I plan to post more often

I’ve wanted to post something here for so long. I’m now actually doing it. It’s not as much fun as I thought it was going to be. I thought I’d be grinning from ear to ear while writing this. I have an oddly constipated look on my face right now. Who knew that blogging is less exciting than riding a roller coaster? All of those guys on YouTube make blogging sound like it’s so much fun. I still don’t consider myself a blogger. You actually have to write to do that, and I haven’t written much here lately.

I’d like write a little here every day. I don’t want to write thousands of words. I’m not sure how many words I want to write. I think you need to write more than one word in a blog. I imagine two is too few words. I have to admit that writing long blog posts are boring. I don’t have the attention span to sit here for hours and talk about something that I lose interest in. I think about ten to fifteen minutes is probably the optimal time limit to write a blog post. No one wants to read anything more than that. I always skip over the middle of the blog and read the last few words to see if the person ended up getting lice or not. If they didn’t, then I would’ve wasted too much of my precious time reading about something that I don’t care about.

I’m the type of person who can’t get motivated to do things they don’t like to do. That’s why I always say you should wash your hair and brush your teeth at least once a month. I can’t get up the gumption to do it more than that. Come on man; this ain’t no beauty parlor. There’s no need for all that washing and looking pretty. It’s not like I’m going to go see the queen or anything like that. I bet those people on Survivor wish they had some food in their teeth when they haven’t eaten for a few days. See, it pays not to brush.

I like the idea of being able to come here and say what I want. I don’t like the thought of pressuring myself to do something that isn’t fun. I think I already said that in the paragraph above. I think I might be done writing. This feels like a good place to end the blog post. So, let’s end it here. I hope to post some more regularly. Again, I’m repeating myself. I don’t know what else to talk about. Thanks for reading this and don’t forget to stay charged!

The Design Sucks

I know the design of this site sucks. I’ve been thinking about this for the past few weeks now. I don’t want my site to look like this anymore. I didn’t like the other design, and I paid money for that one. This design was free, and I like it even less. I’m not too sure what to do about the design right now. I don’t have the time to fool around with it. I’m trying to squeeze in enough time to write posts. It’s a hard thing to do when your pet giraffe keeps asking for a turtle neck sweater. I just can’t break the news to him that they don’t make turtle neck sweaters for giraffes. I don’t know why they don’t. I don’t know who “they” are. I guess I’m referring to the people who make turtle neck sweaters. People probably don’t make them these days. I imagine it’s all machines.

I’m not really someone who thinks in terms of design. I’d be happy wearing the same thing every day. I have no sense of style at all. I just know this site looks terrible. I mean awful. I admit it. I don’t know what to do. I also want to change the comment system around. I don’t like the way it is right now. This whole place could be made better with a couple of slices of pizza. The kind of pizza that’s droopy when you hold it. That’s always the best kind of pizza. I just ate lunch, and I could still eat a droopy slice of pizza.

I plan on changing the design. I didn’t like the other design at all. I bought that design thinking it looked modern. It wasn’t modern at all. Neither are the hairstyles of today. I don’t understand kids these days. It’s like they’re too lazy to come up with their own hairstyles. All they do is mock a period that sucked pretty bad. I don’t want to see any 90’s fashions come back to life. I think they’re best left to rot of old age in the past. That’s where they belong. Leave them be with spoiled bottles of Fruitopia and the clueless people who drank it. Snapple was so much better. Only a fool would ever drink Fruitopia.

The design I have here now I got for free. You get what you pay for. I haven’t had the time to look at designs for sale. I don’t even know where to begin. I kind of want a site that shows some pictures. Maybe videos too. I thought about making animated videos. I really don’t have any idea what I want to do at all. There are a million things I want to do, but don’t have time for any of them. Time is the most precious commodity there is. I wish I had more of it. I also wish I had more steak. I just now wanted to sink my teeth into a juicy steak. I really have the urge to eat steak. Man, I want a steak fresh off the grill right now. Maybe just steak and nothing else. I don’t like the typical things offered up at steak houses. I just want the meat and that’s it.

Sometimes I want to be a blogger. A blogger reminds me of a modern day hobo with class and style. Someone who can afford a laptop computer, but not the drink to get free wifi at a coffee shop. So, you settle for a glass of water from McDonald’s and suck up their wifi. I admire the freedom those guys have to write about anything they want. It must feel great to belittle the world around you while washing it all down with a never-ending free glass of ice water.

Bloggers seem to be a miserable bunch — the type of people who you expect to have face herpes that never leaves. Something is under their skin, just what is anyone’s guess. I like the edge that they have. I lack the wittiness or the desire to mimic their awkward anger that I would typically associate with punk rockers. I’ve always been too lazy to be that angry. I admire their dedication to being mad at what seems like nothing at all. Life, man, that’s what they’re mad at. Me, I just want the free time to be able to have the opportunity to be angry at something.

This blog post was supposed to be about blog design. It got off track. I think this is as good of a place as any to end this. Thanks for reading this far. Have yourself a good day.

Camouflage No Longer Works

I was in Walmart a few weeks ago when I realized something quite startling. I saw a man walking around while wearing camouflage. My jaw dropped right to the floor in the pickle aisle. I couldn’t believe what I just saw. The thing I found so startling was, the camouflage didn’t work at all. The guy didn’t blend with his surroundings. I could see him walking around. I didn’t have any problems spotting him from the Great Value dill pickle slices.

