Crack Smoking Aliens Found Living on Mars

Wait…what? Yes, you read that right. Scientists have found evidence of crack-smoking aliens. No, really. I know it sounds crazy, but this is very serious stuff. While we may not be talking about EBEs (little grey men), we ARE talking about proof that there are probably lifeforms living on Mars. While this may still sound like crackpot-crazy-nonsense, let me back up a bit and explain…

The evidence is pretty convincing. We have been monitoring signals sent from Mars for the last decade. We pick up short, frequency-modulated radio signals several times a week. Little did we know that these signals were a distress call from an alien race that is under constant assault by an army of drug-addicted, alcoholic flying saucers. Aliens, living on Mars? Yep, just like we suspected. The signals that we receive are a distress call from a dying planet. The last remaining members of the species are forced to live underground, hiding from their attackers.

These signals have been picked up by several different scientists and have all been confirmed as originating on Mars. The aliens claim that they have been under attack for the last 10 years. The aliens say that they were forced to flee underground and hide within the planet’s crust. From there, they have been forced to build a city under the surface of Mars.

The distress call goes on to explain that the aliens are in contact with an extra-terrestrial race – the flying saucers. These craft are of terrestrial origin and are controlled by a race of beings that live on Earth. These creatures are drug addicts and alcoholics, who oftentimes inhabit the flying saucers while they are on their planet-wide benders. These aliens claim that these craft are actually living creatures – who are flying around the solar system in search of booze and drugs.

Apparently, these saucers have been flying around Mars for the last 10 years, laying siege to the underground city of the last surviving Martians.

It’s been pretty obvious for quite some time that Mars is full of little green men. But now, we know that there is a large population of drug-addicted aliens with machines that fly around and shoot lasers at each other. Seriously, though, with today’s new technology, we can detect aliens up to a million miles away. So why haven’t we seen any of the flying saucers?

Well, there is one theory that makes perfect sense. The aliens have been successful in completely erasing all of their signs of habitation from the surface of Mars. In other words, they have made Mars essentially ‘sterile’. So even if we did find evidence of aliens on Mars, we wouldn’t be able to see the evidence. The planet is scrubbed clean of all artificial structures.

This theory makes perfect sense. In order for any species to survive, they have to have a planet that is hospitable to life. This means that the planet has to be at a certain distance from the sun and it must have a breathable atmosphere. It has to have an environment that can support life.

In order to protect their species, the Martians have completely destroyed any and all evidence of their existence. All artificial structures, buildings, rock walls are gone. Mars appears as though it was never inhabited at all. From this, we can safely assume that the aliens have been successful in completely erasing any and all signs of their existence.

In order to protect themselves from the threat of invasion, the aliens have done everything they can to avoid detection. The planet has been scrubbed completely clean. There is no sign of their existence. They have essentially erased everything that they have built, including the city that they live in.

The aliens on Mars did all this so they could smoke crack in peace. The planet has been destroyed so that these creatures can live peacefully and smoke crack 24/7. The long term ramifications of this action will probably be devastating for the Martian environment, but at least we won’t have to see any of the flying saucers.



I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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