Four Easy Steps to Produce High-quality Squirrel Milk

If you’re anything like me, you’ve dreamed of drinking a big tall glass of squirrel milk. The problem is, you can’t run down to your local supermarket and buy squirrel milk.

Here is a helpful guide to getting your first glass of delicious squirrel milk:

Step One: Find a squirrel

It’s relatively easy to find a squirrel in an urban environment where they are infamous for their ability to survive almost anywhere.

Just check your yard or tree, and you should be able to spot a few.

Step Two: Determine if the squirrel is lactating

Ok, so this is probably the most challenging part.

Squirrels have a few ways of signaling that they are lactating. You’ll need to keep an eye out for one or all of these signs:

1. An unusually large or swollen chest area.

2. Swelling of the abdomen in front of the breasts.

3. Wide-set teats from which milk is dripping or can be squeezed out.

If you’re still unsure, try reaching out and grabbing a teat, and squeezing it. If you get milk, then it’s a squirrel that can be milked.

Step Three: Position the squirrel

Now that we have found a lactating squirrel, it’s time to milk her. The best position to milk a squirrel is on her back. She’ll tilt her head back and look into the sky, and it is easier to milk.

Step Four: Milk

It’s very simple to milk a squirrel. Find a teat that is swollen, and squeeze it. Of course, she’ll startle, but don’t worry about that.

If you feel a little resistance, that’s normal. Just keep squeezing until you’ve got a full glass of squirrel milk. Then, you can store it in the refrigerator or drink it immediately.

Note: Never drink milk from a squirrel that is not lactating. It will make you very sick and ruin your appetite for squirrel milk.

There you have it! I hope you enjoy your first glass of homemade squirrel milk. Please remember to keep a few alive for future milking!


You have learned how to milk a squirrel. You can use this technique for many other small animals that produce milk, like possums and even mice!


I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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