I felt like I should approach the guy. I wasn’t sure how to do it. A person who expects a reasonable amount of cover from their camouflage might be startled to discover their cover has been blown. Did he know that we could see him? Was his nonchalant demeanor a result of thinking he was invisible? Those were questions that raced through my mind as I debated approaching him.

I didn’t have the heart to tell the guy that his camouflage wasn’t working. I don’t know why I was able to spot him so quickly. Could humans have evolved to the point where camouflage no longer works? I don’t think it was because I was in the pickle aisle. In all honesty, I think I would’ve been able to spot him in the coffee aisle or even next to the dairy case. I just don’t think that his outfit was effective at all.

I thought I would take a few moments out of my busy day and give anyone who wants to blend into Walmart some tips to do so. The normal camouflage that works when trying to hunt a deer won’t work here. Humans have come a long way, and you’ve got to do more to blend in. The average Walmart customer is pretty sharp, and a duck call isn’t going to lure them away from the frozen food aisle.

Tip number 1: Make yourself look fat and bloated

If you want to blend in at Walmart you’re going to have to look like the typical customer. To achieve this, you’re going to have to make yourself appear to be excessively overweight and bloated. The best way to accomplish this is with a diet high in processed foods and soda pop. It’s going to take some time to let yourself go on this level. It’ll be well worth it when you can stand in the health and beauty department without ever blowing your cover.

Tip number 2: Get plenty of tattoos

You can go for the temporary tattoos. You don’t need to get inked up for this. Though, you do want the worst looking tattoos possible. You’ll get bonus points if you have some tattoos on your legs. Make sure if it’s in the wintertime that you’re wearing shorts to show off your leg tattoos. You may also consider wearing some sort of sleeveless shirt to show off the tattoos on your arm. Don’t worry about the cold weather outside. The blast of warm air that greets you when walking through the door will make you forget all about it.

Tip number 3: Never ever go to the produce aisle

The produce aisle is only for foreigners. You’re going to stick out like a sore thumb anywhere near it. The only time you can safely go in the produce aisle is during summertime when they have watermelons. Otherwise, it’s best to pretend like the produce aisle doesn’t exist.

Do you have any more tips to help people camouflage themselves among Walmart shoppers? If so, use the comment section below.

I don’t have a uterus

I was sitting in a waiting room in an office building a few days ago when I realized something. I don’t have a uterus. Everyone around me had a uterus. Not me. I don’t have one. I didn’t know what to make of it. Did I feel jealous? Kind of. I mean, it must be great to have a uterus. I can’t imagine how much fun it must be. Sometimes being a man sucks. Big time.

Do I want a uterus? I don’t know the answer to that question. I may be interested in renting a uterus. I’m a very messy person. I’m sure that my uterus would reflect my personality. It would be a total mess. It wouldn’t be too surprising if someone didn’t find McDonald’s action figures from the 90’s up in there. Hoarding would have a whole new definition if I had a uterus. I can’t even begin to think of the stuff I’d save. Who knows, I might even put a few bags of Tootsie Rolls in it to eat later. Tootsie Rolls are one of those things that you never want to run out of. I wouldn’t have that worry if I had a uterus.

Would I take a uterus if it was offered to me? Maybe. It might make a lovely hat. I don’t know what a uterus looks like. I’m a man. I’m not supposed to know these things. I just know I don’t have a uterus. The word uterus is kind of beautiful. Nothing on a man’s body is as wonderful sounding as uterus. It sounds like an exotic far away land or maybe even a different planet. Have you been to uterus? No, I haven’t. But, I’ve heard wonderful things about it. That was my attempt at imaginary dialogue. I’m too tired to make it look all grammatically perfect. It’s been a long day and it’s too late to drink coffee.

A kangaroo has a pouch. A woman has a uterus. A man has a fake mustache. I wouldn’t mind knowing what it’s like to be inside a kangaroo’s pouch. Do you remember Hoppy from The Flintsones? I think Barney was inside Hoppy’s pouch before. I could be wrong about that. I was just thinking about The Great Gazoo a few days ago. It sure would be great to have a friend like him. I just shook my head like someone with cerebral palsy after writing that. I’m not sure why I did that.

To wrap all of this up… I don’t have a uterus. I’m not sure that I want one. I’m not convinced my life would be any better. You can’t teach a uterus to do tricks or play a piano. It might not be all that much fun to have a uterus.

Do you have a uterus? If so, talk about it in the comment section below. Who knows, maybe you’ll convince me to some day wish I had one too.

How to tell if your cat has diarrhea

As a fake blogger I feel it’s my responsibility to inform the public. There are times when this responsibility gets the best of me. When it does, I eat potato chips. Then I snap out of the funk and get straight to work educating the world at large. It’s not small task and I don’t mind it. I usually fit it in between watching episodes of The Banana Splits. If there ever was anything worth binge watching it’s that show. Just the theme song from the show is enough to make you tune into it.

I have an odd pimple like thing on my face

I noticed it when I woke up this morning. It kind of hurts. The skin around it is thicker than a normal pimple. It reminds me of an egg cooked over easy with a thicker than normal white part over the yolk. I’m sure that white part has a name. I’m too lazy to look it up. Just like I’m too lazy to look in the mirror and see what that thing is on my face. I sure hope it’s not a pterodactyl that got attached to my face during the night.

I always sit next to the guy who smells like garlic

It never seems to fail. It doesn’t matter where I am. I can be all the way around the world and the same exact thing happens. I sit down on the bus, and before long, someone comes along that smells like garlic. They aren’t there when I sit down. It’s always after I sit down. How can that be possible when it happens in countries far away from each other? I could go anywhere on planet earth and the person who ends up sitting next to me on the bus smells like garlic. I suppose there are worse things they could smell like. Have you ever sniffed a toupee sold at Good Will? If you have, then you know something smells worse than garlic.

