Camouflage No Longer Works


I was in Walmart a few weeks ago when I realized something quite startling. I saw a man walking around while wearing camouflage. My jaw dropped right to the floor in the pickle aisle. I couldn’t believe what I just saw. The thing I found so startling was, the camouflage didn’t work at all. The guy didn’t blend with his surroundings. I could see him walking around. I didn’t have any problems spotting him from the Great Value dill pickle slices.

I felt like I should approach the guy. I wasn’t sure how to do it. A person who expects a reasonable amount of cover from their camouflage might be startled to discover their cover has been blown. Did he know that we could see him? Was his nonchalant demeanor a result of thinking he was invisible? Those were questions that raced through my mind as I debated approaching him.

I didn’t have the heart to tell the guy that his camouflage wasn’t working. I don’t know why I was able to spot him so quickly. Could humans have evolved to the point where camouflage no longer works? I don’t think it was because I was in the pickle aisle. In all honesty, I think I would’ve been able to spot him in the coffee aisle or even next to the dairy case. I just don’t think that his outfit was effective at all.

I thought I would take a few moments out of my busy day and give anyone who wants to blend into Walmart some tips to do so. The normal camouflage that works when trying to hunt a deer won’t work here. Humans have come a long way, and you’ve got to do more to blend in. The average Walmart customer is pretty sharp, and a duck call isn’t going to lure them away from the frozen food aisle.

Tip number 1: Make yourself look fat and bloated

If you want to blend in at Walmart you’re going to have to look like the typical customer. To achieve this, you’re going to have to make yourself appear to be excessively overweight and bloated. The best way to accomplish this is with a diet high in processed foods and soda pop. It’s going to take some time to let yourself go on this level. It’ll be well worth it when you can stand in the health and beauty department without ever blowing your cover.

Tip number 2: Get plenty of tattoos

You can go for the temporary tattoos. You don’t need to get inked up for this. Though, you do want the worst looking tattoos possible. You’ll get bonus points if you have some tattoos on your legs. Make sure if it’s in the wintertime that you’re wearing shorts to show off your leg tattoos. You may also consider wearing some sort of sleeveless shirt to show off the tattoos on your arm. Don’t worry about the cold weather outside. The blast of warm air that greets you when walking through the door will make you forget all about it.

Tip number 3: Never ever go to the produce aisle

The produce aisle is only for foreigners. You’re going to stick out like a sore thumb anywhere near it. The only time you can safely go in the produce aisle is during summertime when they have watermelons. Otherwise, it’s best to pretend like the produce aisle doesn’t exist.

Do you have any more tips to help people camouflage themselves among Walmart shoppers? If so, use the comment section below.

Michael

I'm a human being. Usually hungry. I don't have lice.

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Alina
1 year ago

Very useful article for all the modern hunters that are roaming in all kind of multinational retail corporations that operate chains of hypermarkets! You said nothing about shopping lists, shoes and hair styles.

Alina
1 year ago

I tip: you have to give also precious advices to online shoppers.

Alina
1 year ago

They all have the “Sally” surname! What to do?

Alina
1 year ago

Everyone should have the chance to fake their death for various reasons. At least once / lifetime.

Alina
1 year ago

I also agree with myself.

mrsroadrunner
1 year ago

omg hahahahhahaha

Alina
1 year ago

If any of you is planning to fake your death, I highly suggest to do your shopping excusively online while wearing the most unexpected camouflage jacket and a matching moustache. If you are black or Asian , don’t wear a blonde moustache, but if you are Caucasian you can wear a black moustache. Thanks for reading.

Alina
1 year ago

You dont know if you’re an alien or not until you don’t pass the tests and the exams. So…have fun studying alienish!

Alina
1 year ago

Maybe you already have it in your blood. You can never know.

Alina
1 year ago

No, only if your pet is acting strange. Is he?

Alina
1 year ago

Wearing sunglasses in the middle of the night, sleepwalking during the day….stuff like that.

Alina
1 year ago

Was your pet born in Georgia? Now I understand why you’re always talking about food every day and night!

Alina
1 year ago

Was Ray Charles born in Georgia, USA? How’s your pet?

Alina
1 year ago

In which part of the outside is snowing? Here some trees are already in bloom and the sun is shining, hopefully will have chocolate ice cream.

Alina
1 year ago

The birds are also singing and the sun is shining.

Alina
1 year ago

And the insects are coming back to life.

Alina
1 year ago

Dogs look happier.

Alina
1 year ago

I am doing it in tandem with freshmen pigeon walkers. Feels great!

Alina
1 year ago

We need an instructor, we are doing it wrong :/

Alina
1 year ago

The pigeons need also lessons, not only me.

Alina
1 year ago

They are overweight and obese, that’s why.

Alina
1 year ago

I have to ask them

Alina
1 year ago

My throat is sore, but I’ll do my best. Rats aren’t afraid of me, that’s my optimistic outlook in this matter.

Alina
1 year ago

That’s a great idea. Tomorrow I’ll have ice cream. Thanks for giving me the best solution ever!

Alina
1 year ago

Ice cream season is here!

Alina
1 year ago

I am thinking about making up new flavours. What’s the newest thang out there?

Alina
1 year ago

“Deep in snow” sounds good, I bet is coconut flavoured. I’m on the blue planet, you?

Alina
1 year ago

It’s nice you have a new article posted on this website. I was wondering lately when are you going to write something and what would the be the subject of your interest…. it’s good you mentioned your pet. Have a nice typingtime! Pic pic

Alina
1 year ago

That would be nice, hopefully you will post every day a few thoughts, your repertoire is rich enough, your readers will be pleased.

Alina
1 year ago

New experiences to inspire your writing!

Alina
1 year ago

You can prepare yourself somehow and make it exciting. I am usually doing it. I am often fooling myself when I have to handle difficult situations. Nobody taught me this technique, but I find it highly useful and recomforting.

Alina
1 year ago

Try it with Harissa sauce. Idk why I am not making more experiments for people’s taste buds! We usually stuck to a few combinations, for generations.

Alina
1 year ago

What kind of sauces do you prefer for all purpose ….?

Alina
1 year ago

Spicy or icy ?

Alina
1 year ago

Thank you for your contribution to the international chocolate testing community! We will reach out to you in shortest time possible. We advice you kindly to enjoy flavoured chocolate every day, at least 3 times/day. Have a good week! ( sorry, I was possessed by an alien bot mood, I hope it will not happen again….Thank you for reading!)

Alina
1 year ago

Diabetes is not from chocolate, it’s from soda and other sweet drinks ✌

Alina
1 year ago

That’s a good start of a warming up discourse for your new profession. Let me know if you’re having success with it. Thanks!

Alina
1 year ago

You could be a street piano player, if you don’t like closed and crowded spaces.

Alina
1 year ago
Reply to  Michael

You mean musicians in general?

Alina
1 year ago

Maybe they are some kind of undercover agents. It’s the only explanation I can find …

Alina
1 year ago
Reply to  Michael

When you want to eat ice cream, put slices of cucumber on your forehead.

Alina
1 year ago

Composting

Alina
1 year ago

You can feed Mother Earth with the cucumber, she will thank you. You don’t need any infrastructure, dig a small hole in the ground and bury your organic leftovers. If you want to achieve compost you can buy a compost bin and follow the instructions. I always dreamt about walking in a ghost town, thank you for the opportunity!

Alina
1 year ago

Enjoy your daily salad! You could add some green onions from time to time, it’s good for your health. How is your elbow? Have you had the intruder eliminated?

Alina
1 year ago

Meanwhile have a great, creamy vacation!

Alina
1 year ago

And turkey jerky twice a day!

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