Month: July 2019

Chicken picks winning lottery ticket

There’s only one thing I like to scratch more than mosquito bites, and that’s one thing is lottery tickets. I wish I had a chicken as this guy has. The chicken picked the winning lottery ticket. If I had a chicken like that, I’d keep it as far away from KFC as possible.

How to tell if an alligator is high on meth

alligator high on meth

I was eating breakfast this morning and stumbled upon this frightening news story. It looks like alligators are starting to get high off of meth that’s been flushed down the toilet — what a way to wake up. I haven’t even finished my coffee before learning of these drug-crazed alligators. I immediately decided to do so research to help everyone identify if an alligator they stumble upon is high on meth or not. You’ll need to keep an eye out for these alligators are they’re sure to be more dangerous than the average gator.

Here are the telltale signs that an alligator has consumed methamphetamine:

The gator has a backpack full of coloring books.

I never knew that meth makes people color. I learned that by watching Live PD on YouTube.

They continuously talk about stuff that no one cares about.

I’m not talking about your great-aunt who can’t keep her mouth shut. What’s up with that woman anyway? She’s just annoying, a gator on meth talks constantly about anything and everything. The difference is, the gator wants to be seen as amusing. Your great aunt just talks to hear her voice.

Paranoia strikes when you least expect it

Let’s say you’re having a cup of tea with an alligator and all of a sudden they freak out. Did you hear that? Was it a helicopter? How can you be sure the ice cream truck driver isn’t a cop? You get the drift here. A methed out gator is worse than someone who’s been smoking crack all day long.

The alligator has developed an odd tick

We’re not talking about a playful tick like your friend with Tourette Syndrome has. This came out of nowhere and started with them grinding their teeth. Now it’s progressed to something far more hideous like watching CNN all day long.

He hasn’t slept since Golden Girls was on TV

A gator on meth won’t sleep for who knows how long. The gator can’t sleep when there are helicopters to watch out for and things to talk about. The only time the gator will get any sleep is when they shoot a tranquilizer dart into it. A real meth-addicted gator doesn’t stop until they’re forced to.

If you suspect that an alligator has consumed meth, stay away from them. You don’t want to take them aboard a plane as your comfort animal. You may want to call one of those kind fellas at Swamp People and let them know about the alligator. They’ll know what to do with it.

Why is he sticking out his hand?

I’ve watched this video several times, and I can’t figure out why he sticks out his hand. It makes no sense to me. Let’s try to come up with ideas on why he’s sticking out his hand. I’ll kick it off with a few of my own.

He wants momma bear to sniff his finger. That rarely ends well.

He thinks that bears are fortune tellers and she can see his future.

He doesn’t know bears stopped giving high fives in the 1980s.

He’s okay with losing a few fingers as long as it makes for a great YouTube video.

The cocktail of medications he’s on makes him wonder if what he sees is real or a computer simulation.