Zestfully clean

I love how people scrubbing up or washing their hair in the shower always do so with a smile on their face during TV commercials. I don’t remember a single time when I smiled while bathing. Maybe I’m just a boring guy. I’ve also never just shampooed just one half of my head before. Like many of you I try to wash my hair at least once a month. Sure, it feels good to be under the shower and enjoy the warm wet water as it dances on my scalp. It’s never felt so good that I smiled. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. It might be time that I upgraded my shampoo.

I sure hope your cat doesn’t have diarrhea

I can’t help you if it does. Why would you think a fake blogger could help you anyway? I’m not here to give you answers. My job is to help you burn some time in between the nonsense we call every day life. The time when you’re waiting at the barber or salon to see if you do in fact have lice. Those few precious moments when you’re waiting what the pregnancy test says. That’s where this blog comes in handy. It’s for those moments in time when you need something to fill the space.

When I take this blog too serious I gum up. I don’t know if gum up is the right term. Maybe I should say freeze up. I don’t want to do anything that needs to be taken seriously. What’s the point in that? I see people taking stuff seriously every day and they really don’t accomplish much. They’re like drivers going around in circles on a race car track. The only time they know when the race is over is when the checkered flag comes out. Otherwise, those people would still be driving in a circle. Much is the same with people in their day to day lives. Some people never get bored of going around that circle. I’m the type who says forget about the circle and let’s figure out how to tap dance on rays of sunshine. It can’t be any worse than going around in a circle like a dog chasing its tail.

Call a vet

That’s my advice. You could try calling up just anyone. Free advice is better than no advice. Phone books really don’t exist today. They do if you can find someone old. You won’t actually get to use their phone book. They’ll spend too much time complaining about how small the print in the phone book is. Then you’re back to square one. You’ve got a cat with diarrhea and you still don’t know what to do.

Comfort animals

I have family that lives in various parts of the world and that means I need to travel to see them. I recently got back from a trip and couldn’t help but notice all the comfort animals. There sure was quite a few cute fluffy dogs. Just looking at them made me feel happy. I can only imagine how it must feel to fly with a wonderful pet next to you. It has to make the whole experience that much more enjoyable.

I’m not going to lie, I often feel nervous when flying. I sure could use an animal to ease the anxiety. That got me to thinking about what type of animal that I’d like to fly with. I’m not really into dogs much these days. I don’t know why I didn’t see any cats. Maybe someone out there has a cat for a comfort animal.

I want an alligator as a comfort animal

I know what a lot of you are thinking. Alligators are just too cute to take on a plane. I know, but you need to hear me out about this. I think an alligator would make a much better comfort animal than a dog. It certainly would be better than a rooster. Let’s not even think about huge python. Someone would have to get it a fur coat. Airplanes can be cold. Better get them a pair of ear muffs too while you’re at it.

Alligators have heart warming smiles

All an alligator has to do is open its mouth to smile. Who doesn’t love seeing an animal that constantly has a smile on its face? Just the thought of that alone should make a person feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

An alligator can stand on its tail

It can also hop around on it like it’s a pogo stick. Imagine how happy all the kids on the plane would be if they saw something like that. Don’t fact check this. I’m not a real blogger. I can say anything I want. That’s the whole beauty of being a fake blogger. It comes with a freedom that can only be described as rejuvenating. Nothing is more fun than being allowed to make up your own facts.

Alligators are the most compassionate animals

Do you need a friendly ear to listen to what your problems are? You’ll never be told to shut up by an alligator. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on sometimes. Why can’t that shoulder belong to an alligator? Just because alligators aren’t fluffy doesn’t mean they can’t show compassion. Have you ever ran your fingers down an alligator handbag? If you have, then you certain know just how soothing alligator skin can be.

Never give up your arm rest again

Have you ever sat on a plane where the guy next to you felt he owned both arm rests? That’s never going to happen again if you have an alligator as your comfort animal. You may even get an extra bag of snacks from the flight attendants. Everyone acts a little differently when in the presence of an alligator. Let’s just say beers are on the house if you get a little thirsty during your journey.

No one tells funny jokes like an alligator

Everyone laughs when an alligator tells a joke. I wanted to make my teeth like buck teeth while writing that. I’m not sure why I didn’t. Buck teeth kind of like the ones Bugs Bunny has. I understand this has zero to do with alligators telling jokes. Don’t go telling me how to run a blog. I’m not a blogger. That’s what you get for reading a blog that’s not really a blog. It’s like calling McDonald’s food. Sure, you put it in your mouth like food. But, there’s something about that stuff that just feels so fake. The old Styrofoam containers that Big Macs used to come in more closely resemble food than the sandwich itself.

Why not alligators?

Someone had a comfort peacock. I don’t remember how that turned out. I think the guy was turned away at the airport. I’m too lazy to look it up right now. What do you want from me? It’s not like I’m going to win some award for this wonderful piece of literary work. I think there will be at least two people read it. Well, probably just one. I’m sure someone will stumble across this. The second person won’t be a human being. It’ll be an alligator if I ever get one.

Even little horses are allowed on planes. I never once thought of a horse as something that’s comforting. Some people eat horses. I’ve seen horse meat in my day. I haven’t actually gotten up the nerve to eat it. I think a plate of horse meat would probably be more comforting than a little pony. I always feel relaxed when I’m eating on a plane. I don’t know if eating My Little Pony would have the same results. I have a feeling it probably would.

