Crack enthusiasts

I’d like to say that this has nothing to do with crack addicts. This entire blog post talks about crack enthusiasts. There’s a big difference. An enthusiast is a connoisseur of sorts. They’re the type who extends their pinky finger when smoking crack. A crack addict would simply never have that much class. An enthusiast is someone who’ll go the extra mile to experience the crack they love so much. Dedication is the true differential between enthusiasts and addicts. An addict is a fly by night person who may quit some day. Enthusiasts are not quitters and the sores on their lips prove it.

Crack enthusiasts are the ultimate capitalists

I used to be a big fan of the television show Intervention. I was always surprised by how much money these people spend on crack. It’s not like they settle down with a five dollar rock to relax in the evening. I saw one person claim to smoke five hundred dollars worth of crack a day. This is an enormous amount of money. Most people would look at this and be disgusted. Not me. I love capitalism. It made me wonder how did they get that much money each day to spend it on crack. A person who earns $500 a day just for crack should consider themselves a success. Any other person would put their nose in the air if they were earning so much money every day.

I don’t exactly know what these good folks are doing to earn so much money. The way that they dress makes me think they probably don’t have an office job. That makes them even more amazing. I’d say they’re probably self-employed doing something. Some of them ask for money with cardboard signs. I don’t think the average person can make much money doing this. Not unless they have a convincing reason to ask for the money. I notice they never say on the sign that the money will go for crack.

The real environmentalists are crack enthusiasts

We’re taught to care about the planet at a young age. Most of us really don’t care. We toss all kinds of stuff in the trash. Do you have a compost bin? Probably not. Who is the one group of people who constantly worry about recycling? It’s not the college professor with a knee length beard who has been to a thousand Grateful Dead shows. The crack enthusiast is. No one recycles more than someone who is thinking about their next hit of crack. The next time you have a panic attack thinking about the environment, rest assured that a crack enthusiast has you covered. They’re out there picking up the stuff that everyone else throws down on the ground. If it were up to them, landfills wouldn’t be full of valuables that can be sold to get cash.

Crack makes them aware of their surroundings

No one is more familiar with their surroundings than a crack enthusiast. They keep peeping out from behind the curtains to see if anyone is outside. No one else is constantly listening to see if anyone is walking around their door. Did you hear the helicopter above? If not, it’s because you’re not enthusiastic about crack. If you were, then you’d definitely put your ear to the ground and listen.

People who smoke crack have eyes and ears everywhere. They know what’s going on in the neighborhood. Did someone just order a pizza? Could the pizza delivery driver be an undercover cop? Those are questions that you should be asking. Luckily, the crack connoisseur is one step ahead of you. They’re already onto it. Who knows, they may even sift through their neighbor’s trash to see if the pizza box contains a bug.

They’re full of self-confidence

No one does anything better than a crack enthusiast. For some reason, that stuff turns ordinary people into professionals at everything. They’re the best musicians, chefs, and airplane pilots. Simply put, there’s nothing a crack smoker isn’t good at. If you can do something, without a doubt they can do it better. That jacked up look on their face proves it. They strut down the street knowing that no one is better at anything. You can spot a crack enthusiast’s swagger a mile away.

If you want to hire a good foreman, get yourself a crack enthusiast. They’ll bark out commands from the bathroom like no one else can. That’s what they call their office. You see, they can’t smoke that stuff around people. No, someone might be an undercover and call the police. Don’t make any sudden moves around the bathroom or when they come out. Just make sure to follow all of their commands. Even if they do ask you to look out the window a time or two. Just remember that it’s part of their ability to be better at everything than everyone else is. Their heightened sense of awareness gives them canine like qualities to hear things that you can’t.

No one is up for more late night activities than a crack enthusiast

Do you consider yourself a night owl? If so, perhaps you should consider having a crack enthusiast as a friend. They stay up for days upon days. Do you have a hankering for an all night wall washing session while listening to a police scanner? A crack enthusiast is who you need to hook up with. They’ll wash your walls while going through everything you own. No one has more of a keen eye for valuables than a crack enthusiast. Just make sure that you hide your valuables before entertaining your guest.

Most people sleep at a somewhat reasonable time. Neighborhood watch groups know the true value of an enthusiast. They’ll be up all hours of the night making sure no one is being suspicious in the neighborhood. It’s even better if a husband and wife team are enthusiasts. They can cover ground that just one person can’t. Your neighborhood will be safe and sound as long as they’re watching for bad guys or narcs. Either way, you can rest easy knowing they’re keeping an eye out.

Crack smokers make for great dinner guests

I like to consider myself a bit of a foodie and a tightwad. I love invited over crack enthusiasts for supper. I call it dinner when they come over. I even break out the table cloth. Nothing is too good for these fine guests. I invite them over because they never eat. I can feel like a fantastic host every time I offer them something they refuse. I really pour it on thick. I usually have to keep offering from behind the bathroom door. That’s okay, I don’t mind speaking up. They won’t even take a doggy bag home with them. That’s just more for me tomorrow at lunch time.

I really like taking them out to eat also. I always take them to nice restaurants. Places where the waitresses and waiters take bathes before going to work. I offer to buy anything they want on the menu. Want lobster? Don’t worry, it’s on me. The sky is the limit for those who aren’t going to eat a single morsel of food. I feel like a million bucks when I offer to pay for their meals. It reinforces just how great of a person I am.

Final thoughts

Nancy Reagan taught us all to just say no. I’m sure glad not everyone listened. Our society wouldn’t be blessed with these wonderful people. You see, those people she’s talking about are crack addicts. Those are the people who’ll steal your hub caps without thinking twice. A crack enthusiast is different. They think of the long haul. A true enthusiast wants to keep on puffing for as long as possible. This is why they go out of their way to deliver a shot of pure capitalism right into the arm of society. No one is constantly thinking about new and adventurous ways of making money. They capture the capitalist spirit better than anyone else out there. No one is more profit driven than someone who has a crack pipe in between their lips.

I think a national holiday should be devoted to these fine upstanding citizens. We are forever in debt to those who grace our streets with a constant watchful eye. They may be keeping an eye out for plain clothes officers or a shiny beer can laying on the edge of the sidewalk. No matter what, you can rest assured that their dutiful eyes are glued to everything that surrounds them. They are more in tune with their surroundings than a desert mouse worried about snakes.

They are the best neighbors until the crack runs out. When it does, couples become hypersensitive in other ways. They become experts on each others flaws. It’s like a verbal Fifty Shades of Grey collides with a cognitive therapy session. By the time the argument is over you’ll wish the dope man was on his way. At least you’ll know each and every one of their flaws. An absence of crack makes them well aware of the others shortcomings.


I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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4 years ago

Another entertaining post from you! I was going to say which paragraph i liked the best but they’re all equally worthy. Your final thoughts are really done well. Sometimes it’s hard to wrap things up as we all know from watching the Oscars and reading awkward run on sentences in comment sections that just go on and on. I’m hearing music so had better end this here. I wish you a lovely day.

4 years ago

This is a political article.

4 years ago

Are you preparing the field for a 2020 presidential run? whispering a secret you must post an article about gender-fluid benefits and advantages. Good luck! You already have my and my neighbours vote.

4 years ago

Ignorance is bliss, they say and they are right. Why to complicate the obvious?

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