Month: August 2018

Home-style restaurant food

I ate at a restaurant last week that advertised “home-style” cooking. It got me to wondering while I looked at the menu. It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down at a restaurant that touted itself as an establishment that serves up home cooking. Typically this isn’t the type of place that I eat at. I’ll get into that later. Just hold on for a second. I’ve got some other things to spit out before then. Remember, today we write for machines and not people. I’m just trying to get some of that sweet Google traffic. That’s what we’re all here for. We’re sucking from the teet of the behemoth that makes dreams come true.

How homemade is the food?

I ordered a taco salad. It didn’t look like anything I’d get at home. It came in a fried tortilla shell. Who has time to deep fry tortilla shells at home? I’m not sure the average person could find the time to create one of these crispy delicious bowls in between changing diapers and yelling at their neighbor to keep the music down. Do you ever notice that neighbors who play loud music always have the worst taste in music? It’s never something that you actually like to hear. It makes me wonder if they do it on purpose. I wouldn’t mind being kept wide awake until four in the morning while listening to the golden pipes of Robert Goulet.

Type two diabetes on a plate

The taco salad that I ordered was huge. It could’ve easily fed two people. My wife makes my plates at meal time. I can’t imagine her piling on the food like that. I’d immediately wonder what’s going on. Why does she want me to eat so much? Do people really eat that much food at home? It’s hard to believe that anyone would eat a taco salad so big that it made them feel sluggish. I have zero doubt whatsoever that I was waddling like a penguin after eating the taco salad. Yes, I did eat the entire thing. I wasn’t going to let it go to waste.

Home style food isn’t really home cooking

The menu had all you can eat fish on it. Who cooks that way at home? When was the last time you sat at a supper table and someone said you can eat as much as you want? Keep on chowing down and they’ll cook up some more. It doesn’t matter if you just ate ten pieces of fish. They’ll fry you up another ten if that’s what you want. No one cooks like that at home. Maybe this misses the point a little when it comes to the whole home style thing. But, it’s not too far off. It could be. I’m not a real blogger. I have no responsibility to report the truth. Sorry.

I don’t go to restaurants to eat food I can get at home

I don’t want to eat home style food at a restaurant. I’m not saying my wife’s cooking is bad. But, the whole point of eating at a restaurant is to eat something different. Why go to a restaurant if they’re serving exactly what you’re eating at home? That doesn’t make a bit of sense to me at all. It’s not home style food. If it was, no one would be eating it. Unless no one cooks any more and wants oversized portions of it served for insanely high prices.

There are no waitresses at home

Want to spend a week on the couch? If that sounds appealing, just talk to your significant other like they’re a waiter or waitress. Need an extra pat of butter? Don’t get up and get it yourself. Just ask them to do it. You may need a few more ice cubes for your drink. It would be a shame for you to break away from your great meal. Nothing can get you in trouble with your spouse like pretending they’re there to serve you hand and foot.

Here are some suggestions to make home style restaurants more homey:

Randomly place a crying baby that needs a diaper change

Make sure the diaper stinks for added surrealism. It shouldn’t be possible to eat without first changing the diaper.

Where’s the hair in the food?

How can it be a home style meal without at least one hair? Come on, it’s the effort that counts. It’s like they’re not even trying. Shed a few hairs in the beef stew before putting it out on the table. It’ll ensure everyone who eats it feels right at home.

Every woman at the table should be served a cold meal

This is one thing every wife and mother can understand. How long has it been since you’ve actually eaten a hot meal? It’s not a real home style meal if the food is hot. The food shouldn’t even be warm. Serving cold food to a woman is the only way to make sure she feels at home.

A drunk uncle needs to be in the corner

No meal is family style without a drunk uncle. The restaurant needs to make sure that he’s stinking drunk. The kind of drunk that immediately gets on everyone’s nerves. He should constantly talk about his ex-wife. The no good woman who drove him to drink. He was perfectly fine until she entered the picture. The guy is mentally weak or too lazy to deal with his own issues. It’s a good thing the bottle is his best friend. It gives him the strength to fight another day and to complain about that woman who ruined his life.

Final thoughts

I don’t know if I should say home-style, home style or homestyle. I looked it up on Google. My eyes are tired. I’m not an editor. I’m just a guy who’s craving Stove Top right now. That stuff is so much better than potatoes. Anyway, I’ve eaten at restaurants all over the world. I can’t say I’ve eaten at many, if any restaurants that really serve home cooked food. I think that kind of defies the purpose of going out to eat in the first place.

That’s all I have to say. I wish there was more. I can’t force any more words to come out of my fingers. This writing for machines is far more difficult than I expected. I know you’re probably a person reading this. But, people don’t write for people any more. It’s all about machines and how they rank blog posts in search engines. I hope the machines enjoyed this. I may try to figure out what machines like to read the most. I’m sure their interests are a little different than that of people. Who knows, they too may be big fans of Robert Goulet. I did mention his name twice. Was that just a coincidence? I’ll never tell.