Final thoughts

Do we really need comfort animals? I love the stupidity behind it. Why not take a gerbil on a plane? Have you ever been in the bathroom on a plane? There’s not enough room in there to do your own business. I doubt these animals wear diapers. That means the entire plane is their toilet. Let that sink in for a little while. The price we pay for comfort.

I’ve never flown on a flight that had a comfort animal on board. I’d like to. I want to see how they react while up in the air. What happens if a person’s monkey or rhino needs to use the bathroom? We all know what happens… But, the thought of that happening on a plane with passengers is a little absurd. Just hope the flight is a short one if you end up sitting next to a comfort animal that needs to relieve itself.

Home-style restaurant food

I ate at a restaurant last week that advertised “home-style” cooking. It got me to wondering while I looked at the menu. It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down at a restaurant that touted itself as an establishment that serves up home cooking. Typically this isn’t the type of place that I eat at. I’ll get into that later. Just hold on for a second. I’ve got some other things to spit out before then. Remember, today we write for machines and not people. I’m just trying to get some of that sweet Google traffic. That’s what we’re all here for. We’re sucking from the teet of the behemoth that makes dreams come true.

How homemade is the food?

I ordered a taco salad. It didn’t look like anything I’d get at home. It came in a fried tortilla shell. Who has time to deep fry tortilla shells at home? I’m not sure the average person could find the time to create one of these crispy delicious bowls in between changing diapers and yelling at their neighbor to keep the music down. Do you ever notice that neighbors who play loud music always have the worst taste in music? It’s never something that you actually like to hear. It makes me wonder if they do it on purpose. I wouldn’t mind being kept wide awake until four in the morning while listening to the golden pipes of Robert Goulet.

Type two diabetes on a plate

The taco salad that I ordered was huge. It could’ve easily fed two people. My wife makes my plates at meal time. I can’t imagine her piling on the food like that. I’d immediately wonder what’s going on. Why does she want me to eat so much? Do people really eat that much food at home? It’s hard to believe that anyone would eat a taco salad so big that it made them feel sluggish. I have zero doubt whatsoever that I was waddling like a penguin after eating the taco salad. Yes, I did eat the entire thing. I wasn’t going to let it go to waste.

Home style food isn’t really home cooking

The menu had all you can eat fish on it. Who cooks that way at home? When was the last time you sat at a supper table and someone said you can eat as much as you want? Keep on chowing down and they’ll cook up some more. It doesn’t matter if you just ate ten pieces of fish. They’ll fry you up another ten if that’s what you want. No one cooks like that at home. Maybe this misses the point a little when it comes to the whole home style thing. But, it’s not too far off. It could be. I’m not a real blogger. I have no responsibility to report the truth. Sorry.

I don’t go to restaurants to eat food I can get at home

I don’t want to eat home style food at a restaurant. I’m not saying my wife’s cooking is bad. But, the whole point of eating at a restaurant is to eat something different. Why go to a restaurant if they’re serving exactly what you’re eating at home? That doesn’t make a bit of sense to me at all. It’s not home style food. If it was, no one would be eating it. Unless no one cooks any more and wants oversized portions of it served for insanely high prices.

There are no waitresses at home

Want to spend a week on the couch? If that sounds appealing, just talk to your significant other like they’re a waiter or waitress. Need an extra pat of butter? Don’t get up and get it yourself. Just ask them to do it. You may need a few more ice cubes for your drink. It would be a shame for you to break away from your great meal. Nothing can get you in trouble with your spouse like pretending they’re there to serve you hand and foot.

Here are some suggestions to make home style restaurants more homey:

Randomly place a crying baby that needs a diaper change

Make sure the diaper stinks for added surrealism. It shouldn’t be possible to eat without first changing the diaper.

Where’s the hair in the food?

How can it be a home style meal without at least one hair? Come on, it’s the effort that counts. It’s like they’re not even trying. Shed a few hairs in the beef stew before putting it out on the table. It’ll ensure everyone who eats it feels right at home.

Every woman at the table should be served a cold meal

This is one thing every wife and mother can understand. How long has it been since you’ve actually eaten a hot meal? It’s not a real home style meal if the food is hot. The food shouldn’t even be warm. Serving cold food to a woman is the only way to make sure she feels at home.

A drunk uncle needs to be in the corner

No meal is family style without a drunk uncle. The restaurant needs to make sure that he’s stinking drunk. The kind of drunk that immediately gets on everyone’s nerves. He should constantly talk about his ex-wife. The no good woman who drove him to drink. He was perfectly fine until she entered the picture. The guy is mentally weak or too lazy to deal with his own issues. It’s a good thing the bottle is his best friend. It gives him the strength to fight another day and to complain about that woman who ruined his life.

Final thoughts

I don’t know if I should say home-style, home style or homestyle. I looked it up on Google. My eyes are tired. I’m not an editor. I’m just a guy who’s craving Stove Top right now. That stuff is so much better than potatoes. Anyway, I’ve eaten at restaurants all over the world. I can’t say I’ve eaten at many, if any restaurants that really serve home cooked food. I think that kind of defies the purpose of going out to eat in the first place.

That’s all I have to say. I wish there was more. I can’t force any more words to come out of my fingers. This writing for machines is far more difficult than I expected. I know you’re probably a person reading this. But, people don’t write for people any more. It’s all about machines and how they rank blog posts in search engines. I hope the machines enjoyed this. I may try to figure out what machines like to read the most. I’m sure their interests are a little different than that of people. Who knows, they too may be big fans of Robert Goulet. I did mention his name twice. Was that just a coincidence? I’ll never tell.

