it. I usually want to do the right thing.
I woke up today and both my phone and tablet needed charged. What a way to start the day!
The same thing happened to me: when I woke up I had to charge my phone. I hope the day will find a nice thing to end itself.
What was your phone doing all night while you slept? Do you think it could’ve been ordering pizzas?
And more. I suspect it has got a secret imaginary friend and its messaging while I am sleeping. Who could understand phones these days? Not me.
I need a friend like that. I could have it to work for me on the computer.
Start talking to your phone, maybe little by little you can humanize it …. are you already doing it?
I’m kind of afraid of doing that. What happens if my smartphone gets an attitude?
Or head lice before you do ?!
I’ve all but given up hope of getting head lice in 2018. Maybe I’ll get it in 2019 if I become a Belieber.
La La
I was almost a Belieber last year and then I broke my elbow. The day I decided to announce I wasn’t going to be a Belieber I broke my elbow. Maybe I should’ve become a Belieber after all.
I’ll never be a Belieber, I’ve learnt from your lesson. La la.
I can honestly say that there isn’t a day of the week that I’m not in paid. I’m hopeful they’ll take the metal out of my elbow in a few months.
Wishing you a spectacular recovery and much health!
Thank you. I’m looking forward to getting the metal out. I meant to say that I’m always in pain. I could only wish that I was getting paid for this.
Message no. 100 Nobody pays us for writting messages, I don’t know why.
I’d accept payment in potatoes if it were possible. I might have a new post today. I’ve been working on it. It’s a short one. I learn that I don’t have a uterus.
Fried or baked potatoes? Never potato salad, never!
I hate potato salad. I do. I prefer greasy fried potatoes. But, I also like them baked as well. How do you prefer your potatoes to be prepared?
By others.
I like your style.
Thank you! I am trendy.
Just don’t get any tattoos.
Why not?
You might regret them later on in life.
May I cut my hair ?
How short do you want to cut it?
Does it matter ?
Give me some time to think about it.
Long convo about cat stuff
Not much here about cats really. Even less about diarrhea.
Looks like someone’s garrulous.
Only on the weekends…
Because the phone is charged, of course!
I didn’t even care about charging my phone over the weekend. I had a long trip and the last thing I thought about was using my phone.
Was your trip longer than your giraffe’s neck ?
Much longer. i was traveling for about 24 hours.
Did you stare at many people?
I did. It was a long and interesting journey. I saw many different people from all over the world. I love immersing myself in different cultures.
If you repeat this experience long enough , you will end up recognising people by their tribe. I really like to be staring at strangers, but only when they are not looking.
I’m not very good at identifying tribes. I often think they belong to another species.
I am referring to our contemporaneous tribes ….whatever
Do you recognize me? I’m wearing a fake mustache.
A red fake moustache? If yes, I can.
Like a fox’s tail? No.
Foxy moustaches are destined for women, I guess.
I think women go for the full beard and not just a fake mustache..
They always chose the foxy invisible ones. They like to show off their foxy coats instead.
I have mixed feelings about anything that is invisible.
Prana is invisible
Odors are invisible too…
Not all of them
What was the last odor that you saw?
I dont remember, but I saw it on YouTube.
Hopefully it didn’t involve the Tide pod challenge.
Of course Not! What kind do you think I am?
You never know with the internet these days. I watch these challenges on YouTube and they can be astonishing.
I never watch them. Watching them encourages them to go on, they are after massive visualizations and am not ready to give them what they want, I am watching fat people eating, though… mea culpa!
I love to watch fat people review stuff on YouTube. Actually, I like to watch food reviews in general. But, fat people do make better reviews.
I think that fake fat people are more interesting
Are fake fat people skinny?
Skinny and angry.
That’s even worse. I imagine they’re bald without a hair on their head.
Not always, sometimes they are hairy like monkeys.
I bet they stink like durian fruit too.
I’ve never smelled it, so I wouldn’t know. How does durian fruit smell like? The word “durian” sounds good, but I can’t convert it into any aroma.
It smells terrible. Like natural gas and rotted vegetables. I don’t know how to describe it. Durian tastes worse than it smells.
Did you taste it? Why would anyone eat such a thing?
I saw people on TV eat it and I wanted to try it. Some say they like it and others don’t. I thought it tasted awful.
I wouldn’t try it. It’s tangerine season! Have fun!
I have some clementines in the refrigerator right now.
Have you tried them? Do they have seeds?
Yes I have. They are absolutely wonderful. There are no seeds in them.
I need badly ice cream now
Oh no! Do you live near a store? I don’t know what you’re going to do today. It’s Christmas unless you’re orthodox Christian.
I am an orthodox Christian, but not Russian, you are still a little bit confused about orthodox Christians hmmmm
My wife is orthodox. I’ve been to church with her many times. I don’t know what it’s like in other parts of the world. I’m sure that it’s probably a little different here than it is there.
I wish you a great new year and many happy lice in 2019!
Thank you. I hope you have a good New Year as well. I’ve given up all hope of every getting lice. I just don’t think it’ll ever happen.
I’ll let you know in December if my year was good or not. Thank you.
I hope it’s the best year of your life!
I never thought like that. Do you think it’s possible? Wow!
I think so. Why not?
That’s better than winning at lottery.
I’d love to win the lottery. Some of those jackpots are huge. I could buy a platinum plated gold fake mustache with all that loot.
Wow! That would be a big fake moustache! And you could send it out there into the unknown as a gift to the unknown mind boggling space creatures.
I no longer believe in space creatures. I think we are the aliens.
I am diffrent. I am human.
I’m human, but have metal in my arm. I think I’m slowly becoming a robot.
Is it still there? When are they going to take it out? Are you Ok?
I’m going to have them take it out sometime this year. I’m in all kinds of pain. I’m in pain every day of the week. I’m tired of it to be honest. A few days ago was the one year anniversary when I fell. I think today it was one year ago that I had surgery.
Must be difficult to endure so much and constant pain for so long. I wish you happy and painless days!
It’s been very difficult actually. The pain is very bad sometimes. I can feel the metal scratch underneath the skin. It’s like a scratch, but under the skin. It’s awful.
I hope you’re feeling better. Let us know when you’re having the surgery.
I went to the doctor two weeks ago. I’ll probably have surgery in two months. I could do it now, but I have some traveling to do next month.
Are you going to travel to Siberia? Wow! That’s great!
I was there for about an hour two years ago. I don’t plan on going back any time soon.
Was your breath freezing while you were breathing?
Do you mean like ice coming out of my mouth?
Ice cream? Wow
Creamy delicious ice cream. It’s too bad it doesn’t come out of the utter like that.
Don’t be silly!
Now you’re making me blush.
If you’re wearing makeup nobody will notice it. Shhhh
What kind of makeup do you suggest?