Crack enthusiasts

I’d like to say that this has nothing to do with crack addicts. This entire blog post talks about crack enthusiasts. There’s a big difference. An enthusiast is a connoisseur of sorts. They’re the type who extends their pinky finger when smoking crack. A crack addict would simply never have that much class. An enthusiast is someone who’ll go the extra mile to experience the crack they love so much. Dedication is the true differential between enthusiasts and addicts. An addict is a fly by night person who may quit some day. Enthusiasts are not quitters and the sores on their lips prove it.

Crack enthusiasts are the ultimate capitalists

I used to be a big fan of the television show Intervention. I was always surprised by how much money these people spend on crack. It’s not like they settle down with a five dollar rock to relax in the evening. I saw one person claim to smoke five hundred dollars worth of crack a day. This is an enormous amount of money. Most people would look at this and be disgusted. Not me. I love capitalism. It made me wonder how did they get that much money each day to spend it on crack. A person who earns $500 a day just for crack should consider themselves a success. Any other person would put their nose in the air if they were earning so much money every day.

I don’t exactly know what these good folks are doing to earn so much money. The way that they dress makes me think they probably don’t have an office job. That makes them even more amazing. I’d say they’re probably self-employed doing something. Some of them ask for money with cardboard signs. I don’t think the average person can make much money doing this. Not unless they have a convincing reason to ask for the money. I notice they never say on the sign that the money will go for crack.

The real environmentalists are crack enthusiasts

We’re taught to care about the planet at a young age. Most of us really don’t care. We toss all kinds of stuff in the trash. Do you have a compost bin? Probably not. Who is the one group of people who constantly worry about recycling? It’s not the college professor with a knee length beard who has been to a thousand Grateful Dead shows. The crack enthusiast is. No one recycles more than someone who is thinking about their next hit of crack. The next time you have a panic attack thinking about the environment, rest assured that a crack enthusiast has you covered. They’re out there picking up the stuff that everyone else throws down on the ground. If it were up to them, landfills wouldn’t be full of valuables that can be sold to get cash.

Crack makes them aware of their surroundings

No one is more familiar with their surroundings than a crack enthusiast. They keep peeping out from behind the curtains to see if anyone is outside. No one else is constantly listening to see if anyone is walking around their door. Did you hear the helicopter above? If not, it’s because you’re not enthusiastic about crack. If you were, then you’d definitely put your ear to the ground and listen.

People who smoke crack have eyes and ears everywhere. They know what’s going on in the neighborhood. Did someone just order a pizza? Could the pizza delivery driver be an undercover cop? Those are questions that you should be asking. Luckily, the crack connoisseur is one step ahead of you. They’re already onto it. Who knows, they may even sift through their neighbor’s trash to see if the pizza box contains a bug.

They’re full of self-confidence

No one does anything better than a crack enthusiast. For some reason, that stuff turns ordinary people into professionals at everything. They’re the best musicians, chefs, and airplane pilots. Simply put, there’s nothing a crack smoker isn’t good at. If you can do something, without a doubt they can do it better. That jacked up look on their face proves it. They strut down the street knowing that no one is better at anything. You can spot a crack enthusiast’s swagger a mile away.

If you want to hire a good foreman, get yourself a crack enthusiast. They’ll bark out commands from the bathroom like no one else can. That’s what they call their office. You see, they can’t smoke that stuff around people. No, someone might be an undercover and call the police. Don’t make any sudden moves around the bathroom or when they come out. Just make sure to follow all of their commands. Even if they do ask you to look out the window a time or two. Just remember that it’s part of their ability to be better at everything than everyone else is. Their heightened sense of awareness gives them canine like qualities to hear things that you can’t.

No one is up for more late night activities than a crack enthusiast

Do you consider yourself a night owl? If so, perhaps you should consider having a crack enthusiast as a friend. They stay up for days upon days. Do you have a hankering for an all night wall washing session while listening to a police scanner? A crack enthusiast is who you need to hook up with. They’ll wash your walls while going through everything you own. No one has more of a keen eye for valuables than a crack enthusiast. Just make sure that you hide your valuables before entertaining your guest.

Most people sleep at a somewhat reasonable time. Neighborhood watch groups know the true value of an enthusiast. They’ll be up all hours of the night making sure no one is being suspicious in the neighborhood. It’s even better if a husband and wife team are enthusiasts. They can cover ground that just one person can’t. Your neighborhood will be safe and sound as long as they’re watching for bad guys or narcs. Either way, you can rest easy knowing they’re keeping an eye out.