Crack enthusiasts

I’d like to say that this has nothing to do with crack addicts. This entire blog post talks about crack enthusiasts. There’s a big difference. An enthusiast is a connoisseur of sorts. They’re the type who extends their pinky finger when smoking crack. A crack addict would simply never have that much class. An enthusiast is someone who’ll go the extra mile to experience the crack they love so much. Dedication is the true differential between enthusiasts and addicts. An addict is a fly by night person who may quit some day. Enthusiasts are not quitters and the sores on their lips prove it.

Crack enthusiasts are the ultimate capitalists

I used to be a big fan of the television show Intervention. I was always surprised by how much money these people spend on crack. It’s not like they settle down with a five dollar rock to relax in the evening. I saw one person claim to smoke five hundred dollars worth of crack a day. This is an enormous amount of money. Most people would look at this and be disgusted. Not me. I love capitalism. It made me wonder how did they get that much money each day to spend it on crack. A person who earns $500 a day just for crack should consider themselves a success. Any other person would put their nose in the air if they were earning so much money every day.

I don’t exactly know what these good folks are doing to earn so much money. The way that they dress makes me think they probably don’t have an office job. That makes them even more amazing. I’d say they’re probably self-employed doing something. Some of them ask for money with cardboard signs. I don’t think the average person can make much money doing this. Not unless they have a convincing reason to ask for the money. I notice they never say on the sign that the money will go for crack.

The real environmentalists are crack enthusiasts

We’re taught to care about the planet at a young age. Most of us really don’t care. We toss all kinds of stuff in the trash. Do you have a compost bin? Probably not. Who is the one group of people who constantly worry about recycling? It’s not the college professor with a knee length beard who has been to a thousand Grateful Dead shows. The crack enthusiast is. No one recycles more than someone who is thinking about their next hit of crack. The next time you have a panic attack thinking about the environment, rest assured that a crack enthusiast has you covered. They’re out there picking up the stuff that everyone else throws down on the ground. If it were up to them, landfills wouldn’t be full of valuables that can be sold to get cash.

Crack makes them aware of their surroundings

No one is more familiar with their surroundings than a crack enthusiast. They keep peeping out from behind the curtains to see if anyone is outside. No one else is constantly listening to see if anyone is walking around their door. Did you hear the helicopter above? If not, it’s because you’re not enthusiastic about crack. If you were, then you’d definitely put your ear to the ground and listen.

People who smoke crack have eyes and ears everywhere. They know what’s going on in the neighborhood. Did someone just order a pizza? Could the pizza delivery driver be an undercover cop? Those are questions that you should be asking. Luckily, the crack connoisseur is one step ahead of you. They’re already onto it. Who knows, they may even sift through their neighbor’s trash to see if the pizza box contains a bug.

They’re full of self-confidence

No one does anything better than a crack enthusiast. For some reason, that stuff turns ordinary people into professionals at everything. They’re the best musicians, chefs, and airplane pilots. Simply put, there’s nothing a crack smoker isn’t good at. If you can do something, without a doubt they can do it better. That jacked up look on their face proves it. They strut down the street knowing that no one is better at anything. You can spot a crack enthusiast’s swagger a mile away.

If you want to hire a good foreman, get yourself a crack enthusiast. They’ll bark out commands from the bathroom like no one else can. That’s what they call their office. You see, they can’t smoke that stuff around people. No, someone might be an undercover and call the police. Don’t make any sudden moves around the bathroom or when they come out. Just make sure to follow all of their commands. Even if they do ask you to look out the window a time or two. Just remember that it’s part of their ability to be better at everything than everyone else is. Their heightened sense of awareness gives them canine like qualities to hear things that you can’t.

No one is up for more late night activities than a crack enthusiast

Do you consider yourself a night owl? If so, perhaps you should consider having a crack enthusiast as a friend. They stay up for days upon days. Do you have a hankering for an all night wall washing session while listening to a police scanner? A crack enthusiast is who you need to hook up with. They’ll wash your walls while going through everything you own. No one has more of a keen eye for valuables than a crack enthusiast. Just make sure that you hide your valuables before entertaining your guest.

Most people sleep at a somewhat reasonable time. Neighborhood watch groups know the true value of an enthusiast. They’ll be up all hours of the night making sure no one is being suspicious in the neighborhood. It’s even better if a husband and wife team are enthusiasts. They can cover ground that just one person can’t. Your neighborhood will be safe and sound as long as they’re watching for bad guys or narcs. Either way, you can rest easy knowing they’re keeping an eye out.

Crack smokers make for great dinner guests

I like to consider myself a bit of a foodie and a tightwad. I love invited over crack enthusiasts for supper. I call it dinner when they come over. I even break out the table cloth. Nothing is too good for these fine guests. I invite them over because they never eat. I can feel like a fantastic host every time I offer them something they refuse. I really pour it on thick. I usually have to keep offering from behind the bathroom door. That’s okay, I don’t mind speaking up. They won’t even take a doggy bag home with them. That’s just more for me tomorrow at lunch time.

I really like taking them out to eat also. I always take them to nice restaurants. Places where the waitresses and waiters take bathes before going to work. I offer to buy anything they want on the menu. Want lobster? Don’t worry, it’s on me. The sky is the limit for those who aren’t going to eat a single morsel of food. I feel like a million bucks when I offer to pay for their meals. It reinforces just how great of a person I am.

