I was eating breakfast this morning and stumbled upon this frightening news story. It looks like alligators are starting to get high off of meth that’s been flushed down the toilet — what a way to wake up. I haven’t even finished my coffee before learning of these drug-crazed alligators. I immediately decided to do so research to help everyone identify if an alligator they stumble upon is high on meth or not. You’ll need to keep an eye out for these alligators are they’re sure to be more dangerous than the average gator.
Here are the telltale signs that an alligator has consumed methamphetamine:
The gator has a backpack full of coloring books.
I never knew that meth makes people color. I learned that by watching Live PD on YouTube.
They continuously talk about stuff that no one cares about.
I’m not talking about your great-aunt who can’t keep her mouth shut. What’s up with that woman anyway? She’s just annoying, a gator on meth talks constantly about anything and everything. The difference is, the gator wants to be seen as amusing. Your great aunt just talks to hear her voice.
Paranoia strikes when you least expect it
Let’s say you’re having a cup of tea with an alligator and all of a sudden they freak out. Did you hear that? Was it a helicopter? How can you be sure the ice cream truck driver isn’t a cop? You get the drift here. A methed out gator is worse than someone who’s been smoking crack all day long.
The alligator has developed an odd tick
We’re not talking about a playful tick like your friend with Tourette Syndrome has. This came out of nowhere and started with them grinding their teeth. Now it’s progressed to something far more hideous like watching CNN all day long.
He hasn’t slept since Golden Girls was on TV
A gator on meth won’t sleep for who knows how long. The gator can’t sleep when there are helicopters to watch out for and things to talk about. The only time the gator will get any sleep is when they shoot a tranquilizer dart into it. A real meth-addicted gator doesn’t stop until they’re forced to.
If you suspect that an alligator has consumed meth, stay away from them. You don’t want to take them aboard a plane as your comfort animal. You may want to call one of those kind fellas at Swamp People and let them know about the alligator. They’ll know what to do with it.