Crack smokers make for great dinner guests

I like to consider myself a bit of a foodie and a tightwad. I love invited over crack enthusiasts for supper. I call it dinner when they come over. I even break out the table cloth. Nothing is too good for these fine guests. I invite them over because they never eat. I can feel like a fantastic host every time I offer them something they refuse. I really pour it on thick. I usually have to keep offering from behind the bathroom door. That’s okay, I don’t mind speaking up. They won’t even take a doggy bag home with them. That’s just more for me tomorrow at lunch time.

I really like taking them out to eat also. I always take them to nice restaurants. Places where the waitresses and waiters take bathes before going to work. I offer to buy anything they want on the menu. Want lobster? Don’t worry, it’s on me. The sky is the limit for those who aren’t going to eat a single morsel of food. I feel like a million bucks when I offer to pay for their meals. It reinforces just how great of a person I am.

Final thoughts

Nancy Reagan taught us all to just say no. I’m sure glad not everyone listened. Our society wouldn’t be blessed with these wonderful people. You see, those people she’s talking about are crack addicts. Those are the people who’ll steal your hub caps without thinking twice. A crack enthusiast is different. They think of the long haul. A true enthusiast wants to keep on puffing for as long as possible. This is why they go out of their way to deliver a shot of pure capitalism right into the arm of society. No one is constantly thinking about new and adventurous ways of making money. They capture the capitalist spirit better than anyone else out there. No one is more profit driven than someone who has a crack pipe in between their lips.

I think a national holiday should be devoted to these fine upstanding citizens. We are forever in debt to those who grace our streets with a constant watchful eye. They may be keeping an eye out for plain clothes officers or a shiny beer can laying on the edge of the sidewalk. No matter what, you can rest assured that their dutiful eyes are glued to everything that surrounds them. They are more in tune with their surroundings than a desert mouse worried about snakes.

They are the best neighbors until the crack runs out. When it does, couples become hypersensitive in other ways. They become experts on each others flaws. It’s like a verbal Fifty Shades of Grey collides with a cognitive therapy session. By the time the argument is over you’ll wish the dope man was on his way. At least you’ll know each and every one of their flaws. An absence of crack makes them well aware of the others shortcomings.

I love fat people

Man, I really love fat people. I don’t want anyone to think this is a post that’s anti-fat person. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m pro fat people. I’m going to tell you exactly why that is in this blog post. Fat people are just awesome. I never remember a time when there was this many fat people. When I was a kid, there wasn’t as many fat people. It’s remarkable how we are so fortunate to have these fantastic people in our society.

Fat people can lead you to all the good stuff at the store

I used to make a grocery list before going to the store. I hated sitting down and brainstorming what to buy. I’m the type of person who puts everything off to the last minute. I am the very definition of a procrastinator. I would wait until I was almost ready to go to the store to make a list. I knew that in my hurried state of mind that I’d forget something. You better believe I never forgot potato chips or chocolate. Staples like those never go forgotten.

Things start to get a little more complicated when you’re buying groceries for a family. I now have a little one to think about. There are so many different kinds of baby food to choose from. It’s impossible to know what to buy. Putting zucchini on the list doesn’t work when there are five different brands. This doesn’t mention that each brand seems to have several varieties. I knew I needed a way to simplify this entire process. I have and it’s all thanks to fat people.

I don’t make a grocery list any more. No, I haven’t moved into the digital world and make it on my smartphone. I did that at first. I thought it would be an easier way to make a list. Being lazy means that I’m looking to do as few things as humanly possible. The idea of not having to write anything on a piece of paper seemed enticing. I went the digital route before changing the way I shop for the better.

What do I do instead of making a grocery list?

I just follow a fat person around the store. I wait at the entrance until I see someone who’s really fat. I don’t fool around with anyone who waddles like a penguin. No, those people are what I consider rookies. I wait for someone to come strolling along in a motorized scooter. Those are the people who know where all the good stuff is. I don’t even think of those people as fat. I like to think of them as experienced eaters. Don’t be in a hurry when behind them. You may also want to keep a few tissues in your pocket. They make work up a sweat while getting things off of the shelf. They’ll think you’re a real darling if you wipe off the sweat as it drips down while they’re working hard leading you to the promised land of good eats.

I don’t buy baby food any more. Not since I discovered Jello Temptations. I’d like to personally thank the nice lady wearing what looked like a bed sheet for helping me discover these wonderful things. I don’t have to wonder what age the baby food is appropriate for. Jello is good for all ages. All you need is a spoon and you’re ready to go. The guesswork of mealtime has been taken out by the good folks at Kraft.

Never trust a restaurant review from a skinny person

What’s the first thing I do when I notice a new restaurant? I go online and check out their reviews. I always look at the pictures of the reviewers. If they look like someone Sally Struthers would’ve begged for money to feed… I skip right over them. Skinny people don’t know a thing about good restaurants. I don’t rate a restaurant by the number of stars left by the individual. I rate it by how many chins the person has who’s giving the review. The more chins, the more seriously I take the review.