Final thoughts

Nancy Reagan taught us all to just say no. I’m sure glad not everyone listened. Our society wouldn’t be blessed with these wonderful people. You see, those people she’s talking about are crack addicts. Those are the people who’ll steal your hub caps without thinking twice. A crack enthusiast is different. They think of the long haul. A true enthusiast wants to keep on puffing for as long as possible. This is why they go out of their way to deliver a shot of pure capitalism right into the arm of society. No one is constantly thinking about new and adventurous ways of making money. They capture the capitalist spirit better than anyone else out there. No one is more profit driven than someone who has a crack pipe in between their lips.

I think a national holiday should be devoted to these fine upstanding citizens. We are forever in debt to those who grace our streets with a constant watchful eye. They may be keeping an eye out for plain clothes officers or a shiny beer can laying on the edge of the sidewalk. No matter what, you can rest assured that their dutiful eyes are glued to everything that surrounds them. They are more in tune with their surroundings than a desert mouse worried about snakes.

They are the best neighbors until the crack runs out. When it does, couples become hypersensitive in other ways. They become experts on each others flaws. It’s like a verbal Fifty Shades of Grey collides with a cognitive therapy session. By the time the argument is over you’ll wish the dope man was on his way. At least you’ll know each and every one of their flaws. An absence of crack makes them well aware of the others shortcomings.

I love fat people

Man, I really love fat people. I don’t want anyone to think this is a post that’s anti-fat person. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m pro fat people. I’m going to tell you exactly why that is in this blog post. Fat people are just awesome. I never remember a time when there was this many fat people. When I was a kid, there wasn’t as many fat people. It’s remarkable how we are so fortunate to have these fantastic people in our society.

Fat people can lead you to all the good stuff at the store

I used to make a grocery list before going to the store. I hated sitting down and brainstorming what to buy. I’m the type of person who puts everything off to the last minute. I am the very definition of a procrastinator. I would wait until I was almost ready to go to the store to make a list. I knew that in my hurried state of mind that I’d forget something. You better believe I never forgot potato chips or chocolate. Staples like those never go forgotten.

Things start to get a little more complicated when you’re buying groceries for a family. I now have a little one to think about. There are so many different kinds of baby food to choose from. It’s impossible to know what to buy. Putting zucchini on the list doesn’t work when there are five different brands. This doesn’t mention that each brand seems to have several varieties. I knew I needed a way to simplify this entire process. I have and it’s all thanks to fat people.

I don’t make a grocery list any more. No, I haven’t moved into the digital world and make it on my smartphone. I did that at first. I thought it would be an easier way to make a list. Being lazy means that I’m looking to do as few things as humanly possible. The idea of not having to write anything on a piece of paper seemed enticing. I went the digital route before changing the way I shop for the better.

What do I do instead of making a grocery list?

I just follow a fat person around the store. I wait at the entrance until I see someone who’s really fat. I don’t fool around with anyone who waddles like a penguin. No, those people are what I consider rookies. I wait for someone to come strolling along in a motorized scooter. Those are the people who know where all the good stuff is. I don’t even think of those people as fat. I like to think of them as experienced eaters. Don’t be in a hurry when behind them. You may also want to keep a few tissues in your pocket. They make work up a sweat while getting things off of the shelf. They’ll think you’re a real darling if you wipe off the sweat as it drips down while they’re working hard leading you to the promised land of good eats.

I don’t buy baby food any more. Not since I discovered Jello Temptations. I’d like to personally thank the nice lady wearing what looked like a bed sheet for helping me discover these wonderful things. I don’t have to wonder what age the baby food is appropriate for. Jello is good for all ages. All you need is a spoon and you’re ready to go. The guesswork of mealtime has been taken out by the good folks at Kraft.

Never trust a restaurant review from a skinny person

What’s the first thing I do when I notice a new restaurant? I go online and check out their reviews. I always look at the pictures of the reviewers. If they look like someone Sally Struthers would’ve begged for money to feed… I skip right over them. Skinny people don’t know a thing about good restaurants. I don’t rate a restaurant by the number of stars left by the individual. I rate it by how many chins the person has who’s giving the review. The more chins, the more seriously I take the review.

I have a similar strategy when going to all-you-can-eat buffets. I sit back like a hunter scoping out the territory. I know to pass up on the free dinner rolls. They’re just trying to fill you up cheaply. I learned this tactic from a kind gentleman who was checking his glucose level in between pieces of pie. It was clear that he took Wilford Brimley’s words to heart when it comes to checking your blood sugar. He told me to never fill up on the items that are most widely available. These are all the cheapest things the buffet has to offer. It’s in their best interest to fill you up as cheaply as possible.

I just lean back in my chair and watch. I see where all the fat people are congregating. That’s where I’ll make my move. I’ll wait until something makes them scatter. It tends to be the moment that the fried cat fish tub only has crumbs in it. I’ll wait until a worker comes out with a fresh batch and I make a mad dash to the buffet. I run like Al Bundy towards the goal line during one of his famous four touchdowns in a single game.

One in five fat people are related to Santa Claus

This is a statistic that may come as a surprise. Now you can see why fat people are so jolly. It’s in their DNA. No one is happier than Santa Claus. He too is pleasingly plump. It comes from all of those free cookies and glasses of milk. I don’t leave cookies and milk out during the holidays. I’m sure by the time Santa goes from house to house that his sugar levels are probably out of this world. Instead, I just put a Lantus SoloSTAR insulin pen near my wish list. I still haven’t gotten the head lice that I asked for, but that doesn’t keep me from being a good boy.

