Month: January 2019

Camouflage No Longer Works

I was in Walmart a few weeks ago when I realized something quite startling. I saw a man walking around while wearing camouflage. My jaw dropped right to the floor in the pickle aisle. I couldn’t believe what I just saw. The thing I found so startling was, the camouflage didn’t work at all. The guy didn’t blend with his surroundings. I could see him walking around. I didn’t have any problems spotting him from the Great Value dill pickle slices.

I felt like I should approach the guy. I wasn’t sure how to do it. A person who expects a reasonable amount of cover from their camouflage might be startled to discover their cover has been blown. Did he know that we could see him? Was his nonchalant demeanor a result of thinking he was invisible? Those were questions that raced through my mind as I debated approaching him.

I didn’t have the heart to tell the guy that his camouflage wasn’t working. I don’t know why I was able to spot him so quickly. Could humans have evolved to the point where camouflage no longer works? I don’t think it was because I was in the pickle aisle. In all honesty, I think I would’ve been able to spot him in the coffee aisle or even next to the dairy case. I just don’t think that his outfit was effective at all.

I thought I would take a few moments out of my busy day and give anyone who wants to blend into Walmart some tips to do so. The normal camouflage that works when trying to hunt a deer won’t work here. Humans have come a long way, and you’ve got to do more to blend in. The average Walmart customer is pretty sharp, and a duck call isn’t going to lure them away from the frozen food aisle.

Tip number 1: Make yourself look fat and bloated

If you want to blend in at Walmart you’re going to have to look like the typical customer. To achieve this, you’re going to have to make yourself appear to be excessively overweight and bloated. The best way to accomplish this is with a diet high in processed foods and soda pop. It’s going to take some time to let yourself go on this level. It’ll be well worth it when you can stand in the health and beauty department without ever blowing your cover.

Tip number 2: Get plenty of tattoos

You can go for the temporary tattoos. You don’t need to get inked up for this. Though, you do want the worst looking tattoos possible. You’ll get bonus points if you have some tattoos on your legs. Make sure if it’s in the wintertime that you’re wearing shorts to show off your leg tattoos. You may also consider wearing some sort of sleeveless shirt to show off the tattoos on your arm. Don’t worry about the cold weather outside. The blast of warm air that greets you when walking through the door will make you forget all about it.

Tip number 3: Never ever go to the produce aisle

The produce aisle is only for foreigners. You’re going to stick out like a sore thumb anywhere near it. The only time you can safely go in the produce aisle is during summertime when they have watermelons. Otherwise, it’s best to pretend like the produce aisle doesn’t exist.

Do you have any more tips to help people camouflage themselves among Walmart shoppers? If so, use the comment section below.