Month: September 2018

How to tell if your cat has diarrhea

As a fake blogger I feel it’s my responsibility to inform the public. There are times when this responsibility gets the best of me. When it does, I eat potato chips. Then I snap out of the funk and get straight to work educating the world at large. It’s not small task and I don’t mind it. I usually fit it in between watching episodes of The Banana Splits. If there ever was anything worth binge watching it’s that show. Just the theme song from the show is enough to make you tune into it.

I have an odd pimple like thing on my face

I noticed it when I woke up this morning. It kind of hurts. The skin around it is thicker than a normal pimple. It reminds me of an egg cooked over easy with a thicker than normal white part over the yolk. I’m sure that white part has a name. I’m too lazy to look it up. Just like I’m too lazy to look in the mirror and see what that thing is on my face. I sure hope it’s not a pterodactyl that got attached to my face during the night.

I always sit next to the guy who smells like garlic

It never seems to fail. It doesn’t matter where I am. I can be all the way around the world and the same exact thing happens. I sit down on the bus, and before long, someone comes along that smells like garlic. They aren’t there when I sit down. It’s always after I sit down. How can that be possible when it happens in countries far away from each other? I could go anywhere on planet earth and the person who ends up sitting next to me on the bus smells like garlic. I suppose there are worse things they could smell like. Have you ever sniffed a toupee sold at Good Will? If you have, then you know something smells worse than garlic.

Zestfully clean

I love how people scrubbing up or washing their hair in the shower always do so with a smile on their face during TV commercials. I don’t remember a single time when I smiled while bathing. Maybe I’m just a boring guy. I’ve also never just shampooed just one half of my head before. Like many of you I try to wash my hair at least once a month. Sure, it feels good to be under the shower and enjoy the warm wet water as it dances on my scalp. It’s never felt so good that I smiled. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. It might be time that I upgraded my shampoo.

I sure hope your cat doesn’t have diarrhea

I can’t help you if it does. Why would you think a fake blogger could help you anyway? I’m not here to give you answers. My job is to help you burn some time in between the nonsense we call every day life. The time when you’re waiting at the barber or salon to see if you do in fact have lice. Those few precious moments when you’re waiting what the pregnancy test says. That’s where this blog comes in handy. It’s for those moments in time when you need something to fill the space.

When I take this blog too serious I gum up. I don’t know if gum up is the right term. Maybe I should say freeze up. I don’t want to do anything that needs to be taken seriously. What’s the point in that? I see people taking stuff seriously every day and they really don’t accomplish much. They’re like drivers going around in circles on a race car track. The only time they know when the race is over is when the checkered flag comes out. Otherwise, those people would still be driving in a circle. Much is the same with people in their day to day lives. Some people never get bored of going around that circle. I’m the type who says forget about the circle and let’s figure out how to tap dance on rays of sunshine. It can’t be any worse than going around in a circle like a dog chasing its tail.

Call a vet

That’s my advice. You could try calling up just anyone. Free advice is better than no advice. Phone books really don’t exist today. They do if you can find someone old. You won’t actually get to use their phone book. They’ll spend too much time complaining about how small the print in the phone book is. Then you’re back to square one. You’ve got a cat with diarrhea and you still don’t know what to do.

Comfort animals

I have family that lives in various parts of the world and that means I need to travel to see them. I recently got back from a trip and couldn’t help but notice all the comfort animals. There sure was quite a few cute fluffy dogs. Just looking at them made me feel happy. I can only imagine how it must feel to fly with a wonderful pet next to you. It has to make the whole experience that much more enjoyable.

I’m not going to lie, I often feel nervous when flying. I sure could use an animal to ease the anxiety. That got me to thinking about what type of animal that I’d like to fly with. I’m not really into dogs much these days. I don’t know why I didn’t see any cats. Maybe someone out there has a cat for a comfort animal.

I want an alligator as a comfort animal

I know what a lot of you are thinking. Alligators are just too cute to take on a plane. I know, but you need to hear me out about this. I think an alligator would make a much better comfort animal than a dog. It certainly would be better than a rooster. Let’s not even think about huge python. Someone would have to get it a fur coat. Airplanes can be cold. Better get them a pair of ear muffs too while you’re at it.

Alligators have heart warming smiles

All an alligator has to do is open its mouth to smile. Who doesn’t love seeing an animal that constantly has a smile on its face? Just the thought of that alone should make a person feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

An alligator can stand on its tail

It can also hop around on it like it’s a pogo stick. Imagine how happy all the kids on the plane would be if they saw something like that. Don’t fact check this. I’m not a real blogger. I can say anything I want. That’s the whole beauty of being a fake blogger. It comes with a freedom that can only be described as rejuvenating. Nothing is more fun than being allowed to make up your own facts.

Alligators are the most compassionate animals

Do you need a friendly ear to listen to what your problems are? You’ll never be told to shut up by an alligator. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on sometimes. Why can’t that shoulder belong to an alligator? Just because alligators aren’t fluffy doesn’t mean they can’t show compassion. Have you ever ran your fingers down an alligator handbag? If you have, then you certain know just how soothing alligator skin can be.

Never give up your arm rest again

Have you ever sat on a plane where the guy next to you felt he owned both arm rests? That’s never going to happen again if you have an alligator as your comfort animal. You may even get an extra bag of snacks from the flight attendants. Everyone acts a little differently when in the presence of an alligator. Let’s just say beers are on the house if you get a little thirsty during your journey.

No one tells funny jokes like an alligator

Everyone laughs when an alligator tells a joke. I wanted to make my teeth like buck teeth while writing that. I’m not sure why I didn’t. Buck teeth kind of like the ones Bugs Bunny has. I understand this has zero to do with alligators telling jokes. Don’t go telling me how to run a blog. I’m not a blogger. That’s what you get for reading a blog that’s not really a blog. It’s like calling McDonald’s food. Sure, you put it in your mouth like food. But, there’s something about that stuff that just feels so fake. The old Styrofoam containers that Big Macs used to come in more closely resemble food than the sandwich itself.

Why not alligators?

Someone had a comfort peacock. I don’t remember how that turned out. I think the guy was turned away at the airport. I’m too lazy to look it up right now. What do you want from me? It’s not like I’m going to win some award for this wonderful piece of literary work. I think there will be at least two people read it. Well, probably just one. I’m sure someone will stumble across this. The second person won’t be a human being. It’ll be an alligator if I ever get one.

Even little horses are allowed on planes. I never once thought of a horse as something that’s comforting. Some people eat horses. I’ve seen horse meat in my day. I haven’t actually gotten up the nerve to eat it. I think a plate of horse meat would probably be more comforting than a little pony. I always feel relaxed when I’m eating on a plane. I don’t know if eating My Little Pony would have the same results. I have a feeling it probably would.

Final thoughts

Do we really need comfort animals? I love the stupidity behind it. Why not take a gerbil on a plane? Have you ever been in the bathroom on a plane? There’s not enough room in there to do your own business. I doubt these animals wear diapers. That means the entire plane is their toilet. Let that sink in for a little while. The price we pay for comfort.

I’ve never flown on a flight that had a comfort animal on board. I’d like to. I want to see how they react while up in the air. What happens if a person’s monkey or rhino needs to use the bathroom? We all know what happens… But, the thought of that happening on a plane with passengers is a little absurd. Just hope the flight is a short one if you end up sitting next to a comfort animal that needs to relieve itself.