Santa has elves who make the toys. No one ever sees Santa in the work shop. The same thing can be said about fat people. They too have elves. You rarely see them pushing a lawn mower or doing anything physical. This too must be an inherited trait they share with Santa. The only time they do anything remotely like physical exercise is when they wheel their scooter to tell the person who’s mowing their grass something isn’t right.

Fat people have more body space to tattoo

I’ve always been fascinated by tattoos. A fear of needles has kept me from getting any of my own. Not only that, but I don’t know what I’d want tattooed on me. I’ve never seen anything that I like enough to look at it every day. At least when it comes to cartoons that is. A tattoo is kind of like a fancy cartoon on your skin. Some people can even make the cartoon move if they jiggle their fat the right away.

I remember as a kid looking at the faded blue tattoos of family and friends. Each tattoo told an important story. Maybe someone got it after coming back from a war. Someone else may have gotten their tattoo after a night out on the town. A night they can’t remember, but they’re positive the woman who came home with them didn’t look like a jack-o-lantern about ten days past Halloween. No matter what Bill says, no one could possibly be that ugly.

Fat people have more places to tattoo. Skinny people should avoid getting tattoos all together. You can’t tell a story on a small frame. Tattoos today don’t just offer a glimpse into a moment of time. Those glimpses may turn out to be more like nightmares. It may seem like a good idea to tattoo the name of the love of your life on your chest. However, it’s probably best to see if the relationship lasts a week. If it does, then you’re in tattoo territory.

I like to think of skin as real estate. A fat person has the ability to tell an entire story. It’s like a picture book on their body. A whole comic book could be printed on their body. You could read the entire comic book without ever having to turn a single page. A world of possibilities is waiting to be discovered when ink hits flesh.

Final thoughts

I don’t want anyone to think that any of this is meant to be derogatory towards fat people. Believing so would be the furthest thing from the truth. Fat people are absolutely awesome. My weight has fluctuated over the years. No one on planet earth loves to eat as much as I do. How many times have you read about my McDonald’s adventures? I like to think of myself as a professional at dunking fries into ketchup. If it were an Olympic sport, I’d qualify without even as much as breaking a sweat. I have a roll of fat dedicated to pork. It’s not as big as it used to be. It’s surprising how many calories you burn while pushing a baby stroller for half the day.

Food is some good stuff. Every fat person reading this has to agree with me. I like it so much, I eat it at least three times a day. I may even have a snack or two throughout the day. I always enjoyed tweeting while sitting in the comfortable chair while drinking Pepsi and eating Lay’s chips. Sour cream and onion are my favorite. I think I’ve just proven the fact that I’m not against fat people in the slightest.

The future is bright for those who want to gain some extra weight. There’s a never ending supply of processed foods just waiting for chubby fingers to take them off of the shelves. Bags of candy are getting bigger. Now you can buy bags of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups that are almost nine dollars. The people have gotten bigger and so has the packaging. This can’t be any sort of coincidence. The size of packaging has gotten bigger across the board. You’d think that the populations have increased greatly. That the size of families are today what they were back a few hundred years ago. People aren’t having more kids. They’re just eating more.

Fat people, don’t think I hate you. I don’t. I respect your courage and your constant search for culinary treasure.

The future of cheeseburgers

Everyone knows I’m a big fan of cheeseburgers. There’s nothing I enjoy more than sinking my teeth into a juicy cheeseburger. I’m also a huge fan of futurology. That’s the study of the future. I think that’s what it means. I’m not a real blogger, so I can’t be expected to look stuff up. I just make up facts as I go along. I’ve tried to become less lazy, but it’s difficult to overcome. Laziness is quite enjoyable. I enjoy doing nothing while watching someone work up a sweat. Anyway, that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. See, I’m even too lazy to stay on topic.

What’s the future of cheeseburgers? I can’t imagine the future without cheeseburgers. It would be a pretty dull and boring place without that wonderful pink slime that McDonald’s passes off as meat. Do they still use that stuff? That’s cutting edge meat technology right there. I don’t feel so bad eating it when a man in a lab coat conjured it up. I say a man, because a woman would probably be more sensible than to feed us a science experiment on a bun like that. After all, women tend to remind us to eat our vegetables. Luckily McDonald’s has that covered too with their delicious fries. Anyone alive during the 1980’s is fully aware that ketchup is a vegetable. Dip your fries in it and enjoy all the health benefits that vegetables have to offer.

Let’s talk about the future of cheeseburgers

I believe the future is written in stone. It doesn’t matter if humans create this future or alien beings do. The future of the universe will be the same regardless. I think the universe will eventually be controlled by robots. Those robots may be infused with humanity in some way. Not like how shampoo is infused with botanicals. I’ve actually thought about dedicating an entire site to nothing but talking about the future. I don’t have the time for that now. Maybe some day if this blog takes off I’ll do that.

I’ll try to simply this by making it into sections. For some reason that was very difficult to type. My brain isn’t working today. I’m sitting next to an air conditioner and I think it slows down my brain function. It couldn’t be clogged arteries from eating too many cheeseburgers. No way could that ever be the problem.

The near future of cheeseburgers

Meat will be much different a generation or two from now. They won’t have to kill animals. All meat will be raised in laboratories. Yes, the same scientists who brought us pink slime will be making something else even more delicious. I have no problems whatsoever of eating something created by someone wearing a white lab coat. I’m an American, I’m used to eating garbage. The best part is, American food scientists know how to make it all real tasty. Those who think we no longer export anything haven’t traveled around the world. Anyone who has, knows we’re great at exporting type two diabetes and morbid obesity.