I have a similar strategy when going to all-you-can-eat buffets. I sit back like a hunter scoping out the territory. I know to pass up on the free dinner rolls. They’re just trying to fill you up cheaply. I learned this tactic from a kind gentleman who was checking his glucose level in between pieces of pie. It was clear that he took Wilford Brimley’s words to heart when it comes to checking your blood sugar. He told me to never fill up on the items that are most widely available. These are all the cheapest things the buffet has to offer. It’s in their best interest to fill you up as cheaply as possible.

I just lean back in my chair and watch. I see where all the fat people are congregating. That’s where I’ll make my move. I’ll wait until something makes them scatter. It tends to be the moment that the fried cat fish tub only has crumbs in it. I’ll wait until a worker comes out with a fresh batch and I make a mad dash to the buffet. I run like Al Bundy towards the goal line during one of his famous four touchdowns in a single game.

One in five fat people are related to Santa Claus

This is a statistic that may come as a surprise. Now you can see why fat people are so jolly. It’s in their DNA. No one is happier than Santa Claus. He too is pleasingly plump. It comes from all of those free cookies and glasses of milk. I don’t leave cookies and milk out during the holidays. I’m sure by the time Santa goes from house to house that his sugar levels are probably out of this world. Instead, I just put a Lantus SoloSTAR insulin pen near my wish list. I still haven’t gotten the head lice that I asked for, but that doesn’t keep me from being a good boy.

Santa has elves who make the toys. No one ever sees Santa in the work shop. The same thing can be said about fat people. They too have elves. You rarely see them pushing a lawn mower or doing anything physical. This too must be an inherited trait they share with Santa. The only time they do anything remotely like physical exercise is when they wheel their scooter to tell the person who’s mowing their grass something isn’t right.

Fat people have more body space to tattoo

I’ve always been fascinated by tattoos. A fear of needles has kept me from getting any of my own. Not only that, but I don’t know what I’d want tattooed on me. I’ve never seen anything that I like enough to look at it every day. At least when it comes to cartoons that is. A tattoo is kind of like a fancy cartoon on your skin. Some people can even make the cartoon move if they jiggle their fat the right away.

I remember as a kid looking at the faded blue tattoos of family and friends. Each tattoo told an important story. Maybe someone got it after coming back from a war. Someone else may have gotten their tattoo after a night out on the town. A night they can’t remember, but they’re positive the woman who came home with them didn’t look like a jack-o-lantern about ten days past Halloween. No matter what Bill says, no one could possibly be that ugly.

Fat people have more places to tattoo. Skinny people should avoid getting tattoos all together. You can’t tell a story on a small frame. Tattoos today don’t just offer a glimpse into a moment of time. Those glimpses may turn out to be more like nightmares. It may seem like a good idea to tattoo the name of the love of your life on your chest. However, it’s probably best to see if the relationship lasts a week. If it does, then you’re in tattoo territory.

I like to think of skin as real estate. A fat person has the ability to tell an entire story. It’s like a picture book on their body. A whole comic book could be printed on their body. You could read the entire comic book without ever having to turn a single page. A world of possibilities is waiting to be discovered when ink hits flesh.

Final thoughts

I don’t want anyone to think that any of this is meant to be derogatory towards fat people. Believing so would be the furthest thing from the truth. Fat people are absolutely awesome. My weight has fluctuated over the years. No one on planet earth loves to eat as much as I do. How many times have you read about my McDonald’s adventures? I like to think of myself as a professional at dunking fries into ketchup. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d qualify without even as much as breaking a sweat. I have a roll of fat dedicated to pork. It’s not as big as it used to be. It’s surprising how many calories you burn while pushing a baby stroller for half the day.

Food is some good stuff. Every fat person reading this has to agree with me. I like it so much, I eat it at least three times a day. I may even have a snack or two throughout the day. I always enjoyed tweeting while sitting in the comfortable chair while drinking Pepsi and eating Lay’s chips. Sour cream and onion are my favorite. I think I’ve just proven the fact that I’m not against fat people in the slightest.

The future is bright for those who want to gain some extra weight. There’s a never ending supply of processed foods just waiting for chubby fingers to take them off of the shelves. Bags of candy are getting bigger. Now you can buy bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that are almost nine dollars. The people have gotten bigger and so has the packaging. This can’t be any sort of coincidence. The size of packaging has gotten bigger across the board. You’d think that the populations have increased greatly. That the size of families are today what they were back a few hundred years ago. People aren’t having more kids. They’re just eating more.

Fat people, don’t think I hate you. I don’t. I respect your courage and your constant search for culinary treasure.