I have a hemorrhoid, and its name is Henry

It pains me greatly to say that I have a hemorrhoid. The pain took me by surprise at first. As a married man, I’m used to plenty of pain in my backside. What started as a brief amount of discomfort quickly turned into something that felt more akin to a toothache. It was an all-too-familiar feeling, but I was in denial about what it could be.


I can’t say for any amount of certainty that it is a hemorrhoid. I face a dilemma that is as strange as it is bizarre. How do you find someone to look and make sure that it is a hemorrhoid? It might be a pimple. I can’t move my neck to position my head to be able to see what is going on back there. It’s impossible to use a mirror and see. I thought about trying to take a selfie of it using my smartphone, but the problem with it is, I’m afraid I’ll never be able to look at another picture the same way on the phone again.


It’s next to impossible to find someone to check out if what you have is a hemorrhoid or not. You can’t approach a stranger in public and ask them to take a look. Anyone willing to take you up on your offer and check to see if it’s a hemorrhoid or a pimple is someone who you should avoid. I can’t imagine a scenario in which a perfect stranger would agree to look at your hemorrhoid without it being a little awkward at the least.


Sometimes I feel so alone in this struggle. I cringe at the idea of sitting down. There are those times when I feel as if I’m the only person in the whole world going through such an enormous amount of pain. It makes me want to start a diary and document all of the life-changing struggles that I face daily. The pain is real, the struggle is at times unnerving, but I know for the sake of my future, I need to fight the good fight. A hemorrhoid is not going to get the best of me. I know how to take a bad situation and turn it into something good. That was a pep talk intended to make me feel better, but as I sit here and type this out, I feel nothing but pain. I guess I should have given myself a pep talk while standing in front of the mirror instead of sitting in a chair. Standing would have been a lot easier for Henry to tolerate.


I plan on making some changes to the site soon. I hope that my hemorrhoid doesn’t get in the way of that. Sometimes it seems all I can do is focus on the small area of pain. I have a new  theme for the site that I’ve had now for almost two months. I’m not too sure what has taken me so long to get around to changing the theme. I can’t blame it on the hemorrhoid because I haven’t had the hemorrhoid that long. I suppose I can blame it on the hemorrhoid in no one would know any difference. I could blame everything in my life that’s ever went wrong on the hemorrhoid. I guess the reason why I’ve never had lice is because of Henry. My back feels so stiff right now and it’s probably because of Henry. I know if I bought any lottery tickets right now they would all be losers and It would be because of Henry. It’s kind of nice to have a hemorrhoid to blame for everything. That makes me wish I had Henry a whole lot sooner.


I never knew that having a hemorrhoid would put me on such an emotional roller coaster ride. I feel at times that my hemorrhoid is all that I think about. It’s strange how something like a hemorrhoid becomes the focus of every minute of your life. It’s when you stop thinking about your hemorrhoid that you begin to have false hope. You begin to think that the hemorrhoid has somehow miraculously left the building like Elvis, but reality soon kicks in when the hemorrhoid begins to ache like the tooth of someone who eats a steady diet of sugar and nothing else. I go through bouts of time when I don’t experience any pain, but those are few and in between. The last sentence doesn’t seem to feel right, but I want to stick with it. Any inconsistencies that  you’re reading here is because of my hemorrhoid and nothing else.


I don’t know how I will act if the hemorrhoid ever goes away. I’ve told myself if the hemorrhoid doesn’t leave, then I will go to the doctor next week. The problem I have is, Henry is becoming a part of me. I can’t imagine what life would be like without having to worry if I’m sitting down to rough or hard. What would life be like if I didn’t have to watch my step and not be too adventurous while walking? Those are questions that I’m not ready to answer at this point. How many tears will I shed when Henry is nothing more than a faded memory? I will never be able to go for long walks on the beach or to uncontrollably laugh while milk shoots out of my nose after Henry tells me a joke. All of those things will never happen if Henry is taken away far too soon.


As I mentioned in the previous post, I also want to change a few things about the commenting system. I want to add a few things to it, and I’m not too sure how it will work out. It’s not that I think that the commenting system will conflict with my hemorrhoid. I’m not too sure how it will work with the new theme. I will try to get the new theme sometime next week, but I’m not too sure when it will happen. I will have to make time to go to the doctor and have them look at Henry if he still is around.


There are so many things that I would like to share with my new best friend. I can’t help but think of him as my best friend since he goes everywhere I go. There is no one who follows me around as Henry does. He eats breakfast with me, he goes to the store when I go, it’s surprising, but he even goes to sleep when I do. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a close-knit relationship with anything or anyone. It’s kind of heartwarming to think about the friendship that the two of us share. The most surprising aspect of our friendship is that it came out of nowhere. I wasn’t expecting to get a hemorrhoid, and I certainly wasn’t trying to get one. It happened when I least expected it, and I didn’t feel the sense of overwhelming joy that you would expect a person to have when they discover a friend that never seems to want to leave.


If I were the type to get a tattoo, I might get one of Henry. When someone or something has such an impact on your life, you want to preserve it in some way so that you can always remember it. I wouldn’t know what to get a tattoo of since no one has seen Henry. I suppose I can show the tattoo artist Henry but my fear is that they would not understand him the way I do. I would want a picture drawn of Henry that shows my affection for him while also letting the world know how big of an impact he had on my life. I don’t know if anyone could ever possibly know how much he has changed my life by looking at him. To me, Henry is more than just a hemorrhoid; he is everything a person could ever want in a ruptured vein.



I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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2 years ago

Hello to you and implicitly, to Henry! If you can imagine, I have red the entire ode dedicated to Henry; it brought tears to my eyes and unexpected laughs and giggles. When I have finished reading I felt myself diving into a soft and warm melancholy and I understood right away whats the use of having a long neck (Jimmy is a very lucky guy, but not as lucky as Henry is!). I was also wondering why did you chose this name for your closest friend? Henry Miller was a moustacheless guy, but we will never know if he didn`t… Read more »

2 years ago
Reply to  Michael

Henry probably likes homemade organic stuff, Treat him with honey and ice, it will calm down. Both of you will be happier recalling your close friendship.

2 years ago
Reply to  Michael

You know he is there, resting behind the curtains, keep eating fibres and fruits, especially pears and prunes (fresh or dried) and water, more water.

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