The question of morality when it comes to killing animals won’t exist. Meat will be produced in the same exact lab that your future lungs will be. Don’t worry about chain smoking. Those sticks of pure delight won’t be so deadly in the near future. You’ll be able to get yourself a brand new lung. Maybe even two if you have health insurance. They’ll be made in the same lab as your hamburger patty. Don’t worry, they won’t mix the two up. That’s only a concern for those who plan on sitting down to a fine meal of haggis.

You won’t have to worry about cholesterol either. They’ll make this meat as healthy as possible. Each slab of meat will be genetically built from the ground up. It’ll be the best beef you’ve ever eaten. The ground meat will come from the best cuts. There’s no need to make inferior cuts of meat in a laboratory. Each and every burger will be made of steak. Not just any steak, this will be the best stuff ever. I don’t know if there’s any way I can convey just how great it will take. Wonderful comes to mind. Am I overdoing it? I hoping those people cut me a check once the technology is capable of producing these results. A man can dream…

Fire changed our digestive system

They say fire changed the human digestive system. Cooking is a way of digesting food before it hits your stomach. Just how will the human digestive system change in the future? This isn’t an argument over flame broiled or grilled. That doesn’t feel right. Grilled sounds the same thing as cooking over a flame. I’m talking about McDonald’s VS Burger King here. My wife prefers Burger King’s cheeseburgers while I like McDonald’s the best. We usually settle for Burger King since that’s the closest fast food restaurant. Losing is still winning when you’re eating a cheeseburger in the end.

How will our digestive system change in the future? Why does this even matter? I’m trying to write longer articles. That’s why it matters. Eyeballs need something to read. I’m on the fence about how the digestive system will change in the near future. By that I mean within the next few hundred years. I imagine most people alive during this time will be genetically altered. I have a feeling that they’ll make our digestive system smaller. I have nothing to base this on. It’s just a line of thinking that I’ve had recently.

I think that people in the future will eat something like a pasty version of Ensure. I don’t think people will actually eat food. I’ve debated in my mind if people will eat at all. Maybe the people of the future will simply be fed using an IV. I don’t think this is practical in the end. People will still need to replenish their reserves if the Ensure stuff isn’t available. By then robots should be able to deliver it to us. I don’t have a clue why anyone wouldn’t be able to get their hands on a can of Ensure. I’m tired. Cut me some slack.

What does all of this mean?

I’m sorry if it feels like I’m stringing you along. I just want to stretch out these topics as much as possible. You see, we don’t write for humans these days. We write for Google. They sure do love long articles. The longer, the better. I’d write an article so long it made blood pour out of your eyes if it were possible. This is the dilemma when you’re writing articles for machines and not human beings. The good news is, some day humans will be machines. We’ll talk more about that later.

Humans will be connected to computers in the near future. This will probably happen a few generations down the line. Why is this important when it comes to the future of cheeseburgers? Like I said, people won’t eat food any more. Instead, it’ll be a paste like substance. The computers hooked up to the brains of people will dictate everything. It’ll be able to give you the sense that you’re eating a cheeseburger. You’ll actually be able to taste it. It could even make your nutritional drink taste like a cheeseburger. People will be able to taste anything and everything all day long. It’ll be like an all-you-can-eat buffet in your head.

Eventually cheeseburgers won’t exist at all

There will come a point when man and machine entirely become one. It’s my belief that this is why we can tell that aliens don’t exist. If they did, we would be able to see evidence of their machines. The last stage of human evolution or whatever you want to call it is merging with machines. These machines will go into space and organize it. This is the main reason why we can tell that aliens don’t exist near our part of the universe. If aliens did exist, they’d clean the place up a little. Anyone who has ever traveled knows that intelligent life always organizes everything around it. You know there’s no one around in sight if the wilderness is overrun.

Final thoughts

I think Jerry Springer has a final thoughts segment on his show. I may have to change what I call this. I’m more of a Maury Show fan myself. I’m always wondering who’s the daddy. Anyway, enjoy cheeseburgers while you can. Soon they’ll be super tasty and eventually cheaper. A few generations from now kids will think it was archaic to kill animals and eat them. They’ll have an endless supply of laboratory produced meat. The only people who eat actual meat will be those who are like the Amish. People who refuse to live in the modern day.

A few hundred years from now people won’t eat for enjoyment. Which is what most people today do. Eating as gone a long ways from simply surviving. With computers connected to our brain, we’ll be able to taste anything. It won’t matter what we want to taste. We’ll be able to spend all day long pretending to eat cheeseburgers and it’ll be more satisfying than the real thing.

Beyond that, cheeseburgers or even food won’t exist. The human/machine hybrids won’t need food at all. My belief is that these machines will simply live off of energy from stars. Materials will be used from space to replicate and expand the number of machines. There will become a point when space is absolutely controlled by the robots. Those robots will wish they could relax and enjoy a cheeseburger. It’ll be in their memory bank, but it won’t have any use for them at all.

I don’t think I can stretch this out any further. I was really hoping for a 3,000 word article. Now it feels like approaching 2,000 will be next to impossible. I could end it here. I feel kind of bad ending it here. It makes me feel like I’m cheating the machines reading this. Not the people. I’m like those who sell pink slime. The quality doesn’t matter just as long as the zombies enjoy it. In this case the zombies are the machines. The ones that rank sites in search engines. I’m done. I apologize to everyone who has read this and isn’t a machine. Go have yourself a cheeseburger. You deserve it.