Camouflage No Longer Works

I was in Walmart a few weeks ago when I realized something quite startling. I saw a man walking around while wearing camouflage. My jaw dropped right to the floor in the pickle aisle. I couldn’t believe what I just saw. The thing I found so startling was, the camouflage didn’t work at all. The guy didn’t blend with his surroundings. I could see him walking around. I didn’t have any problems spotting him from the Great Value dill pickle slices.

I felt like I should approach the guy. I wasn’t sure how to do it. A person who expects a reasonable amount of cover from their camouflage might be startled to discover their cover has been blown. Did he know that we could see him? Was his nonchalant demeanor a result of thinking he was invisible? Those were questions that raced through my mind as I debated approaching him.

I didn’t have the heart to tell the guy that his camouflage wasn’t working. I don’t know why I was able to spot him so quickly. Could humans have evolved to the point where camouflage no longer works? I don’t think it was because I was in the pickle aisle. In all honesty, I think I would’ve been able to spot him in the coffee aisle or even next to the dairy case. I just don’t think that his outfit was effective at all.

I thought I would take a few moments out of my busy day and give anyone who wants to blend into Walmart some tips to do so. The normal camouflage that works when trying to hunt a deer won’t work here. Humans have come a long way, and you’ve got to do more to blend in. The average Walmart customer is pretty sharp, and a duck call isn’t going to lure them away from the frozen food aisle.

Tip number 1: Make yourself look fat and bloated

If you want to blend in at Walmart you’re going to have to look like the typical customer. To achieve this, you’re going to have to make yourself appear to be excessively overweight and bloated. The best way to accomplish this is with a diet high in processed foods and soda pop. It’s going to take some time to let yourself go on this level. It’ll be well worth it when you can stand in the health and beauty department without ever blowing your cover.

Tip number 2: Get plenty of tattoos

You can go for the temporary tattoos. You don’t need to get inked up for this. Though, you do want the worst looking tattoos possible. You’ll get bonus points if you have some tattoos on your legs. Make sure if it’s in the wintertime that you’re wearing shorts to show off your leg tattoos. You may also consider wearing some sort of sleeveless shirt to show off the tattoos on your arm. Don’t worry about the cold weather outside. The blast of warm air that greets you when walking through the door will make you forget all about it.

Tip number 3: Never ever go to the produce aisle

The produce aisle is only for foreigners. You’re going to stick out like a sore thumb anywhere near it. The only time you can safely go in the produce aisle is during summertime when they have watermelons. Otherwise, it’s best to pretend like the produce aisle doesn’t exist.

Do you have any more tips to help people camouflage themselves among Walmart shoppers? If so, use the comment section below.

94 thoughts on “Camouflage No Longer Works

  1. Very useful article for all the modern hunters that are roaming in all kind of multinational retail corporations that operate chains of hypermarkets! You said nothing about shopping lists, shoes and hair styles.

    1. Thank you. I forgot all about hairstyles. I’d say go with any style that’s hip right now in the trailer park.

  2. If any of you is planning to fake your death, I highly suggest to do your shopping excusively online while wearing the most unexpected camouflage jacket and a matching moustache. If you are black or Asian , don’t wear a blonde moustache, but if you are Caucasian you can wear a black moustache. Thanks for reading.

    1. Yes, he was. Gimmy is doing pretty good. It’s been snowing a lot outside. He just had a cup of hot chocolate.

  3. In which part of the outside is snowing? Here some trees are already in bloom and the sun is shining, hopefully will have chocolate ice cream.

    1. I’m an old pro. I just don’t have time right now to give lessons. Just go outside and watch some pigeons. I see them every day of the week.

  4. It’s nice you have a new article posted on this website. I was wondering lately when are you going to write something and what would the be the subject of your interest…. it’s good you mentioned your pet. Have a nice typingtime! Pic pic

  5. I added a new post. I’ve been kind of busy lately. I would like to add a new post every day. I might try to add some shorter posts soon.

  6. That would be nice, hopefully you will post every day a few thoughts, your repertoire is rich enough, your readers will be pleased.

    1. I have thought about adding shorter posts of just a few hundred words. I’m going to be doing some traveling soon and then I want to have the metal taken out of my arm. I’m kind of pushed for time right now.

    1. They will be new and maybe exciting. Who knows. Probably not. More than likely it’ll be boring and painful.

  7. You can prepare yourself somehow and make it exciting. I am usually doing it. I am often fooling myself when I have to handle difficult situations. Nobody taught me this technique, but I find it highly useful and recomforting.

  8. Try it with Harissa sauce. Idk why I am not making more experiments for people’s taste buds! We usually stuck to a few combinations, for generations.

    1. I had to Google Harissa sauce. That stuff sounds kind of spicy. I don’t think I want to eat that for breakfast.

  9. Thank you for your contribution to the international chocolate testing community! We will reach out to you in shortest time possible. We advice you kindly to enjoy flavoured chocolate every day, at least 3 times/day. Have a good week! ( sorry, I was possessed by an alien bot mood, I hope it will not happen again….Thank you for reading!)

  10. That’s a good start of a warming up discourse for your new profession. Let me know if you’re having success with it. Thanks!

  11. I’m not sure if I want to become a beggar. But, it does seem like an exciting job opportunity.

    1. Those people always seem to be odd balls. I’ve never seen a normal looking person playing music for money. Have you?

  12. You can feed Mother Earth with the cucumber, she will thank you. You don’t need any infrastructure, dig a small hole in the ground and bury your organic leftovers. If you want to achieve compost you can buy a compost bin and follow the instructions. I always dreamt about walking in a ghost town, thank you for the opportunity!

  13. Enjoy your daily salad! You could add some green onions from time to time, it’s good for your health. How is your elbow? Have you had the intruder eliminated?

    1. Sometimes I add other things to the salad. I will talk to them about removing the metal after I come back from vacation. I’m hopeful that they’ll take it out soon.

    1. I haven’t said or typed it today. Not once. I may not either. I’ll have to wait and see if I feel like saying turkey jerky later. Oh…

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